Jane’s Choice

Rev 9

Contents

Craig

Romantic Weekend

Jane Meets Stuart

Jump

Lucy on the Attack

Dinner, Carole?

Jane’s Disaster

Home?

End of Jane’s Choice

Craig

She'd taken much more time than expected and almost everyone was leaning on a random desk waiting for the instruction. And finally, action.

“Well done everybody. As you know today is reshuffle day. This term is critical to all of you leading up to the exams and it is essential that I know where to concentrate my attention to ensure that everyone does as well as is humanly possible. That means that we now sit in test results sequence. You all have your marked papers, so sort yourselves into descending order from the far corner.”

Craig edged his way towards the corner. This was the moment of truth. Had all that work been worth the effort? He was about to find out.

And now, for once, he felt proud of himself. He'd worked hard for this. He'd given up immeasurable model making and TV, he’d skipped the extra rugby training which would have improved his credibility and maybe made him to the second team, and declined a dubious sounding party with his sister, but now it looked like it was all going to be worthwhile.

Susan Baker gave him a grudging 'well done', and Dexter gave him a well done mate thump on the back that nearly dislocated his shoulder. 

Second in the 3^rd term maths test was the objective. First was out of the question, because that would always be Lucinda, but second meant that he would be sitting next to her.

The mood was one of passive acceptance, with almost everyone resigned to demonstrate their failure by how far towards the front left they were sitting. But not Craig. He had a calm, self-satisfied smile as he dropped himself onto his new desk. 

“Welcome to the lonely corner” opened Lucinda dryly. 

Now, Lucinda was not well known because she tended to keep very much to herself. That is excepting when she came out with some totally left field comment or question which most of the class thought was a bit odd. Craig however reckoned it was because she was usually thinking four steps ahead of everyone else. But now this comment took Craig by surprise. Especially because being surprised wasn't in his script, and this was the culmination of several weeks’ concentrated effort.

“Hi” he rebounded “And, em, sorry, I sort of didn't get that”

The lesson was supposed to be starting and he turned in his seat 

“You taking lunch today? Maybe I could join you and you explain?”

She shrugged with a non-enthusiastic ok

They got their trays and found a free table. Craig brought her a beaker of water without asking and started munching his lunch.

“I didn't understand your welcome earlier”

“No. You wouldn't”

This was more dismissive than he had anticipated, but he'd got this far, and she was having lunch with him on day 1, and he wasn't ready to give up by a long chalk. This was only the start. He was still deciding whether just to wait out the pause when she continued.

“You see no one pays any attention to that top corner of the class. Idiot, (short for Miss Elliott, the maths teacher) assumes we know everything before she goes through it - well, me and Susie anyway. All her effort is on those that don't know. And everyone else in class looks towards her, so we get left out all ways round. Not that I'm complaining. It means I can do my English Lit homework”

“That could be a problem for me. I'm not much good at maths”

“You? Not good? Of course you are! 86%. That's 5% more than Susan”

“Yeah. But you guys are just natural geniuses. I had to work real hard for it. Missed out on the second team trial, and loads of other stuff doing revision”

Lucinda continued to be dismissive

“What for?” she said flatly “I mean, why bother? But then, you must've thought it was worth it”

“Hope so”

“So what’s it for?”

“I need Maths so’s I can get my Physics, but actually its all so that I get to sit next to you”

“What!” Lucinda looked incredulous, and they finished the meal in silence. Craig was thinking maybe he shouldn't have said that, and Lucinda was trying to figure if he was for real or if maybe just joking, or maybe even on something Jim Ansen was supplying.

Maths was on three days a week and Lucinda found herself looking forward to the off the wall comments that Craig would come out with. It certainly seemed that this might not be his best subject. And, it was eating into her homework time as she felt obliged to explain most of the lesson to him as it went along. But it also started to become the norm that they'd have lunch together on Wednesdays when maths was just before break. 

And it wasn't long before he started to pick up some comment. 

“You'll get nowhere with that” Ali had said in the geography corridor.

“Not a snowflake” came in from behind him “Look buddy, when you hear she's a chip off t' old block, it means the Ross Ice Shelf”

“Oh, leave it out guys. I need this maths stuff so I can do my Physics”

“Oh right. Ok! So it's just the maths you're after? My eye!”

But Craig was unperturbed, continuing to accept her help in class and relishing his lunch date with her on Wednesdays.

It was 4 weeks into term that he bumped into her way off piste near the music block. It wasn't busy, but she seemed to be in a rush.

“So sorry Craig, can't stop, have to make it to the gate”

“Whoa, Lucy, slow down, you’re about to drop some stuff!”

Her folders were slipping from her arm as Craig caught hold of them

“C’mon I'll give you a hand. Looks like you need an extra one right now”

“Craig. You don't understand. I’ve got to go. Now!”

She looked up at him with increasing frustration bordering on panic, and he looked straight into her eyes, through the forming tears and into the fear.

“So who's the villain?”

She lowered her head 

“Teachers or kids?” he asked more quietly in an attempt to reduce the tension she’d built up

“Kids she whispered”

“At the gate?”

“Yes” she said even more quietly.

Craig gathered up the rest of the books she was holding

“Guess I'll just walk with you”

“But you can't. They'll just follow me”

Craig shook his head

“I'm with you all the way home. Now, let's just get some confidence and we're gonna walk straight through whoever it is”.

Craig was hoping it was the usual crew of troublemakers. He knew he could blag his way with them with only minor damage. Well let's just head straight into it…

Craig stifled his nervousness as they crossed the playground, but it looked like it was big Jim Ansen who was tonight's ring leader. Craig knew he couldn't take him in a straight fight, and he had his mates with him as well. But he also knew big Jim avoided direct conflict unless seriously provoked because it detracted from his main business of supplying purple pills and various white powders.

“Hey!” called Jim when they were in shouting distance “Come over here”

“What's up Jim” replied Craig, already knowing that the call wasn't for him 

“Not you dog ’ead. Hey Lucinda, you’re coming home with me tonight, right?”

“Don't think so Jim. Looks like you missed out today”

Jim jumped off his perch on the school wall 

“Hey” he said now more menacingly “no one asked you”

Craig decided to square it 

“Well maybe they should've”

He moved Lucy on a few steps, but Jim was with them 

“Craig!”

Craig turned round just in time to glimpse a fist coming his way. He dodged his head, but the force caught him directly on the shoulder, spinning him at an angle.

A chant broke out from Jim’s crew - fight, fight fight fight, as Craig ignored the pain and made to dust off his blazer

“Sorry guys, no fight” and then turning directly to Jim “Not that I couldn't. It's just I need this hand for eh playing the guitar”.

Craig turned away and took Lucy's arm leading her away with every step expecting to be floored with an attack from behind, and feverishly trying to plan a recovery.

But there was no follow up, and Lucy increased the pace, without either of them looking back.

They reached the park gate, but walked on passed.

“I'll be all right now. They’re not following me now”

“Maybe, but I'm happy to walk with you just in case. Look, make it for my peace of mind if not for your safety”

“Maybe” he continued “it's a good time to talk trigonometry”

She smiled. Craig new that talking trig would take her mind of pretty much anything.

The next day was maths again. Sitting together made it easy for Craig to make sure that they left class together. 

“I'll walk home with you if you like. Make sure you get past big Jim”

She nodded silently. Then more positively “Let's just hope you don't pick up any more injuries. At least, not on my account”

But not being late, they were in the crowd as they passed the school gate.

“It's shorter through the park” he said as they got to the entrance

“Yes” she nodded again “but less safe”

“Ok, a longer walk home is absolutely fine with me”

Two weeks on, and it seemed big Jim and others had got used to Craig and Lucinda leaving school together and had set out to target someone else. Craig had made it clear he would take Jim on, while hoping that Jim wouldn’t call his bluff. But Jim was reluctant to start something that would have no benefit to him. While Craig wasn't sure that Lucinda would be impressed at his inevitable injuries, Jim reckoned that Lucinda wasn't going to be impressed by him beating three barrels out of her preferred friend. Nor would it benefit his business. And truce prevailed.

Lucinda was away with her family over half term week, and Craig spent the days revising his maths and playing his guitar. He couldn’t afford to lose his second place in class, and he knew Susan would be working to regain her fallen silver medal in the event that a mid-term test was sprung on them with a subsequent reshuffle.

Despite his efforts to cut through the crush getting into classrooms, Craig failed to catch up with her on the first day back, so it fell to the Maths period for him to say hi, and to see if they would pick up where they left off before the break.

“Good holiday?”

“Hmm, I guess. Just me, Della and parents. Museums and art galleries mainly, but Italian food is always good”

“Hmm” agreed Craig “That’s not really my bag either. I’d prefer architecture or bridges or something”

“Really!?”

She didn’t qualify the question and Craig moved on urgently before Idiot got started.

“Can I walk you home after class?”

She nodded with more enthusiasm than he had expected. Restart successful, he noted to himself.

Usually they talked homework and family and gossip as they walked and Jim was leaving them alone. Craig felt that she was getting to like him a bit better. A couple of times he'd tried to put his arm around her, but she'd wriggled a bit and shrugged it off.

“You're looking puzzled this afternoon”, Craig said, “you thinking about that vector problem Idiot set us?”

“Oh disvec! No. No. Mathematicians have been trying to solve that for decades, I've got no chance... You?”

“Me! Well, that's a move in the right direction. Getting air time in Lucy's brain”

She slapped his arm playfully. 

“That's not fair. I think about you quite a lot really. No, I was thinking about what you said just after the class reshuffle at the beginning of term. You know, about sitting next to me. I thought you were taking the mickey. People do, you know. A lot”. 

Her voice became fainter as her thoughts drifted “I guess I get used to it” and then she recovered a little and continued the thread.

 “And then just before half term you said about taking the longer way home. And then there was that bruise you picked up from Jim Ansen. I caught a glimpse of it when you were asking Dex if it needed any attention. I mean, I really appreciate all this, and I feel much happier coming out of school with you. I feel kinda, safe. I've never really felt safe before”

“Like you don't feel safe in the park”

She paused and Craig frowned “sounds ok so far. But it also sounds like you’re building up to a big but”

“Well, yes”

Craig's face fell, visibly. 

“Oh please don't be upset, it's just, I need to tell you something. Its just,…”she paused reconsidering whether to continue “… its just that I don't think I'm like the other girls in the class”

“Well, no. they're not maths geniuses or is it genii?”

She slapped his arm again. Oh well thought Craig, any contact is better than none

“No. Craig, I'm really hoping you understand this, cos it's not going to be easy saying it”

“Well, Lisa always tells me it's better someone telling you straight than you just finding out from your mates. It's like, you know, shows a level of respect”

His voice trailed off in apprehension of what she might say

“Hmm. I agree and I guess you're kinda on the right line, but maybe not exactly”

Her voice trailed off too “Maybe. Maybe I don't need to say anything. Let’s agree that we just forget about it?”

“Forget about what? - you haven't told me what it is you’re not gonna say!”

She gave a little laugh, and they walked on in silence.

Next day she met him as usual outside the music block as if nothing had happened. Craig was itching to continue the conversation but also fearful of the outcome. Maybe things were not going as well as he had thought. And, he remembered, it wouldn't be the first time he had tripped up on a self-delusion.

It wasn't till the following week that Lucinda raised the issue again. They had just passed the park entrance. Craig was waffling about rugby training and maybe trying to get into the second team when she interrupted with a left field non sequitur. 

“Craig, there's something I still need to tell you. Last week I tried before, and I failed. But it's important because I like our walks home together, but.. But. It's like this”

She stopped and turned to face him.

“Craig, I might be the same age as the other girls in the class, but they're all, well, more grown up than me. I mean, like Kat and Maxine. They're like young women, and me I'm just a little girl”.

She clocked Craig's puzzled look and gritted her teeth

“I mean, I still think like a child. Physically, I guess I'm growing up, but emotionally I'm still, oh I don't know, about ten years old”

Craig squinted at her and frowned

“Ok. Yeah. But all kids kind of develop at different rates, like - everyone's different”

“Yes, but what I'm getting at is that you don't want to get too involved with me cos I'm not going to be able to respond in the way you want. It’s not a physical thing. It’s emotional”

Craig was stunned, but started walking again, quite slowly

“Lucy, look I’m ok just walking you home. I mean, sure, I want to get to know you better, and I want you to get to know me. Maybe it'll work out and you know, maybe not. But I don't want you to do anything you don't want to. And that also means not moving too fast”

He paused a while thinking maybe he was taking this too much at face value.

“Look, I'll stop waiting for you after school, if you think I’m pestering you”

“No!” she gasped rather too quickly “No, that’s not what I mean”

“Well, Lucy, I think I do know what you mean. And in that case, well maybe there's something I need to tell you too”

She stopped again and turned to face him. He could see the start of a tear forming in her captivating blue eyes. 

“You know, Lucy, I'm not quite the big man like Jason is or like big Jim thinks he is. I'm just a kid. I mean like most of the blokes, they're not as grown up as they make out. You don’t want to feel bad just because some kids are ahead on some things. Like, you’re way ahead in maths, right?”

They walked on as the risk of a full size flood retreated

“Maybe I'm just old fashioned” she said at length. “A few years back girls my age still played with dolls. Like, they made clothes for them and things like that. You can't do that if you stop playing with ‘em when you’re 5 years old”

“But old fashioned isn't all bad. I was listening to some of dads old 60s records There’s one, it's by a bunch called the Beatles. Anyway it just says ‘I wanna hold your hand cos it makes me feel happy inside’. And I can relate to that. I think you can learn a lot by just listening to the music of the day. It reflects what kids actually thought and did. Maybe everything is just faster and more complicated today. Back then it wasn’t all about ripping each other’s clothes off and jumping into bed. I mean, there's other ones. Like by the Beach Boys. It says like, ‘wouldn't it be nice if we were older and we wouldn’t have to wait so long’ before they could say goodnight and stay together. That’s like an acceptance that some things have to wait for the right time, and to be old enough and  accepting that you need to grow up a bit before you get more involved. Its talking about dreams for the future, not stuff to do right now. He started singing the track for her, but stopped suddenly after ‘stay together, we could be’......, suddenly realising what the next words were.

“Anyway...”

He took hold of her hand without complaint as they approached her gate “I mean, even ten year olds can hold hands, can't they?”

“Old fashioned? You and me both?”

He nodded “See you tomorrow?”

She squeezed his hand gently then dropped it quickly “Yes please. I just wanted you to know”

He turned to go but stopped as she continued “And Craig. I’m so pleased you understand”

He breathed a huge sigh of relieve as he headed back up the avenue with the image of the prettiest smile he’d ever seen still emblazoned on his retinas. Whoa. Survived, but only just. So maybe progress was going to be slow. But there was nothing in his original plan about getting serious. What he really felt was that he just wanted to be with her, and the odds of that had just gone up a notch as well. Maybe, he reflected, he should get on and tell her that’s all he wanted, but then that might rule out any other progress in the future, maybe when just being with her wasn’t enough. Maybe, but not yet.

It was a few days later that they were at the park entrance when Lucy nudged him towards the park path. They deviated across the grass where some juniors were playing football and walked on for a while on the more remote loop path before plonking down in the shade of a large oak tree.

“A bit of a change of plan? You ok?” he asked as if trying to elicit something she ought to be telling him

“Yes, or maybe...maybe not” her voice trailed off as it so often did as she turned towards him

“It's just, well, you seemed to be getting pretty friendly with Maxine at break”

“Oh! What!”

He let out a soft whistle as if maybe he'd been rumbled “Surely you can’t be getting jealous of Maxine?”

“No? Except I think it might be something to do with what I said the other day”

“Oh ho!, hold on there. Don't you go getting the wrong end of the stick! I've known Maxine since junior school. And sometimes we just, you know, stop to catch up when we bump into each other”

“So did you used to go out with her?”

“Noo. No way. Man I was only 11. Maybe I’ll just tell you about it”

They both leaned back against the tree as Craig pulled a chocolate bar from his bag and broke it in two. She smiled and tensed in as if maybe she was pulling in an imaginary comfort blanket all around herself as he continued

“I was in a bike race. Used to do a lot of off road cycling up into the hills, so a few times I entered for cross country just for a bit of fun. Never really expected to win. You know, some guys were training 7 days a week for these events. Took it so seriously even though this was the under 12 class. Anyway so this time I'm about fifth or sixth place. I'm last in a group of four and we're on a steep downhill. The front three are really barrelling it. We're on mud and there's not much grip anywhere but these guys, they're just nuts, like, they’re there to either win or land up in A&E. We come round this blind right hander and the guy at the front starts yelling something. I look up and jab the brake a bit and I see there's someone standing in the middle of the track. They're frantically trying to scrabble themselves out of the way and pull their bike off the track. Well the front guy clips the bike that's on the floor and sets in a hell of a wobble. The others seem to follow that line, and there's mud and grass going everywhere. Somehow they regain balance and vanish into the next dip. I'm trying to avoid the crashed bike and slip onto the grass sliding to a stop and bailing out into the mud as I lose it.

Next thing three more bikes come through losing me places, so I’m definitely out of the running. Like, I'm out the race now. My main chance was if the three I was with crashed out and the way their luck was running, there was no chance. So I walk back up the hill to where the crashed bike is.

Turns out the person on the track is Maxine. She's only out there to watch, but she's come off her bike in the mud and hurt herself jumping out the way of the race, she's landed backwards in a big gorse bush and can't seem to get out, and every move she makes just sticks more thorns into her she’s crying in pain from the prickles and frustration at being stuck. And now her bikes damaged as well.

So I haul the bike to a grassy clearing and figure out a way of getting her out of the bush without turning her into a complete pin cushion. So she's crying, and covered in mud and I go back and collect my own bike. Then I check hers out, but it's clear I won't be able to fix it with just a field kit. The wheels are both a bit buckled, but not so much as you couldn’t ride it and, I mean, like, I'd run without the brakes, but I wouldn't suggest anyone else did. And then she says her ankles broken.

Turns out its just sprained. Anyway the rest of the race has gone through now and the back marshal is here. That's good, cos I can check out with him as a non-finisher and that means they don't spend half the night looking for me in the bushes on the outside of some random bend along the trail. Then I figure the only way to get back is that I sit her on my bike and push it back home with her bike slung over my shoulder. And that's what we did. Not sure what her mum and dad made of it. Think they blamed me for the whole thing so that would've put the kybosh on anything else anyway, but I was never quite sure what. And since then, well, now and then we just have a chat. I think she just uses me as someone to talk to when she’s feeling a bit lost”

“Well, it looked like more than a chat to me”

“Yeah. She's just dumped Jason though I doubt too many people know that yet”

“Dumped? But every girl wants to.., well like, nearly every girl”

“Yeah, until they find out what he asks them to do.. and no, you don’t want to know - really you don’t. Anyway, Maxine tracks me down for a chat”

Lucinda looked increasingly disbelieving

“Actually” Craig continued “what she really wanted was for me to take her to the cinema on Saturday”

Lucy gasped “And that means” she said slowly “that you won't want to walk home with me anymore. Oh well”

Again Craig could see the tears forming. He shuffled over to be closer to her and put his arms round her in a comforting squeeze

“I told her I couldn't”

“But you'd like that”

“Yeah. But” he paused “But I'd like it so much more with you”

“Me?”

“Yeah. I . I ... I want you to come to the cinema with me on Saturday”

“But that would be like a real date”

“Well.. yeah. Yes”

“You'd have much more fun with Maxine”

Craig shook his head “The best fun I have, is just being with you”

She smiled at him 

“That’s silly” she retorted, and then more softly “I'll have to ask my dad”

“Ok. But I'm not going out with Maxine either way”

But strangely Craig didn’t catch up with her the next day. Her sister Cordelia stopped him in a crowded corridor to ask if he'd seen her, but the crush moved her on quickly without conversation.

It was early evening and nearly dinner time when the phone rang in Craig's house. It's for you Lisa shouted upstairs, and then more quietly “Lucy?” as she covered the mouthpiece.

“Wow” gasped Craig, as he took the phone

“Craig, it's Lucy, can... can I come over to your house?” she blurted out without preamble or warning

“Is everything ok? Clearly not, but yes, of course you can come over. When? Right now! Ok see you in 15. Wait, I'll come and meet you, if you're coming down the ave”

“What's all that, who's coming over?” demanded  Suzanne appearing at the kitchen door “I'm about to serve dinner!”

Darren and Lisa appeared as if by magic and Craig suddenly felt on the defensive.

“Lucy?” opened Lisa “Is that the girl from maths that you walk home with every day”

“Oh really?” commented Darren impishly “I didn’t know about that!”

Craig tried to ignore the mischief

“Yeah. That's right. She wasn't in school today, the teachers were asking me where she was. And even her sister didn't know, though she seemed pretty upset over something”

“Is she all right?” asked Suzanne

“I dunno. I guess not, she sounded right upset, and she's never missed a day off school before, like not ever, not even junior school”

“It's still quite early, do you think she will have had dinner”

Craig shrugged “Doubt it”

Suzanne ran an exasperated finger through her hair.

“I suppose I could stretch the chilli to five. Maybe we have some cheese and biscuits after as dessert to make up”

She disappeared back into the kitchen happy that she had a solution.

“I didn't know about this!” questioned Darren sounding uncommonly stern.

“There's nothing to know about. We’re just going the same way home. She’s just a friend”

“Yeas” Darren continue with a smirk “That's what I was getting at”

“It's not like that, dad!”

“No matter, son, we'll meet her in a minute anyway”

“Oh gosh. I said I'd meet her in the avenue”

Craig tore upstairs and grabbed a clean shirt, buttoning it as he fled from the house

Lucy was nearly this end of the avenue when Craig got there

He could see she been crying. And her hair was out of place as he stopped in front of her “Hey Lucy. You ok? What’s up?”

“Is everything ok with you, can I still come over?” she asked hesitantly

He slipped an arm round her shoulder as they started walking. He'd done this before on their walks home but she had always tensed up moving away nervously. Now it was different. She relaxed, she'd moved closer, she managed a thin smile as they continued

“You didn't make it in to school today”

“No” she said quietly “I just needed some time to think”

Craig was desperate to know more, but decided it was the wrong time for the Spanish Inquisition.

Back home, he introduced Lisa and his dad, and then his mum as she appeared.

“Hello pet” she said with a wide smile, and then more seriously “but you look upset, is everything all right?” Lucy shook her head with a twitch.

“We were about to have dinner”

“Oh dear. I’m so sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. I didn't think, I should go back now”

“No no no” soothed Suzanne “I was about to say, I'm hoping you might join us. Of course I’d understand if you don't feel like eating”

“Thank you” she whispered “I'd like that. I missed lunch as well”.

Craig sat Lucy at the table as he helped bring the plates. It seemed a better bet than parking her alone with his dad. Dinner arrived and conversation subsided as they all set about demolishing it.

Lisa broke the silence as the meal progressed.

“This, Lucy, is mums patented Chilli. There, do you see that black charring on the curtain?”

Lucy looked puzzled, not seeing the fictitious charring but not wanting to say so.

“Well,” Lisa continued “last time we had a chilli, dad had just finished his and turned to look out of the window”

She lowered her voice melodramatically “and as he breathed out, the curtain caught alight and we had to throw our water glasses at it to prevent the house burning down”

Lucy giggled, Darren looked bemused.

“And,” Lisa continued “you did you know there are not really two species of dragons?”

Lucy shook her head slowly

“Yes. Most people think that there’s the ordinary dragon and the fire breathing dragon and they’re different species. But the only difference is that the fire breathing type is just an ordinary dragon that has been introduced to mum’s chilli”

“And despite all that” said Suzanne noticing that Lucy had finished hers  “was it all right for you?”

“Yes thank you, it was delicious. It was definitely a little hotter than we would normally have at home, but very good all the same and I'm most grateful”

Darren looks quizzically at her. Was this overt politeness the norm or some sort of act to impress? But my goodness, she was breathtakingly pretty.

“And now, cheese and biscuits?” offered Suzanne hoping someone might accept.

“I need to help serve that” said Lisa quickly rising and hurrying to the kitchen.

She found the glass cake cover and relocated some of the cheese underneath it before taking it to the table.

She placed it in front of Lucy as Darren passed her the biscuit tin. 

“Second only to mum’s chilli, ... Is... Mum’s cheese. Yes, she knows a small shop in town that few can ever get close to. At least, unless they've got breathing apparatus, or maybe a deep sea diving suit. The entire area has been known to be evacuated on delivery day. Officers with loud hailers shouting ‘keep you windows closed, stay indoors…. And the reason for all this. Well it's hiding under the glass. Special edition Gorgonzola, Stilton and Roquefort “

“Lisa!” admonished Suzanne.

“Oh be fair mum, it don't half pen and ink”

Suzanne's mouth fell open with a soundless laugh as she shook her head

“I'm quite partial to a spot of strong cheese” rescued Lucy now visibly perking up a bit.

“Prepare” announced Lisa “for the olfactory assault!”

Lucy giggled and shook her head as she exposed the cheese and offered the plate to Darren. 

“No thanks Lucy, I'll stick to the cheddar today”

But Darren was reflecting on Lucy's language. Who would learn the phrase ‘rather partial to’ in this day and age?

Lisa had picked that up as well. Maybe, she commented later she'd learned English at the medieval college for ancient bards.

Suzanne brought in the coffee

“It's all decaf” she announced pre-empting the question

Lucy had managed to compose herself now

“Thank you so much for letting me come over. I think I'm just about getting a grip again”

Lisa looked over at her with a more serious expression. 

“You looked pretty wound up just before dinner. And Craig says you didn't make school today. If it was one of us four, we'd share the problem round the table and see if anyone was able to help”

“Yeah” said Craig “we all do what we can for each other”

Lucy looked suddenly frightened 

“Oh, thankyou. And thankyou for dinner. It was delicious. But I can’t, Really, I just can’t”

 But Suzanne had moved behind her and slipped an arm round her giving her a huge smile and a cuddle. 

“You don't have to tell us, but if you do we’ll do everything we can to help you”

“No, really. I’ve made a poor enough impression on everyone already, without making it worse!”

“The other thing is” Lisa continued with her more serious expression “that whatever is said round this table stays round this table. It’s nice knowing there’ll be no gossip, and that you can change your mind without someone scoffing at you. I find it quite helpful sometimes to take experience from those more grown up than me”

Lucy smiled

“That's me mum by the way. One day dad'll grow up too. Just no one knows which day it's gonna be”

Lucy relaxed just a little. She had become best friends with Susan because they both had equally frosty relationships with their parents. But here it was a cultural shift to be with a family that laughed together.. And Lisa taking the mick out of her dad all the time – that would be a disaster in her house.

“But I shouldn't really. It's not your problem.”

“Any more coffee babe” said Darren, giving Lucy a break and time think. “But sometimes just explaining a problem to someone else sorts it out on your own mind”

“Are you sure?”

“That’s what we do in our house. And, as you’re here for dinner, you can be an honorary member” invited Darren.

“Ok. Thankyou. There so many different things” she began slowly and quietly 

“I normally think everything through before I do anything, but today I didn't. I was passing the bus stop in the avenue and this bus stopped, so I just got on it. I wasn’t thinking about what I should have been doing, or where I was supposed to be, or whether people would notice I wasn’t there. It went all the way to Eddles Bay. I walked for miles along the cliff top. And by the time I realised what the time was I had to hurry to get the last bus back. I can’t bear to think of what would have happened if I'd missed it. I didn't even have enough money for lunch. I mean, why would I suddenly behave like that?. It.. It's not, you know, not me”

“I get the idea that maybe something bigger may have happened earlier on, so you were distracted and not thinking straight” suggested Darren trying to sound sympathetic.

Lucy nodded and took a deep breath “Yes, I just didn’t realise how much it had affected me. It’s quite scary to think about being out of control like that”

“Well” said Suzanne, kneeling down next to her “If it’s a symptom of something bigger, we should see what we can do about the bigger thing”

Lucy nodded “Just before we were leaving for school this morning, daddy announced…”

She fought back tears as she looked at Darren “…. Just out if the blue. No warning. Just. He and mum are getting divorced”

She buried her head in her hands as Suzanne's cuddle closed around her “and I won’t have a mummy and a daddy anymore”

“Wow said Craig, that’s heavy”

“Hmm” said Lisa. “No chance of that around here, I mean, dad, who else would have him!”

“Not helpful, Lisa!”

Lucy kept her head bowed “Della went ballistic. I've never seen her like that before. Absolutely mad. She was really screaming at them. We never use strong language in our house but Della this morning was on fire. I’ll have to beep out most of what she said”

“That’s ok lucy” said Lisa helpfully “I’ll just add a few beeps here and there to make up for it”

“Lisa!”

“What the hell do think you’re doing? she screamed. I'm in the middle of working for my Exemptions and you decide to turn the world upside down. Well no, you're not going to. You can damn well think again” Lucy paused “Sorry about that”

“I think I missed my cue”

“Lisa!”

 “I’ve never known her on fire like that before”

“Must have been on mum’s chilli” cut in Lisa

“Lisa! Not helpful!”

But Lucy continued “Now, I'm going back into school today, Della said or rather screamed, and you’re going to work. And then this evening we're going to sort out a recovery plan. I need these exemptions at Durham. And I need a mum and I need a dad and it's just…”

“beep”

“…irresponsible for you to go screw it all up”.

She looked over at Lisa with almost a smile

“So yes, I guess maybe I was just distracted, and I’ll be all right now.  But, please, you won't tell anyone will you. I mean I feel really stupid, blurting all this out all of you. I shouldn't really. It's not your problem”

“So has Della come up with any way forward?”

“I don’t think so, not yet. She said this morning she was going to find a weekend break for them. You know, something romantic, just the two of them and they should go away for a couple of days and get themselves sorted out. And then come back and apologise for scaring her out of her skin. Although, they did seem to be rather distant in Italy. Then this evening, she said she’d been really busy but was going to tell them about the plan and then stay home tomorrow until she’d sorted it. We agreed that it would be better if she tackled them on her own without me being a pawn in the middle. She said I wouldn’t be aggressive enough and that would dilute her case”

“Would you like me to help” offered Suzanne slowly then continued as Lucy bent her neck to look up towards her “I work in Frazers the travel agent in the high street. What say you I go in early tomorrow and see if I can find something for you?”

“Would you? Really? I really don’t think Della's had any success. I don't think she’s had much time”

“Right. Settled. I'll go in early, find something I think is suitable and phone Della to discuss it”

Lucy didn't say much as Craig walked her home. But at least, he thought, this was a new improved soft Lucinda as they got to her gate.

“I'm so sorry, I feel so completely foolish now”

“Well don't. That’s the sort of thing that happens in our house. And as Lisa said, it stays round that table. Mum will find something, and Della will agree and your mum and dad will be off to sort themselves out”

“I just don't know where it's all come from, they've never had an argument in my whole life”

“Yes, you said earlier”

“Did I? Oh dear. I don’t remember! Maybe I'm losing my marbles”

“No, just distracted. Good night’s sleep is what you need. And then into school tomorrow. Do you want me to drop by and we walk in together?”

She nodded and turned to go. He pulled her back for a cuddle.

“Lucy, it's just one of these things that crops up. It's not your fault. You're just caught in the crossfire. See you here ten past eight”

He waited at the gate to make sure she got safely inside, then home again. That, he thought, was not what he was expecting. But then again it went to prove that there actually was a soft centred cuddly Lucinda hiding inside that tortoise shell. And he also remembered his dad telling him that in any change there are always winners and losers, and despite everything, if this gave him a softer Lucinda, then maybe he was the winner while everyone else was losing.

Back inside her house her dad met her in the hall “And where have you been?”

“To a friends, like I discussed with Dell”

“We were worried about you”

“Really! I assumed you wouldn’t give a monkeys – after this morning’s episode you clearly don’t care at all”

She pushed past him and headed straight upstairs and into Della’s room

“Hi”

“Run in with dad?”

“Does it matter? How did you get on?”

“I’m struggling a bit. They’ve agreed to go. But now I need to find somewhere. I tried to find time today, but everything just dumped on me”

Della looked close to tears “I don’t need this as well, Lucy. I’m supposed to be working for those exemptions and I don’t need all this as well”

Lucy gazed towards her. Why couldn’t she just throw her arms round her sister and give her a hug, but it just wasn’t the kind of thing they did. They never had.

“I think I might be able to help out there”

“Really?”

“Hmm. I went round to Craig’s…”

“Craig’s? I told mum you were going to Susie’s!”

“No matter. Anyway, Craig’s mum works in Frazers. You must have seen it. It’s the travel agent in the high street”

“Ok, so should I give her a call?”
 “No. She’s going in early tomorrow to find some possibilities, and then she’ll phone you. She’s going to phone around quarter past eight. That way, if she hasn’t found anything, you can give her a steer, and if she has, then there’ll be time to get to school”

Cordelia’s mouth fell open “You absolute star. Oh wow. Actually, I was beginning to lose heart. But this puts us back in the game”

Next morning there seemed to be a new player on their side.

Cordelia picked up the phone and as promised Suzanne had found a number of options

“But” she said “what I didn’t know was what price bracket you needed. However, I understood that you’d been to Italy over half term, so I’ve dropped the least expensive and concentrated on the middle to upper end of the market. I hope that’s ok. I haven’t had that much to go on, but if that’s not all right I’m happy to look again”

“Yes. That’s good. I don’t want to go over the top, but I need to get this right”

Cordelia listened intently as Suzanne described the options she’d found.

The White Point Hotel sounded good, 4 star, almost on the beach front, but with twenty acres of lake, gardens and clay shoot on the inland side, and a Michelin starred restaurant.

“Can I put this on a credit card?”

“Of course, that’s the usual way to pay these days”

“It’s on dad’s account, but it’s my card”

“What is?” Suzanne heard “I’m putting your break on my card”

“But that’s for emergencies only”

“This is an emergency. It’s the rest of my life. You know I’ve only ever used this card once, and that was an emergency as well, so I’m not letting your £600 pounds get in the way”

“What!”                                                               

“Cheap at twice the price” said Cordelia flatly

But the numbers were transferred and Suzanne committed to delivering the paperwork within the hour to Lucy’s house.

“You’re going this afternoon” announced Cordelia. Check in is from three o’clock”

Romantic Weekend

“Well! This is not what I was expecting this weekend”

Jane had decided to break the long silence as they drove west.

“No”

Jane tried again “I still can't believe Della being so, well, vehement”

“No”

The tense silence returned

Eventually Drew broke it. “So what's the plan then?”

“Plan! I've no idea! It's Della set this up. And you helped her. You paid for it”

“What'd Gary say when you signed out for two days?”

“Wasn't best pleased. But I just said there was a family crisis and gave him no choice. I said I was going anyway”

“Hmm. True, you can never stop someone going, you can only stop them coming back”

“Gary won't do that”

“Hmm. I need to join a conference call at 4 this afternoon shouldn't take more than 20 minutes”

Jane shook her head. “That's part of the problem isn't it? There's always something more important than me.”

“That's pretty rich. You're about as self-centred as you can get”

“What's that meant to mean?”

“Just that you're only interested in doing what you want”,

“That's not true. It's me that looks after the girls”

“Yeah, but when did you last do anything for me”

“I cook the dinner every day”

“You do that for you and the girls anyway. I mean go out of your way for me.”

Jane was at a loss.

“Anyway” continued Drew, “it's not a surprise for you. The only surprise is that we're here headed to the seaside. Now that was pretty left field”

The pause lasted for miles 

“But” broke Drew “she's got a point. I don't think you've really thought about what you want”

“Well you haven't considered the implications, like on me and the girls and….”

“And that's just blackmail. Look I told you I'd talked to a lawyer six weeks ago and then you had a month to change your attitude”

“I don't see why it's me that has to change”

“Let’s just add one word to that - 'why is it you that has to change back'. And why you have to change back is because you decided to change in the first place”

“Exactly. You get to be exactly the way you are and I have to change to fit in”

“You’ve changed already. Everyone changes throughout their life, and if you’re married, then you have to accept that your partner will change. But they have to consider the impact of the other half as well. It can't be a one way street”

“You’re on about sex again aren't you? There's more to life than just sex”

“True, there's spontaneity with someone, and companionship and going out and...”

“When did you last take me out?”

“Don't remember, but it was before you started looking such a mess”

“What d’you mean a mess”

“You know what I mean - drab colours, shapeless tops.. And those half-mast skinny trousers that only reach half way down your legs”

“They're very fashionable”

“Whatever. But they're not attractive, they're not pretty, they're not feminine, they're not flirty and they're definitely not sexy. Look Jane. I'm looking to the future. And what I want is to be with someone I am proud of, not someone that doesn’t give a fig, and clearly doesn’t care what I think. I want to go out, have people to dinner, go on holiday. I want to go out to dinner with someone who looks attractive. I want good food, fine champagne, maybe pick up a late night jazz club, and then go home to bed ... With someone who wants to go to bed with me.

And Jane, that hardly describes you. It was, twenty years ago, and it was even two years ago but not anymore because you, not me has decided to change. So it's time you thought about how you want the next twenty years to be, because I've already described how I see me”

“What you want is a sex kitten, like Georgia”

“I don't think so. I can’t even imagine an intellectual dinner conversation with Georgia. But I've never spent much time with her. And there are three good reasons why.

One, Eric, yes boss Eric is doing something there though I'm not sure what, second I'm still married, but that might change soon, and three I'm an accountant”

“What's that got to do with it!”

“Because that makes me look at it from a cost perspective. Its like this. If a guy picks up one of those girls at the roadside I'll cost him 40 to 50 quid I'm led to belief. No catch, no names, no history. If that same guy goes with Georgia it'll cost a good dinner with fine wine, a number of drinks and a hotel room. All in, so Eric suggests, the top end of 250. And then there are the incidentals that crop up every couple of months after that. Georgia is a one woman honey trap whose main business is extortion, but lives under cover as our IT specialist”

Jane hadn’t wanted to know all that and reckoned that Drew was just being unnecessarily base

“Well you seem to know all about it”

“Desktop research it's always a good start. And anyway, Eric needs someone to offload his tale of woe”

Jane broke the next silence

“So it's all about sex”

“No, it's all about having someone to do everything with. Anyway, when you find a new guy, he's going to want a physical relationship. And he's going to want you to look good, and you’re going to want to look good for him, which you have no problem doing, it's just galling that you don't want to do it for me. It makes me feel valueless.... You know, I think that's the main reason I started spending more time at work. I'm good at work. I'm respected. I add value. And then I come home to you and you make me feel knee high to a worm”

“I cook the dinner every night”

“With no emotion, no pretty, no flirty, nothing to indicate you're glad to see me , nothing to encourage me to touch you, no kiss, no cuddle, no hug... Nothing. Climate change may well melt the Arctic, but it's not going to be enough to stop you being frigid! Jane, I've told you this was coming for nine months now. You've done nothing. The only surprise is that we're here as Della demanded. But it's not for nothing, because the future is just not on your agenda. Maybe now, this weekend it will be. It's an avenue we haven't explored, so who knows, there may be an opportunity”

“Stop it, Drew. My heads exploding. I know what I want. I want everything to stay the same”

“But, it can't. Because it's not all up to you and I’m not going to accept the changes you’ve introduced. A few weeks and Della will go off to Durham. And I'm not prepared to spend the next twenty years with an iceberg that doesn’t give two hoots about me, or themselves or their own appearance. And in any case, whichever guy you end up with is going to want a nicely packaged all round emotional and physical relationship.”

The sea was now in sight as the road twisted down from the hills. As Jane turned towards him with tears trickling down both sides of her face.

“I.. I've brought a nice dress for dinner this evening”

“Really! I didn't think you even owned a dress. In fact the last time you wore a dress was, let me think, about nine months ago. You were going out to a company dinner, something to do with a new director that was over from the States. And then you didn't get back till gone 2am and then spent half an hour in the bathroom. And you haven’t worn one since”

Jane was now in full flood

“I couldn't let that happen again” she screamed at him

“Let what happen” he shouted back “Not that it matters what happened that night. But the reason you don't wear anything attractive is that it might, just might encourage a wayward hand to creep up the inside of you thigh, or down the lace of your top and that might just thaw the ice. So you stay as frozen as the Arctic, Antarctic and summit of Everest all put together”

“Yes!” she shrieked “Because you men are all the same”

“Yes!” he yelled back. “We are. We’re all the same species, with the same basic instincts and needs. That’s why we get married in the first place. But it's up to you to decide who you go with. And the rest…”his voice dropped “…will leave you to get on with it”

“You can't just abandon the last twenty years”

“Why not? It would be better than writing off the next twenty. I'm looking forward to what I want and need. You're living in the past. Twenty years on, you'll wonder where they went and what you did because life's stopped. Me? I'm going to make things happen, create memories. I'm going to do it all with someone. Someone who wants to be part of it and part of me, and the last twenty years will stay as a memory even if I don't live it every day. Think on't. The balls in your court. My hand is on the table Abundance Declaré or maybe its Misere Ouverte”

Jane was gasping like she would hyperventilate as they turned into the hotel drive.

Drew checked his watch. “Just time to check in, then I've got a conference call I can't sensibly avoid. Only take half an hour.”

Alone in the room, Jane dried her eyes and looked out of the large bay window, the lawn sloped away from the terrace towards the trees and the cliff. Cliff! She dismissed the thought that it might be high enough to jump off.

She gazed at herself in the full length mirror. My god. Was this really me or is it just a reflection of Amber Simpson. Amber - stick up for yourself, be what you want to be. You don't want to be just the shadow of a man. A shadow. A shadow of Adam. She ran her fingers up her leg trying not to think about which part of Adam that reached the top of that married leg, and entered that married body. And what about her attempt to wash away the whole sorry event in the bathroom at home. Andrew had been asleep, or maybe not. I can explain being late, I can't explain being away all night. But no explanation was needed. Andrew had never asked, and she had never replied. And the aftermath, the guilt, the reasoning. The attempts at justification. The ‘why did you do this Jane’. You can't explain this, you accepted that you couldn't explain it. But action was needed to save yourself from yourself and a recurrence. It wasn't easy, living in fear of yourself. It was draining, it sapped self-confidence. It was destroying her. And not just her. It was Andrew, and Della, and what of her little girl? How would she ever keep naive little Lucinda on the straight and narrow on her own, when she couldn't even keep herself on it.

She made it to the shower. The cold water knocked her back into a semblance of reality, even if it was only her own world. Now wrapped up in a towel she lost herself in a myriad of thoughts. And jumped, startled, as Andrew returned

“Wow, that took longer than expected. If we get ready for dinner we'll have time for a drink in the bar first”

“I found the present” she replied softly “Thank you”

She slipped her dress on as he took a shower. She felt the soft touch of the satin present on her skin and gazed into the mirror trying to figure out who was looking back. She ran her brush through her hair more times than she could count before Andrew reappeared with “Wow, you look awesome!”

Cue Forgiven by Within Temptation From the album Heart of Everything

She raised a thin smile “you win” she whispered “And I lose. Either way. I lose. I lose you and maybe the girls. Or I lose me”

“No Jane. You lose what you've decided to become, but that’s not you. And what you really gain is another twenty years to look forward to, sharing with the same people that made all those memories over the last twenty.

And I wouldn’t bank on spending the next twenty years taking advice and doing Pilates with Amber Simpson. She is that crazy old bat that goes around wearing the bright yellow patterned gypsy style skirt with that fluorescent green top looking like some bizarre inverted daffodil”

“And why not?”

“Well. She’s about a hundred years old already but is also likely to get locked up anyway”

“Locked up?”

“Yeas. For her activities at her children’s class”

The drink before dinner had as much ice as the atmosphere. This weekend would be an attempt, but Drew steeled himself for another failure. 

Jane, you need to figure out what you want your future to look like and if that dream involves someone else you need to tell them about it They may not want it and you’ll be disappointed and it’s back to the drawing board for something more achievable. But if you don’t tell them they’ll go their own way and it’s unlikely to be the way you planned. Disappointed. Back to the drawing board”

But his mind was racing in so many different directions. We all have memories of the past and we all have dreams for the future. But none of these is real. Reality only exists now. History is just the one accepted version of what happened in the past and the future is whatever you make it. 

Drew picked himself up and headed for their table without another word, reflecting on what he’d just said. Maybe he should take heed of his own words? But he’d already done that. So often. But of course, that was then and this is now and the situation was different. Different. Not only because history never repeats itself because the surrounding parameters to the event are always different, but also because of the direction Jane had taken and the new light these memories would put on her perception. He wasn’t about to dive in to the rescue. Although she needed it, she may not know that yet and the mission would be doomed. No, she’d have to get herself back to a stable state, work out what she wanted, and if that was him she’d have to make that known one way or another. But for now, tomorrow would just have to be a continuation of yesterday. 

They talked about food through dinner, but Jane was frequently distant. Drew knew she was now thinking about implications and that in itself was progress.

She seemed to loosen up a bit as the cabaret comedian got into the swing. He seemed to be majoring on relationships and had already got in the joke about the end of Star Wars - may De Force be with you, but one of the biggest laughs was for Andrew. The comedian was working the tables. Statistically, he was saying, 38% of married couples get divorced. You guys on the far right, would you mind telling me if you're divorced? No the guy had said. Shaking his head ok said the comedian, next table. No. she’d said so he'd continued at 38 % the next couple should be divorced? Right? He turned to Andrew, and you? May I ask?

‘Not yet’ he'd said slowly ‘But we're working on it’

They got through a few more drinks, then a few more. The comedian was winding up. Now he concluded turning back to his first table. Can you remember the Magic Roundabout. She nodded. And do you remember Zebidee’s catch phrase? ‘yes’ she exclaimed standing up. ‘Time for bed‘.  

“Best offer I’ve had all day. Thought you'd never ask” he replied “that’s it. Good night Y’all take care!”, and was gone.

Andrew poured the remaining wine.

Jane was very aware that missing her mouth with the glass was a distinct possibility, and missing some of the stairs on the way up to their room was something of a certainty. They tumbled into their room, made a half-hearted attempt at getting undressed, and crashed out. 

Sometime during the early hours, Drew turned the light off and grabbed a drink of water. And eventually the breakfast coffee reinstated a glimmer of life.

They decided without enthusiasm for a walk along the beach. Low tide was in a couple of hours and that meant a possible access around the headland to the next bay. The onshore breeze blew some of the alcohol out of their systems and the headland came up more quickly than anticipated. It revealed the hidden rocky bay with patches of pebbles and they found a large flat rock as a perch to sit on gazing out to sea.

“Next time I sit looking out at the sea” said Drew “I think it's going to be the Adriatic. Like now, it's so much better to share experiences. I think it's rather hollow when you collect memories on your own. It's difficult to share a vision with someone who wasn't there. I guess that's what photographs are for, but I find it never quite works”

“Maybe we could all go” offered Jane. 

He turned to face her and nodded “Maybe, if you start behaving like the wife I married instead of an aging spinster sister, then there’s a possibility. I've given you every opportunity to re-invent your old self with negligible success, except for last night. That took me back to the real us. This weekend is really for you to decide what kind of future you want. Yesterday you said you had to choose what to lose, but any which way, it would be a loss. I see it only as opportunity for the future and for continuity and to rediscover happiness rather than just survival or mere acceptance of the situation”

“Somehow I can't help feeling a bit like, I don't know, a call girl? I dress up like you want me to and give you sex, and you take me on holiday and a give me a nice little house in the suburbs”

“Sounds a bit like the description of any married couple. Except that these things shouldn't be 'given' they should be shared. Shared for mutual benefit and enjoyment.

I don't want someone just to lie on the bed with their legs apart like a poor imitation of a rubber doll. I want them to get involved, participate and enjoy. And I don't need a housekeeper. I need a companion, a confidant, a best friend, even if they also make the dinner. But that's me. And it's not all about me. It's about you. What do you want? How are you going to get it? and who are you going to get it with and from. What it boils down to is that I want a wife, and while you may hold that title you're actually an independent agent that I happen to share a house, a name, and two daughters with”

“But there are things I want too. I need to make my own mind up”

“Ok. But in deciding what you 'want' you have to take into account the consequences of getting it. It's the old ‘beware of what you wish for’. Ok take a simple one.

You want to go out to dinner sometimes?”

“Yes”

“And you want to wear scruffy, unattractive clothes?”

“They're not scruffy”

“Maybe. But they are unattractive. So why would someone take you out if you look unattractive”

“But you know me better than that. Like, it's things that are more than skin deep”

“Yea right, but clothes are not just the cv to get you the invite. They also show an attitude, and they make you feel a certain way. Nice clothes that make you look good make you feel good inside as well. Like the satin underwear. You felt better in that, even if no-one else knew you were wearing it. Like long hair. Why do men prefer girls with long hair? It's because it shows they have the patience to look after something.

If they've got the patience to look after long hair, they're more likely to look after their man. A girl with a number 1 cut clearly doesn't give a monkeys and can't be bothered. And by inference can't be bothered to look after the someone else in their life if they can't even look after themselves”

“But am I not entitled to some independence?”

“Of course you are. The point is that you come to the same decision independently. Doing all this because I say so is pointless. I want you to wear nice clothes. But you should do that because you want to do it, not because I want you to. I want to make love with you. But you have to want to as well or else it would be valueless. You have to do it because you want to. You have to come up with the solutions yourself. And it will only work if what each of us wants to do is what the other one would want us to do, because it involves the other person as well.  You need to take my view into account or we stay at the default situation which right now is you get your independence, and I get mine”

“But you've still got responsibility for the family, the girls! Where do they go?”

“You can't leave all that behind. There are people depending on you. Making some independent decisions doesn't relieve you of the responsibility you started 20 years ago. Lucinda needs her mum. So does Cordelia”

“Lucy needs her dad. She's not growing up very fast”

“She'll catch up”

“Yes. With a Big Bang, if you’re not there to keep a hold on her”

“I wasn't planning on just abandoning them. It's not them that's the issue, its you”

“But there's so much else. The whole family thing that we've worked on for so long”

“Yes. And now its you that’s decided that some things you want are more important”

“Like?”

“Like what you wear, your attitude to me, and us going to bed together”

“Jesus! We're back to sex again!”

“Yes we are. We both used to like going to bed with each other. Then suddenly you decided against it. Look, marriage is supposed to give exclusive rights. You can't claim to be a sole supplier, and then announce you're out of stock. It's you that introduced these changes, not me. If you want to change something in a partnership, the other person has to agree, or at least put up with it.”

“Or”

“Or the partnership breaks down”

Jane remained silent gazing out to the ocean 

“So” Drew concluded “you can either define what you want to do and project where that’s going to take you or you can define where you want to be and work out what you need to do to get there”

The tide had come in quite some as they were talking and suddenly a large wave crashed onto the rocks ahead of them.

‘Look out’ she nearly shouted as the spray from the wave lifted well into the air and landed on them. They gasped for breath as the water receded they both broke into laughter. 

“Just shows. Sometimes, you just don't see things coming”

“No” she said suddenly serious “You don't see things coming”

It triggered the memory of that fateful evening nine months ago. Adam, the visiting director from the US, and too much to drink and a frivolous attitude, and over confident, and suddenly.. Suddenly.. Why did she not see that coming? Tricked? Seduced? Drunk?

“And it can't happen again” she said out loud.

“What can't?” asked Andrew, surprised by the non sequitur 

“Falling prey to unscrupulous predators” she blurted out hardly thinking.

Her whole life was about to end. Marriage, family, the few friends they had left and for what? And maybe she was trying to protect him from the truth, or was it her she was protecting?

“I don't normally count myself as a predator. I think I've given you a shed load of leeway”

“Not you, muppet! Someone else.”

“Anyone I know?”

“No”

“So if it's not me, why do I have to suffer?”

They scrambled off the rock and back up the pebbles nearly missing another soaking.

“Or is it generic. Is it just all blokes, and that includes me”

“Yes. Yes it is, and yes it does”

Jane was shaking now. This really could make or break. But she was getting out of control again. This is like it was with Adam nine months ago. It's not her intention, it may have disastrous consequences, but she's not in control, even of herself.

“Well, it's been going on for over 9 months now, sometimes getting better sometimes worse, so ..”

Drew stopped as though maybe a penny had eventually dropped “So that takes it back to that Adam guy? Right?”

Jane nodded furiously not able to speak.

“And whatever he did to you, you've been reacting to it by making yourself unattractive”

He was piecing it together now for her benefit. This was his original conclusion, but he had been looking and waiting for the right opportunity to open it out.

“…Because if you're unattractive you don't attract any attention and that includes the wrong kind of attention. And that gets you into the wrong kind of trouble”

Jane nodded again.

Cue Motel Blues by Alvin Lee

“So what? You got an infection or something. And you didn't want me to find out by catching it, and by the time that was over it was 6 or 8 months down the line”

Jane joined in  “No. no I didn’t. I just let something happen that shouldn’t and I can’t forgive or forget and I can’t live with me. So ‘me’ has to be someone different. Drew, you can’t imagine what it’s like to hate yourself. It gnaws away at you all the time. There was no way back”

“Yes there was, Jane. And there still is”

“8 months ago, maybe 6 months ago. But now? I’m not so sure. I don’t know if I can do it”

“So instead of asking me for help, you decided to shut me out, along with everyone else. And invent a new you that everyone would hate so that they would penalise you the way you thought you deserved. But I didn’t. I just carried on hoping that my wife would get herself together again. Maybe she’d explain it to me, Maybe she’d just let it quietly drop and slowly go back to normal life”

“So why are you saying all this to me”

“Jees! We’ve been through all the things you don’t give me any more. All the love you don't show anymore. All the attention. All the touching. All the emotions you don’t show any more. And it's painful. So you ask, why? Because I love you Jane. I always will. But there’s no pain as bad as unrequited love”

She moved towards him. It was a long time ago. It should be all over, but the fallout is still out here causing damage, like a nuclear bomb.

The remnants of another wave landed but Jane had reached him now, and kissed him, “I can try, Drew. I can try. But we have to go back through town” she said breaking off

“Why”

“I need a new dress for dinner. This one will never dry in time”

So he knew! Or he’d just guessed and now she’d confirmed it. So could she go back? Was there already too much damage done? To her if not to him and the girls?

Maybe she should just shoot herself at the clay pigeon range this afternoon.

Back Home

Meanwhile, back at home, Craig was up early to be at Lucy's for ten past eight. She met him with a weak smile, but held his hand as they walked in to school. Conversation was light and mainly about the English homework. But he gave her an extra squeeze as they approached the gate, and once again was elated that he’d managed to find the softer, more receptive Lucy that he now knew was in there. 

“I'll do what I can, I'll try to look after you” he offered

“Thanks, I'm kinda relying on you right now”

Craig was floating now. That was probably the most important thing she'd ever said to him, but his thoughts were quickly interrupted

“Hey Craig, d'you spend the night with Lucinda?”

“What? No!”

Craig was taken by surprise by Dexter’s opening comment

“Just thought” said Dexter “Saw you walking her home last night and now you coming in with her like that - and her folks are away”

“How d'you know that?”

“Heard Cordelia talking”

“No. Anyway, what d’you think my mum would have to say about that”

“Dunno. You could've said you were at my place”

“Thanks Dex. But, no. No such luck”

Craig waited for her after school. 

“Good day?”

She nodded “I guess”

They walked in silence as far as the park gate. Usually they went straight on which was longer, but she considered it safer. But this time she nudged him to turn in. She led him away from the open grass spaces to the formal rose garden. It was a peaceful place populated mainly by geriatrics who spent their time asleep on the benches. They usually pretended to read a newspaper or book, and on the whole there was more movement from the roses blowing in the breeze than the almost human population with nearly as much life in the benches.

“What happens if they don't come back?” she asked as they sat down on a free one.

“Not come back?”

“They've never been away without me and Della before”

“Well, no. I mean they wouldn't be, because you would be too young to leave on your own. Now- well, you're nearly 16 and Della, well she's 18 and that's probably old enough to look after yourselves for a day or two”

“Yes, but supposing it's me or maybe Della who's caused them to fall out. I mean it could be something I'm doing, or not doing and they can't agree on how to sort it out. And they might decide that they're better off without us”

“I don't think so. I can't think it's something you've done. One, or other or even both of them would be on you case if it was. Or even if it was Della, they'd be on her case and you'd notice that. Look, they'll be back. And we should like, plan for it.”

“Plan?”

“Yeah. Like do something to say welcome back. Like make sure there no mess in the kitchen”

“Hmm. Marcia will sort out any mess, but we do tend to clear up”

“Marcia?”

“The cleaner”

“Ok. How about baking a cake”

“Mm” she said more enthusiastically. And then, “have you ever baked a cake?”

“No, have you?”

“No”

“But it can't be that hard. We just follow the recipe”

“It could be a disaster.”

“But it could be fun. Say, why don't we bake at my house? Then if we get into trouble, mum can help us out”

“Ok, sounds like a plan, but we should do that Sunday. Mum and dad will be back after lunch. Checkout isn't till 11. It's two hours’ drive, so they'll stop for lunch and get back mid afternoon”

“What about tomorrow? We should do something to take your mind off everything”

“Hey. What about going to see my gran?”

Craig shrugged “yeah, why not. Where does she live?”

“Way down in Sandfields. I haven't seen her for months. I've been there a couple of times by myself. It's about a couple of hours on the bus”

The bus bounced along the country lanes and it was the perfect opportunity to talk about families, from grandparents to cousins, how much they kept in touch and it was clear that Craig's family was a lot closer to each other than hers.

They found the apartment block easily enough. 3F she said pulling a piece of paper from her coat, and reading it just to confirm the address.

There was no reply when they knocked.

“Does she know we're coming?”

“No, thought it would be a nice surprise. I brought a cake with me”

Carefully, they opened the door and followed the sound of the TV to the living room

“Hi Gran - oh my goodness. Are you ok?”

The wizened figure in the armchair seemed to be asleep with their head bowed to her chest.

“Wow”, said Craig “Looks like we could do with your Marcia around here”

“Maybe we could clear up a bit until she wakes up”

“Yeah let's do it. It sure needs doing”

This, thought Craig, was another opportunity to impress.

Lucinda started it the kitchen, washing up, cleaning the cupboards to put things away, and running mouldy food out of the fridge and larder.

Craig worked quietly in the living room. Every so often, the old lady would stir, mutter and go back to sleep. On one occasion she woke sufficiently to take a gulp from the glass next to her. Craig took a big sniff of it, thought he recognised it, but wasn't sure. It was only when he found an empty gin bottle on the floor that it clicked. There was a broken glass on the carpet, and that took some time to clear and the time flew by.

The old lady woke briefly taking Craig by surprise. 

“Who are you” she barked. 

“Hi” he said kindly, “I'm Lucinda’s boyfriend”

“Linda?”

“No, Lucinda”

“Whatever!”

She took a large gulp from the glass, rolled her eyes and passed out again.

He went through to tell Lucy, but she announced she was going to pop down to the shop to get some fresh milk and bread to replace the mouldy stuff, and the moment was lost. By the time she got back, Craig was getting a bit concerned. 

“C’mon” he urged “we're going to have to leg it or we'll miss the bus”

Lucy checked her watch “Oh my. That took a lot longer than I expected”

 She grabbed her coat and peeked round the door 

“She's still asleep, but your right, we have to go”

Is was confusing. He was having difficulty putting this old crow into context with the rest of the family. Lucy had apologised for her not being awake

“I guess that's the risk with surprises”

Craig agreed and the conversation moved on. A bit about his own gran, and then onto tomorrow's cake making and homework, and a little gossiping about Jason and Maxine.

“How'd it go” asked Suzanne as he bundled through the front door.

“Ok”

“Just ok? I thought you were looking forward to this”

“Yeah”. 

Craig turned back towards his mum “Yeah mum, Lucy, well she's great I mean like fantastic. I mean, well you know..”

He paused self-consciously “…But her gran! Mum, that place was a dump. Like totally trashed. We spent the whole time clearing up. And she was asleep the whole time we were there”

“Oh dear”

“Yeah. I guess that's the risk with surprises” he said sounding more despondent than he'd intended.

“Yes, but you got to spent the day with Lucy, that's a bonus” teased Lisa “‘Course, if you'd missed the last bus you'd have to have spent the night there. That would be a bonus too!”

It was Lisa that picked up the phone later that evening.

“Beardman's answering service. Which unworthy resident do you require?”

“Lisa? It's Lucy”

“Oh ok, I'll get Cr...”

“No, no don't. Lisa, I don't know what to do. I've made a huge mistake this afternoon, and I don't... Well, I don't know if Craig will ever forgive me”

“But you spent all afternoon with Craig. How can you possibly have gone that far wrong when you were actually with him? And like, how does he not know?”

“I don't know”

“Ah. But you're still worried about your mum and dad, so I'd put it down to that, if I were you”

Craig had reappeared looking puzzled. Suzanne poked her head out of the kitchen at the mention of mum and dad.

“Is that Lucy” demanded Craig

“Yup”

“Is she all right?”

“Hmmm, no, not really, I think she’s gone a bit bonkers”

“Lisa! Can I talk to her?”

“Only if you promise you'll forgive her” she replied stretching the phone as far away as she could 

Craig was suddenly off guard

“What for?”

“Ah, by there hangs the mystery”

“Lis'! Give me the phone”

“Promise?” she teased still holding the phone as far away as she could

“Give me a break!”

“Is that not the case” Lisa said down the phone “Craig only gets to talk to you if he promises to forgive you”

Lisa held the phone out for all to hear, but no one could because Lucy had such a quiet voice in the first place

“Ok. Ok. Yes. But I have no idea what I’m agreeing to”

Lisa handed over the phone.

“Lucy? Are you all right?”

“One thing about your sister, she has a great knack of making you feel better”

“Yeah, or exasperated, or infuriated, or murderous. But so, what's up babe”

“It's about this afternoon. And I'm so afraid you might never forgive me”

“Woah, that's a bit heavy”

“Listen. Craig. That lady this afternoon”

“Yeah, your gran”

“No not my gran”

“Not your gran?”

“No”

“So that lady we did all the work for wasn't your gran?”

Lucy paused and Craig heard her taking a deep breath

“That's right”

Craig himself paused a moment, then chuckled, then paused again. Then burst into a full sized fall over backwards laugh

“Haha, ha ha ha, sorry, haha ha ha. That's the best thing I've heard today. He- hee-hee”

Craig doubled up laughing and Lisa took the phone from him. 

“Sorry Lucy, Craig seems to have cracked up. I think it's him who's gonna need forgiveness”

Darren had arrived to pick up the wrong end of the stick.

“So, Lucy” Lisa asked “if that lady wasn't your gran, who was it?”

“I've no idea. Is Craig all right?”

“Craig's as all right as he’s ever been, apart from a dose of apoplexy”

“I'm confused” broke in Darren

“Of course you are dad, you've been confused since you realised you’d conceived Craig”

Craig grabbed the phone back

“Sorry Lucy, so sorry. So what we did was bounce across the country lanes for four hours to clean up some random old crows flat”

“Yes”

Another pause and Craig doubled up again

“Yes, dad moved gran to a rest home six weeks ago. And I guess someone else moved into the retirement flat but I didn't know that”

Craig creased up again as the other three looked on in bewilderment.

“But. That's the best news. You've no idea. Broken glass, mouldy food, gone off milk, passed out through downing gin by the half pint, and thinks you're called Linda.

I'm just so relieved she’s not your gran”

“Struth. You guys have both got a screw loose” butted in Lisa

“So, you’re not mad at me”

“No way. It's all good news. That is a serious relief - you've no idea. So are we still on for cake making tomorrow”

“I hope so”

“Mum, are you around tomorrow morning to help us make a cake?”

“I suppose so”

“Yeah, and mums around to give us a hand. See you at 10”

“I'm not sure how I came to be living in such a madhouse” said Darren

“That” Lisa replied “is because you created it. Actually it's your madhouse and the rest of us are largely an afterthought”.

Cake making was hilarious. Perhaps it was a case of too many cooks, but even Suzanne found herself giggling like an eight year old at the errors her two novice assistants were making. Most of them were recoverable, but the morning had gone by the time the two baked sponges were on the cooling rack. 

Decorating it was after lunch, which turned more into a spectator sport as Darren and Lisa watched as Suzanne made a valiant attempt to keep some semblance of order

“Are you icing Lucy, or icing the cake” Lisa had asked

I bags licking it off if he is, thought Darren, but managed not to say it out loud, and eventually the cake was in an upcycled sweet tin making its way back down the avenue to sit in the living room with Cordelia and Lucinda waiting for the car to arrive.

“They will come back?” asked Lucy nervously

“They’ll be back” she replied confidently “but I don’t know how they’ll feel. I mean, dad just announcing something like that. Its like if Craig suddenly announced to the class that he’s not walking you home any more”

Lucy gasped at the thought “Except I haven’t known Craig for twenty years”

“No, not yet”

“We made you a cake” she said by inference including Della as they put their cases down in the hall. “Its to say me and Della both want both of you back”

Jane had said she’d try. But nine months was a long time and it had almost become a way of life for her. The change back would be much harder than she thought Drew would ever imagine. And maybe this archetypical suburban housewife was not what she wanted after all. Drew had already said he wouldn’t just abandon the girls, so they’d be all right. Maybe 20 years was enough of anyone. But she’d said she’d try, except from where she now stood, this was all one sided. No flexibility from Drew. It was all up to her and while a truce prevailed, her resentment deepened.

The more she was pushed into thinking about it the more she felt that the world was passing her by. New Jane had taken over now and going back would be going back to a point where it could all happen again, And she couldn’t let that happen.

Drew however, was taking her at her word. She’d try, and that, he reckoned, was the best he could expect at this stage. And that meant he too could start to get back to his previous existence. But he resolved to make an extra effort and part of that was to meet her for an early evening drink pushing dinner back by an hour. Della and Lucinda would probably catch a snack after they got in from school and Drew had told them that would prevent them dying of famine in the meantime. This was strange. Lucinda reflected. it was almost frivolous from her humourless father. 

But summer was approaching and that meant holiday. Italy had been a bit of an anti-climax, but maybe a Greek Island for a couple of weeks. Maybe as soon as Lucinda broke up from school.

At school the pace crept up as the exams approached. And then the day after each exam the teachers were taking the opportunity to get a head start on next year’s curriculum, or maybe it was just an attempt to make it look interesting. Clearly, they had quite forgotten that everyone would be franticly revising for their next subject and would be quite happy to leave next year’s work till next year, and in any case may not even be taking that subject. 

But Craig was still happy just holding Lucy’s hand and sharing the odd spontaneous cuddle. They hadn’t given much thought to the holidays. Lucy had said she was going to Greece and Craig was also scheduled to be away. But it wasn’t as if they were actually going out together. Or were they? There was no school to walk home from, so that was that and no plans were made to see each other after the end of term. She was looking forward to going on holiday and was looking forward to getting home and starting to pack for the trip the following day and it was only when Craig said goodbye at her gate that her face fell. 

“I’ll, em, see you around, yeah?”

She gave him the weakest of smiles and no farther reply. 

She wasn’t going to commit to anything. After all she was still just a little girl.

In Greece, there was plenty to do in their resort and each of them seemed to find something different to do with the emphasis on water sports. The evenings were spent catching up with each other over dinner and describing the day’s wipe-outs. But they were decidedly short of what might be considered ‘family activities’ apart from eating.

If there was any good coming out of it, the recent events had brought Lucy and Della so much closer together. But that also lost its edge when they remembered that Della would disappear to the other end of the country in a few short weeks. The atmosphere between their parents seemed hardly to have thawed. 

Jane had committed to Drew that she would try, but any differences seemed hardly perceptible to the girls and now, six weeks on, more cracks were becoming evident. 

“Maybe a change in job would be enough” she’d said one evening. Drew was unconvinced. How changing her job would improve her activity in the bedroom was beyond him. But he was also now beginning to believe that she’d lost all rationale. Maybe she was right, move to a new job and that would be a new different focus which might let everything else go back to the way it was - which is how it should be.

Cue Rose on the Grave of Love by Xandria

The holiday had gone passably well, but Jane was still unsettled. Drew wanted to maintain a balance, but Jane was becoming increasingly fractious. Lucinda took to spending time in her room after Jane had got back from work and seemed to be becoming increasingly isolated as the whole situation continued to deteriorate. Drew’s hope now was that it would all hold together until Della went up to Durham University which would give her an alternative focus. And if she got the results of her exemptions as well as her A levels then perhaps she’d focus on her own future. That would leave Lucinda, and Drew was thinking that was a bridge he’d cross when he came to it. It was now patently clear that it was him rather than Jane that would be looking after her. It even crossed his mind that she might be better off without the negative influence of her mother if Jane was going to continue this erratic and self-centred behaviour. And him? Would he be better off without her? Maybe, he concluded. But she’s still the girl I fell in love with even if she’s refusing any help from me now. 

He still maintained some hope of recovery. He would survive if only for his little girl. And that meant he had to start being a better dad, not just a father figure provider.

It was the following week that light relief arrived by post. Della stood in the hallway quivering as she picked up the envelope that had just dropped onto the mat. She considered waiting till her mum and dad got back from work that night, but was interrupted by the phone and an excited voice bubbling over that she’d got better than her predicted grades and was now definitely heading for Durham

“No” she’d said “I haven’t got my letter yet. I’ll phone you when I know, unless its bad news”

Lucinda arrived to raise the excitement and together they decided that opening it and finding out would be the best option

“Of course its good news….”she pre-empted supportively as Della tore into the envelope “you’ve worked so hard for it”

Della goes to Durham

Della lost no time at all in contacting Durham. She’d heard that there were a number of pre course seminars which could boost her exemptions and had every intention of booking as many as possible. She didn’t feel that she was running away, but like Lucinda, she’d felt the negative vibes from her mum. She’d built herself up for this. She was looking forward to it – to leaving home. And she knew she’d be quite scared if she left herself any time to think about it. She was already booked into Halls from the start of term. That, she had had the confidence to set up, but only due to the risk of not having anywhere to live.

Next Tuesday! What! Quite apart from having six weeks to finally prepare herself, she now had 4 days. And maybe as much as ten minutes to persuade her dad to pay for the next four week’s accommodation. 

But Drew simply nodded. He’d been trying to look at the situation from all the different perspectives with a hope that she’d move to Durham before Jane became a terminal case and this of course was helping. This was an opportunity not to be missed and it also indicated that she was indeed taking responsibility for her future career. But it wasn’t nearly enough time for him to get used to the idea of losing his big girl. His wife was deserting him, his big girl moving away and that left……

 Lucy wasn’t happy about it. She’d only just started to get to know her sister and that was due to the increasingly adverse circumstances. Maybe her life had gone only too well up till now or this would have happened sooner.

But it left her at something of a loose end. And Drew’s suggestion that she take a few days with her Auntie Vanessa and cousin Rachel in Norfolk was met with mild enthusiasm. Also, Drew reckoned, with both girls away, there was a fighting chance that he and Jane might get some time together to repair the damage.

Lucy at Cousin Rachel

 Lucy wasn't looking forward to phoning home. She hadn't really wanted to go all the way to the other side of the country and stay with cousin Rachel in the first place but now having got there had conceded to herself that it was probably better than living in the frosty shadow of Jane. Rachel wasn't actually a real cousin, just the daughter of a family friend and the extended use of these specific terms annoyed her. No, she reflected, she wasn't annoyed, she was disappointed. Was she more likely to be persuaded to go and to enjoy herself if the hosts were labelled as auntie and cousin rather than friend and friend's daughter? This was a trick that was played on two year olds who might or even should be more wary of random friends rather than family, which was why trusted friends were introduced as aunties and uncles. But she was 15, not two. And as she had told Craig, she was just a little girl no matter how many birthdays she'd had. She'd thought quite a lot about Craig, and wondered if he'd still want to walk home with her when the new school year started. 

But it was only fair to phone home. One or other of her parents might be concerned for her welfare 

“Hi daddy, it's me. It's good. We've been out in the boat again . Actually we spend most of our time in the boat just drifting up and down the river”

“Good, I'm glad you've found a way to drift up river”

“Hmm. Rachel's showed me how to use the eddies, but yes, we do need to paddle or oar or something as well. How's everything with you? Is mum there? “

There was a pause, and that alerted her 

“Lucy, things here are not exactly perfect, so if you're having a good time there, let's keep it that way and not spoil it with....”

“Ok Dad, I'll try not to worry about it whatever it is. But good luck anyway”

“Thanks, Lucy, situation may be fine again by the time you get back”

“Ok. Bye dad”

But the situation had not improved by the time she got back. 

Jane had waited until both girls were away to break the news to Drew. She’d followed up on her suggestion that a new job might help and had resigned. Being a senior member of staff, she had been expected to leave immediately and equally immediately had landed a job in the Audit department of a commercial bank in Birmingham, And that meant staying away from home during the week. Drew failed to see how this could ever improve the situation and now, quite suddenly, found himself alone in the family home that he'd been building for nearly twenty years.

Lucy had found her way across London and onto the right train, and was feeling rather proud of herself in just doing that. Maybe I've moved on from being 10 . How old do you have to be to do that? 12? 13 maybe? Maybe I’ve moved on a little, but not really very much!

Drew met her at the station with a big smile and sadness in his eyes. He said he was still as busy at work if not busier. He had a new consultant working with him now and she was taking some of the pressure off and he'd be able to get back home a bit earlier 

In return, she told him about the fruitcake that she'd made with 'auntie' Vanessa and that maybe they should invite Rachel over at half term. 

Now back at their house, she noticed her mums car wasn't in the drive. And that meant mum wasn't at home. 

“Where's mum?” she asked trying to disguise the suspicion as innocent conversations as she dumped her case in the hall. But the same pause as before seemed to alert her to more bad news 

“Lucy”

Drew had turned towards her. The broad smile had gone but the sad eyes were still there “Lucy, she's not here. She's.... She’s staying in Birmingham during the week. She'll be back on Saturday 

“What about Della?”

“She's staying in Durham. There's a summer school she’s managed to sign up for which lets her get a head start on the course. She said it could even lead to more exemptions for her”

“Ok. Just you and me then”

Her voice drifted off as she drifted into the living room. It hadn't felt deserted before, but now knowing there was no one else there and not just that, but that there wouldn't be anyone else coming home that evening or even the next day made it feel cold and empty. Ok, so her relationship with her mum had been going south. Not that they argued or disagreed. Just that they spent less time talking to each other and the subjects of conversation had become more shallow. But something had happened to mum. She was an executive, she was intelligent and witty, pretty and sophisticated, except more recently that whole personality had shifted. 

Lucy drifted through to the kitchen where Drew was creating something that smelled rather good 

“Is mum going to be away next week as well”

“As far as I know, yes. This new job of hers is based up there”

Which is why you're doing the cooking. But Lucy was hungry and this tasted good 

“Maybe you can show me how to cook like this?” she complemented as she cleared her plate. 

After dinner she plonked down in the living room flicking through channels on the tv while her dad loaded the dishwasher. This would be different. She'd felt that she'd hardly known Della and now she'd gone. She hadn't really got to know her mum either. Not like she'd got to know Rachel and even auntie Vanessa in just a couple of short weeks. And now she was alone at home with her dad that she hardly knew at all either. 

But travelling was tiring and it would all have to wait till another day.

That weekend, there was no sign of Jane 

Drew sat down on the settee next to Lucy. Not closely next to her, but next to her rather than on a separate chair, even though there were several to choose from. 

“If mum was around...”he opened turning towards her looking serious but not as fierce as she'd come to expect “.... then she would be the backup in case something happened”

“Somethings happened? Like what?”

“Like you get stranded somewhere, or you need picking up from Susan's “

“Hmmm....”

“Quite often I get stuck in meetings where it's impossible to just get up and leave even if a message did manage to get through. So I want to lend you some money”

“Lend? Daddy”

“Yes” he said handing her thirty pounds “I want to you remember that this is my money and I might want it back at any time. That is to encourage you to spend it only on things that I would approve of if you asked me. Like getting a taxi back from Susan's if I can't pick you up. But coffee and crispy doughnuts are excluded. Things like that should come out of your own money. I've also got you one of these..”

She looked at it in some amazement and turned it over just to see the other side 

“I have no idea what situation this would cover. But sometimes it's important to have a means of paying for something particularly if it's unexpected. But this is like that thirty pounds. Anything you buy on this card will show up on my statement for me to pay at the end of the month, so care needs to be taken. However, it's a backstop, a third man that will hopefully rescue you from emergency situations”

“So you see this situation with mum continuing?”

“I don't see what would change it. It's a permanent job she's got so I think this altered state of affairs needs to be addressed in some different ways”

She slipped off to bed quite early trying to decide where the best place was to keep her new valuable credit card. And thirty pounds! Thats a lot of money. Maybe it needs to be in the inside zipped pocket of my school blazer. Except sometimes I leave that on a peg if it's hot, or I'm going to gym or swimming or netball. But the house still felt empty 

Light Relief

The return to school appeared as a ray of light relief in the near distance as Lucinda meandered through the last few days of the summer holidays. She'd done well in her GCSEs, better than she'd expected and now she had to think seriously about which A level subjects to choose. Maths seemed an obvious choice and was expected by her teachers. But where did that lead? Was there a career as a mathematician? She knew that statisticians were in demand but that was largely practical whereas the maths she preferred was largely theoretical. Ok , so she could do that just because she enjoyed it, but what else should she do that would develop into a real job earning her own crust in a few short years? 

The subject rolled round and round in her head. She phoned Susan and talked about it, but although she listened patiently Susan was not giving any definite advice. 

Della of course would be a good source of sensibility, but she was in Durham and rather difficult to get hold of as there was only one phone and that was on the ground floor foyer of her halls of residence 

Mum was away. Mum was always away. She lived in Birmingham during the week and last weekend managed to get home by lunchtime Saturday leaving again after lunch on Sunday. Lucinda was fairly sure that her mum didn't like it in the city and spent some time churning over her known facts to come up with a feasible hypothesis.

Jane Meets Stuart

Whichever way Lucinda looked at it, her mum had abandoned her. A few hours on a Saturday night was hardly enough to bring up a young teenager.

“When’s mum coming home?”
 “Probably not till Saturday afternoon”

She glared at her father. Ok, so he’d said that in as gentle a manner as he could, but it hardly mattered

“So my mother has abandoned me. In that case I’m going to Susie’s on Saturday. I’ll meet her in town and have tea at her house. Then maybe we’ll watch a video”

She spun round and marched off not waiting for approval.

Shopping with Susie was usually just a case of meandering between shops dreaming about clothes they couldn’t afford and events they weren’t invited to that would justify them. But this time Lucinda felt lost, lonely and alone. Susie did her best and some boys getting evicted from the café for fooling around raised a glimmer of a smile, and an attack on this new credit card of daddy’s just to try it out completed the rebellion.

Now without Lucy as well, Drew headed back into his office. 

His boss, Eric, had appointed a Management Consultancy to do some due diligence and feasibility work on a potential takeover he was considering. As a senior specialist, Carole had been given the assignment. This was an opportunity for some 

uninterrupted prime time to review the situation so far. Jane phoned, saying she’d be a little later than expected, and Drew diverted her to the office with the plan then to get dinner in town. Then they’d head over to Susie’s to collect Lucinda, Not, Drew expected, that she’d want to be collected. But it would give her an hour with her mum – if either of them cared to use it.

Drew was walking down to the foyer with Carole. He was expecting to meet Jane there, but while she was waiting for Andrew, Carole’s partner Stuart arrived to meet her. He had immediately recognised Jane as someone he went to school with twenty years ago and Drew was surprised to see Jane in what appeared to be a deep conversation with someone he didn’t recognise. Small world, Drew commented, but said no more about it as he already knew that Carole was in the middle of some relationship crisis with her partner and didn’t want to talk about it, especially to a valuable client. But at least this meant that Carole wouldn’t be on her own and he’d have felt slightly guilty not inviting her to join them.

A distinct chill descended on the car as Lucinda joined them. Few words were exchanged., but then its always difficult talking between the back and the front of the car without a special effort, and if Jane was going to make any special effort she would have got in the back with her and let Drew play chauffeur. Breakfast came and went. Jane talked about the hotel she was still staying in at company expense and a bit about her new job although Lucinda failed to discern any enthusiasm for either of them. Before, she’d been quite bubbly about her work, even if that had tailed off these last few months, but Lucy stopped short of asking her why she moved jobs with what seemed to her like zero motivation. In fact, it only went to reinforce her view that Janes move was primarily to get away from her.

“Well, that’s that for another week” said Lucinda dryly as Jane threw her case in her car and slammed the boot violently. Drew slipped his arm round her shoulders and smiled sadly, saying nothing.

She returned to thinking about her A level subjects and that made her think about school, which let her mind drift off to think about Craig. She'd missed walking home with him. She'd missed his dumb comments in maths. She'd missed him just being beside her making her feel confident and safe. And she missed him right now alone in the hall with only half a family. He wouldn't be taking maths. Pure science was more his bag. But maybe if she did Bio and Chem and maths that would be enough. Craig would probably do physics and chemistry. But maybe he'd want to walk home with her even if they weren't in class together. She just hoped that he hadn’t forgotten all about her altogether! 

First thing Monday morning was a general assembly for the final selection. Tables around the sides of the hall were staffed with representatives from each subject - some teachers, but some senior sixth formers as well to give a balanced view of what was really involved. There were a few irrelevant announcements and then a general milling around signing their individual fate, setting the direction for the rest of their lives. She studied the timetable. Not all combinations were available and it was a matter of choosing one subject from each column with a maximum of three.

She wondered aimlessly around the hall taking note of who was signing up for what and also noticing just how many new kids there were. Not all the schools in the area had a sixth form so these poor souls had to change schools if they wanted to progress their education. Maybe it was good to leave your past behind at various points in your life.

Craig had finished milling around. He was in no real doubt about his subjects with his one reservation that he wouldn't be able to sit next to her in maths. He'd thought about her quite a lot over the break. He'd phoned her the second week but had no reply. Then last week as well and again no reply. But maybe she’d forgotten all about him and if they weren’t in class together, maybe they’d just sail on by like ships in the night.

He caught sight of her looking so very serious, maybe she had been avoiding him. Maybe she'd met someone else. He cast his mind back to the highlights of walking her home, the chocolate bar under that oak tree, the bench in the rose garden, the first time she'd let him cuddle her as she melted in towards him when her parents turned her world upside down. He'd always have these precious memories no matter what and that brought a smile to his face whatever else happened. 

But now she'd seen him watching her and her deep thought gave way to a wide gentle grin as they made their way towards each other through the crowd. He was nervous as he reached her. He wanted to take hold of both her hands as they met but remembered that it was not a foregone conclusion that she'd want to. 

“Are you signed up? Maybe we could get coffee? I guess you’re taking maths…”

“Yes. I’ve decided to keep my options open , so I’m doing English and Chem as well”
“I’m just doing Chem. And Physics of course. Thought I ought to after you’ve spent so long teaching me the maths I need”

She smiled at him and walked unusually close beside him as they headed for the cafe

“Thought you might have met someone else during the holidays” he opened 

She shook her head “Did you?”

“No, but I wasn't looking”

He waited for her at the gate with mixed trepidation and expectation but she broke into a wide unreserved smile as she took hold of his outstretched hand. She glanced up a number of times as they walked together through the park gate and onto a path that only went round in a deserted loop. He was thinking it was a bit like they’d never been away. But no, there was more to it than that. This is what getting back together was like. They hadn’t had an argument so there was no making up but they hadn’t seen each other for a long time and now that he was with her again, he started to feel a bit gooey – a bit like he had at the very start. He let go of her hand and slipped that arm round her waist instead half expecting her to shake free but instead she beamed a surprised and slightly nervous smile in his direction. They’d got as far as the chocolate bar oak tree in this isolated part of the park and turned to face each other. Without a word being exchanged he gazed into her eyes trying to see straight through them into her thoughts, surprised and elated. This could never have happened before. She’d always been too remote. Until now. And she closed her eyes as their heads drifted towards each other until their lips met. Lucinda had never kissed a boy before, but this seemed so natural and magical until they broke apart into a hug as she caught her breath and whispered

“Wow! That was a bit more than I was expecting!”

Umbundi

This first week of term had already gone, but Umbundi had only been there two days and already there was concern. Jim had looked to recruit him to his bunch of bullies, but had suddenly and inexplicably decided against it. It was morning catch-up - that extra 10 minutes to get from one class to the next to make up any missed time due to whatever. Craig was standing near Jim when they heard the shriek. And then a scream that Craig immediately recognised as Lucy. He bolted in the direction of the noise across the playground to find Umbundi with his hand firmly up Clare Radcliffe’s skirt and trying to wrestle her to the ground while he fended off the other girls around with his free arm. Craig grabbed his arm and turned him round. Umbundi eyes were on fire as he took a swing at Craig, and Craig floored him just as Jim and Dick Hudson the biology teacher arrived

“Craig! 1 hour detention. My study after school”

Mr Hudson helped Umbundi to his feet, and told everyone to be on their way.

Craig looked at Lucy and let out a long sigh.  Clare smiled weakly at him as the group dispersed.

Dexter was the next victim. It was rugby that afternoon. The laws of the game had been explained to Umbundi before the start, and it was now well into the second half and there had been plenty of opportunities for him to get the idea. He had the ball and was on a run. Dex charged him head on and dropped him expecting to form a loose ruck. But no, Umbundi lay squirming around on the ground. Gary Hastings the sports master was on the scene as referee

“Unfair” wailed Umbundi still writhing

“That may have been excessive, Dexter. Take half an hour detention this afternoon. Mr Hudson’s study”

Dex turned his head slightly sideways “Whaaaat!. Yes Sir”

The game continued, but no-one else tackled Umbundi. Instead they all just got out of his way and let him run to the try-line. At first those on his side took advantage of this to register a rare win but then they started to avoid passing to him. It wasn’t a proper match, and the win would be a hollow victory.

Close of play, and Lucy was headed to the gate to walk home alone, nervous with no Craig, and Dex wasn’t around either, and not helped by the call

“Hey, Lucinda!” called Jim from his perch on the perimeter wall 

“A bit rough on Craig today then?” he opened as Lucy diverted

“Yes” she said  “I think it’s rather concerning that he can just get away with behaving like this”

“Yeah. But what’s to be done?”

“Why would you care?” risked Lucy

“Me? Cos if he keeps going, then sooner or later there’ll be complaints, then there’ll be scags snoopin’ around everything, that’s why”

Lucy nodded “I can understand that. From your perspective that could be an issue. If I think of anything, I’ll let you know, ok?”

Lucy walked the long way round avoiding the park, but it wasn’t till the next day that she found out how fortunate she’d been. Normally, she’d never stop to give the time of day to Jim Ansen. But now she was glad she had.

Maxine had something of a reputation throughout the year-group, and Lucy mostly gave her a wide berth. She was a friend of Craig’s, and on that count she was polite to her, but stopped short of being friendly. But now she was feeling upset on her behalf. Lucy was only earwigging the group in the hall below the stairs as she waited on the first floor landing

“I know who it was” she was saying to her close group “But I don’t really know what to do about it. And I keep getting flashbacks of the sight of that long pink scar all along his disgusting dick”

Lucy caught up with her later to offer support, and was gratefully received, although she’d expected to be rejected as nosey and interfering. 

Unusually, Craig was busy that afternoon and Lucy walked home with Maxine through the park and got a few more details even though she hadn’t raised the subject.

“D’you mind talking about it?” she’d asked

Maxine shrugged “whatever, its ok”

“I mean” continued Lucy “did he say anything?”

Another shrug “No. but he was, I dunno , singing. Like just one note, no tune, just something like ‘it’s a’ and then Nng, Ning Ning or something like that, like some kind of voodoo chant”

“Oh, Maxine, I’m so sorry. I’m sure you don’t want to think about it.”

“It’s ok. You know, it’s not the first time something like this has happened to me. Big families like mine can be a blessing, but there’ll always be some folk in there who are more of a curse”

Maxine had detoured to walk past Lucy’s house with her and on impulse she invited her in. But Maxine didn’t stay long. “Gotta get home. Me da’ will be worried if I’ much later”

“Of course!” agreed Lucy sympathetically “See you tomorrow”

But Lucy’s mind was racing again. She remembered hearing Umbundi use a word she didn’t understand during his attack on Clare. It sounded a bit like ‘charming’ but because she didn’t recognise the word she had difficulty remembering it exactly. But now, with what Maxine had said….

Saturday morning came round. She wanted to see Craig, but he was playing rugby. She thought about going down to watch but suddenly switched to taking a bus in to town. The library was heaving, but the crowd thinned out as she moved through to the African section. She browsed the books looking for indexes and maybe a reference to charm or ning or maybe something similar. Soon she had 7 or 8 open on a large table. The lady who approached her looked older than her mum and wore a colourful layered smock dress. Lucy imagined that it was traditionally African although she had no idea which part of Africa it might be from.

“Are you looking for anything in particular?”

“Hmm” said Lucy still concentrating on the book and not looking up “I’m looking for a word”

Then recovering herself, she sat up “Oh dear, I’m so sorry. Hello”

“And what language would this word be in?” she said in a kindly voice leaning her hand on the table

“Oh, I’m afraid I don’t know. I’ve heard it a couple of times in the last few days. A boy at school uses it. He’s recently arrived from Africa, not sure where. Central somewhere. Its definitely not the north like Libya or Morocco, and certainly not South Africa but I’m only now finding out how my much my knowledge of Africa is sadly lacking”

“Have you asked him what it means?”

“No, I … I don’t want to appear too interested, if you know what I mean”

The lady smiled, a broad natural smile 

“Well” she said “there are hundreds of languages in Central Africa, and thousands of dialects but a lot of them overlap to some extent. So, what word are you looking for, and maybe I would recognise it”

“Its cha-ing” said Lucy, “or maybe ‘cha-ring’ or maybe ‘char-ming’ or something close to it. And each time I’ve heard it, it’s been repeated. Once it was almost like a chant”

The smile disappeared from the ladies face

“Oh dear” said Lucy quickly “I do hope its not a rude word or I’ve said something to upset you. I must apologise if I have”

“No,” she replied recovering her composure “but depending on the context, it might be something that is not part of polite conversation. By the way, my name is Riyissa” she added as she pulled over a chair and sat down

“Oh dear” replied Lucy in a sudden panic for apology “I hope I’m not an embarrassment. Its just that I have no idea whatsoever. But he was with a girl friend of mine, and she certainly wasn’t enjoying herself”

Riyissa recovered her smile “I understand. Oh dear. Now, could it be he was saying Cha-Minga?  Sometimes with the Minga repeated?”

Lucy’s heart leapt “Oh my goodness” she managed to say, without adding that this could be the jackpot “that sounds very much like it”

Riyissa sighed “Unfortunately, I’m afraid your new friend is not being polite to you if he’s saying Cha-minga”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be offensive” she apologised again.

“I’m not offended at all. You were not to know. And in fact I applaud you for trying to find out. But I think it was a wise decision of yours not to be ‘too interested’, now that I know the context. I will explain it, if you like. But you must remember, you asked me”

“Oh dear, is it that bad?”

“Some might say…at least in European culture”

Riyissa explained, carefully watching Lucinda’s reaction, which was remarkably neutral, although her head was spinning leaving the library and she was hoping she hadn’t upset Riyissa too much. Sometimes, she thought on her way to school on Monday, there are things you know or find out that you don’t really need to know.

Tuesday, she set off as usual. No Craig this day, but the rain was still drizzling down, so a shortcut through the Park. She nearly walked straight into the man on the corner who was also turning in through the gate. They both took a step back and focussed on each other with a simultaneous ‘Oh! Sorry’. Lucy recognised him. 

“Oh Hi Mr…, oh I don’t think I know your surname”

He smiled seriously at her

“It’s Umbundi.”

Lucy’s face fell. 

“Yes, Umbundi in your class, his name is Dalazi. In our home country we always need to put our second name first and our first name last so that it can be more easily sorted in the files”

“Oh quite, it’s the same here sometimes”

He started to walk alongside her. “We’re going to the same place, we should walk together. There are many differences in our cultures, but some, you know, they are the same. It is heartening that you are taking an interest in our culture”

He looked across at her looking for a reaction. “Yes, my wife Riyissa told me she had been talking to you”

“I do hope I didn’t upset her. Did I?”

“No no no. Riyissa volunteered to work in the library to help anyone who was interested understand more about Africa. She is very knowledgeable about many subjects – geography, history, culture and of course politics - the dictators the corruption and the disappearances. You know that until you she has had, well, very little interest”

“Oh dear that is sad and … and disappointing”

“Yes” he sighed “so many sad things have happened since we arrived. I’m so sorry what happened to your friends. But also for Dalazi. It can’t be allowed to go on and I don’t know what to do”

Lucy desperately tried to break the silence

“Me neither” she said at length “but lots of us are quite scared now”

“Dalazi too - now - as well.”

Lucy decided to change the subject

“So if you don’t mind me asking, is it the government regime that is responsible for your escaping from your country?”

“Oh yes indeed. You see after I took a philosophy degree in Harare I studied law at Harvard. There we are taught that in order to prepare a case you must understand the opposing arguments. Only that way can you prepare your responses in advance and then press your own argument in addition. Unfortunately, taking this approach made me very unpopular with the president when I became leader of the opposition. I received a number of death threats, and in my country they tend to be carried out. A mistake many of our European and American colleagues make is to expect the same standard of justice in developing countries as there is here. So I ‘escape’ as you put it to England where I hope I am safe until the elections next year. Then I will return and see if we can get democracy to prevail. Now, which way to see the professor. I must see professor” as they reached the school gate.

“Is Dalazi coming in today” she asked as she guided him to the headmasters study

“No Lucinda he is not. He is not well and has had to go to the hospital, and I must talk to the professor about it”

Lucy headed for Maths but oh no, she only made it as far as the junior playground where Little Charlie Anderson from year 8 had a huge group round him and Lucy approached with interest. 

“Are you sure it was him” someone was asking Charlie for the umpteenth time.

“Of course it was. I’d recognise him anywhere, even if he was upside down” Charlie sniggered. 

The bell went, the group dispersed, but the bush telegraph went into overdrive. Craig caught up with Jim Anson after Physics, and then with Lucy in Chemistry. Yes, the rumour spread, someone had kidnapped him, tied a rope round one leg and hauled him up a tree over by the East path, you know, beyond where the juniors play football.

“Any ideas?” asked Craig as Lance Dunson barged into him as he left his Geography class

“Whatever” barked Lance all too quickly “But the bill are assuming it’s the same guy as assaulted Maxy”

“It can’t be” said Lucy as she walked home with Craig “It was Umbundi who attacked Maxine. Trouble is, no-one is taking Maxine seriously. I mean, it could have just been her going too far”

“I dunno” argued Craig “She told her dad, and that’s brave. He’s the kinda guy who expects you to look after yourself. And they went down the cop shop. The last time Maxy’s dad was in the cop shop he was in ’cuffs. It’s not a place he goes by choice.”

Thursday saw Umbundi back in school. And the headmaster was there for registration as the class was called to order.

“Now” he was saying “you all know Umbundi. Unfortunately, he’s not got off to the best start you know. Having escaped from the famine and repression in his country, we should all come together to look after him, and help him as a member of our community. So, we’re looking for a volunteer to buddy with him and help him adjust to the huge cultural differences that he is experiencing”

There were no immediate takers. 

“Tom?”

“Can’t do it sir, I work in the bakers every day from 4 o’clock.”

“Al?”

“Not me, sir. Don’t fink I know anyfin about culture”

“Ok. What about one of the girls? Maxine? You’re a friendly sort of person”

Maxine was dumbfounded. Her jaw dropped open but she was still completely speechless, letting out a sort of choking noise instead

“I’ll take that as maybe not”

“Well, Lucinda? Arguably you’re the most forgiving and tolerant girl in the class, so I think you’d have the level of empathy. Maybe you?”

Lucy stood up slowly, blinking quickly. From her corner of the room she could speak plainly and audibly to the whole class. But only Craig noticed her heart rate rise.

“Most decidedly not!” she said more forcefully than Craig had anticipated

“There is no way I am going to associate with him in any way, shape or form. I am repulsed to even be in the same room as him. But in addition, Professor Jenkins, I am no less than incensed that you should even suggest that even the most forgiving girl in the class, your words, not mine, should be tasked with buddying this animal after his assault on Clare Radcliffe, and who only last week attempted to rape my friend in the park!”

Lucy was now crying with rage and her voice was rising half an octave. 

“How dare you be so insensitive to the students who are supposed to be in your care!”

She walked forcefully to the door, and left the room. 

“Luc’! Excuse me sir”

Craig bolted for the door and followed her down the corridor.

“Jesus wept Lucy!”

She turned to him as he fumbled for a tissue and wiped her eyes.

“Lucy, are you ok? I mean. Powerful. That was awesome, but what about you. You are up for the high jump now!”

She returned his tissue with a short smile. 

“I’m fine” she said in a perfectly normal voice “It’s just, well sometimes I think a point needs to be made, and I always leave it up to someone else – till now”

“Yes. Well, let’s hope his dad doesn’t raise some slander type complaint”

“Can’t be slander, Craig. It’s all true. And raising the whole thing to that level would bring such bad press to all asylum seekers. Can’t see the Home Office letting that happen”

 Craig shook his head. 

“That’s all too complex for a simple soul like me”

 She chuckled. “C’mon simple soul. Nearly time for Chem. Might even be early for once”.

But Chemistry was a lost cause. It was Jenkins’ office instead, for the pair of them.

“We simply cannot condone such outbursts…”he had started fiercely. But Lucy was still in fighting mode and interrupted. 

“On the contrary Professor Jenkins. We cannot condone your dereliction of duty. Surely you should be looking after the students who are already entrusted to your care. Why are they all, especially the girls, being put at serious risk just so that this one individual can run around without sanction”

“Miss Telford!. Umbundi is a guest in our country. The cultural differences are enormous, and he needs all the help we can give him. Outbursts such as yours are not helpful. In fact they are unacceptable”

“Is that so, professor? May I remind you that one of your students was sexually assaulted, and a second was the subject of attempted rape by this ‘guest’ of yours. Your defence of him is in itself unacceptable. But what is worse is that you appear to be taking no responsibility to resolve this situation and continue to place your students at significant risk”

She was interrupted by the door opening

“I’m sorry Professor, but I have just finished a meeting with Douglas Radcliffe. He’s Clare’s father, and he is demanding a summary of what action we are taking regarding the assault on his daughter”

But the professor had no time to answer as Judith Draisbury, deputy head joined the party.

“Oh, sit down and close the door. We were just discussing that” he moaned “Everyone is pointing the finger at Umbundi. But do we have the evidence?”

“I should think so!” opened Craig “I got detention for pulling his arm out from up her skirt. And there were at least a dozen kids there”

“What’s surprising is how public it was” added Judith, “and Clare mentioned something about a chant”

“Yes, Maxine said something similar”

“Sounded like Ming, repeated”

“Well, ‘minger’ is a northern slang word for unattractive girl”

“But why pick on an unattractive girl?”

“There’s a problem with that” cut in Craig “You can’t describe Maxine as unattractive. She’s pretty sexy, and Clare, well, she’s pretty cute too”

The conversation continued speculating on the possible motives and the meaning of the chant

“So”, summarised Jenkins “We think its some sort of corruption of ‘charming’ and a possible colloquial term, but really we’re no farther forward, although the fact that both girls reported a similar strange phrase, suggests that maybe it was Umbundi”

And finally Lucinda felt she could squeeze a word in edgeways and sat up in her chair to interrupt 

“Professor. Mrs Draisbury! Would you like me to explain it?”

“Of course” returned Judith “That’s what we’re here for isn’t it, to understand these incidents. So if you can shed any light, then I for one would be delighted to hear it”

“Well.. .. you may not be as delighted when I’ve finished, so before I explain, let me first confirm that you asked me”

“Of course I asked you! What is your problem?”

“Ok, except its not very, well, polite”

She paused for breath “The chant is actually ‘Cha – Minga’ with the minga repeated several times. It’s a central African phrase and there is no translation into English. It used to be a practise in their culture but largely died out many years ago as contact with western civilisations became increasingly common. Even where there has been minimal contact and the tribes in that part of the world still operate in the same way that they have for several thousand years it has all but disappeared. The lifestyle was that of the hunter gatherer, with frequent raids on neighbouring villages. It’s the men of the village who hunt, and raid, and if the raid was successful, they carry off food and .. .. women. They’re not monogamous and children were looked after collectively. Few children knew who their father was, and it was as likely to be someone from the next village as anyone within the tribe itself.

Now, when a boy gets to a certain age, often about 14 or 15 but could be later, he had to perform his rite of passage to manhood. To prove he is a man he has to have sex with a female and she can not be a consenting adult from his own tribe. That would be too easy. Now, if there is a raiding party scheduled, he would be invited to go along, but before he does he has to declare his intention to perform this rite of passage. Declaring this intention is Cha Minga, and the phrase is used throughout the .. .. event, which must be completed within one month. Now, he is not supposed to attack any member of his own tribe, so if the raiding party fails, he’s got a problem. That can be solved by completing the act with a female from one of the groups of high primates, such as the local colobus monkeys. They however, tend to be protected by their own alpha male. And he will attack if his females are threatened. His attack is usually directed to the attacker’s genitals, and that, I suggest, is where the long scar came from that Maxine reported. So Clare and Maxine are not of his tribe, so are fair game, and an audience is necessary to prove the act took place. As you can imagine, this is significantly more difficult to arrange when a monkey is the target. And it is fortunate that there are still boys like Craig around to jump to the rescue.”

The room sat in stunned silence

“And this is why, Professor, your suggestion that one of the girls buddy him in cultural differences was so dangerous”

“You are remarkably knowledgeable on this obscure subject” taunted the Professor

“Unfortunately so” admitted Lucinda “I didn’t think twice about the chant when Umbundi was attacking Clare. But when Maxine mentioned something similar, I did some research”

“So that seems to indicate that it was Umbundi that attacked Maxine as she claimed, because this gives us the motive and the chant links them together, and to a primitive African heritage”

“Yeah” agreed Craig “and Umbundi definitely has a scar as Maxy described. I had a peek when he was doing a jimmy riddle. And it’s not healed up yet so it’s quite recent”

“Thank you Craig. You know, sometimes it is possible to have too much information” commented Judith “But I suppose we need to invite Umbundi’s parents in to discuss what we do next. I’ll call him later today”

Lucy was reserved and quiet on the slow walk home and Craig just held her hand

“You know, sometimes I think I know things that I’d be better off not knowing” she said reflectively. “I mean, we’re all taught to have this thirst for knowledge, but I don’t remember the lesson about how to be selective. I never suspected any of this when Riyissa started to explain it to me. And I’m not sure you can unlearn stuff either. But it also makes you think. Maybe we take everything too seriously. I mean, is it really such a big deal?”

“Yes it is, Lucy. And it is because collectively our society thinks it is. Families get their security from being monogamous. It reduces the spread of infection. Children ought to know who their father is and they should not need to be looked after collectively”

But next morning the world moved on again.

Jump

Jim spun round as someone tugged violently on his bag. The strap snapped as he tried desperately to grab it back

“Mine” menaced Umbundi as he snatched it out of reach

“Give it back or I’ll murder you”

Umbundi’s piercing eyes drilled into him and maybe for the first time ever Jim felt a little unsettled as Umbundi jumped instantly to avoid Jim’s lunge

“I know what’s in here” he muttered as he turned it upside down. School work, homework and books tipped out onto the ground and Jim scrabbled to collect them into a pile just as Umbundi was collecting the small bags of white powder and dropping them back into the bag. As quickly as Jim could move to ground him Umbundi danced around to avoid him. He grabbed the bag and made off. Jim was torn for a few seconds. Leave the books he decided. Maybe they’d be there later. He took off at a pace as Umbundi headed out the gate knocking several year eights into the road to play with the traffic. 

“Stop him! He stole my…”he yelled but stopped abruptly realising that attracting attention to the bag and its contents could be very bad news.

Lucy and Craig were in the park and saw the chase from a distance. They turned onto the side path to the gate towards the high bridge and joined the chase as a few others joined in as well. Lucy trailed off letting Craig put his rugby training to good use as they headed up hill to the bridge. 

The footway on the high bridge was closed for repair but Umbundi wasted no time swinging precariously round the side of the locked gate leaving nothing but thin air between him and the river a hundred feet below. And Jim was right behind. 

“I’m coming to get my bag back” he seethed as he scaled the bridge cross members. Jim heard the siren wailing and stopping close to him and he was aware that the traffic had stopped. A steady breeze was whistling through the girders, and it dawned on him that it would be strong enough to make his voice directional. Yes! he’d be able to say one thing to Umbundi and another to the old bill back on the roadway.

Jim was two girders away when the policeman called out to him. 

“I’m ok” he called back. “But he’s not. Think he’s gonna jump. Give me your arm. You’re ok just reach my arm and we’ll get back ok”

He turned back to face Umbundi “give me my bag or I’ll break you lousy neck”

Umbundi moved closer to the edge now concerned that his jungle experience was being matched by Jim’s precision rock climbing

“No! You’re going the wrong way. I can help you there. C’mon, grab my arm. We’ll get back to the road. I’ll help you get there” as he moved another cross brace closer and Umbundi moved to the edge. 

“Don’t be too careful, you might slip. 

Give me your arm. You can work it out. Problems ain’t anywhere near this bad man. 

Why don’t you do the human race a favour and just jump. Go on ya worthless rapist. Fall off! 

I’ve nearly got ya - grab my arm”

For effect Jim grabbed a side bar as if he had lost his footing and as a cover for moving closer to Umbundi 

“C’mon. An stop messin around grab my arm. 

Jump ya. Do yourself a favour. It’ll save you doin’ ten years Teddy in the slammer for what you did to Maxine. That’s why the bills ‘ere. Your nicked pal. Unless you just jump. Its all over for you, cos guys inside don’t like the sorts of things you’ve been doing”

Umbundi slipped a little right on the edge and raised one finger towards Jim. Then threw the bag as hard as he could towards the river. 

Jim turned towards the police “Oh what! That’s all my homework essays oh jeees! Never mind I can reach your arm if you reach out.

You’re as good as dead. If you get off this bridge alive, I’ll finish you off and no mistake so get on and jump and save us all the trouble”

But Jim started getting nervous. Umbundi’s eyes seemed to be projecting the devils curse at him. I don’t believe all that stuff, he told himself, but maybe he needed a new attack

“I know what you were trying to do. I overheard Lucy explaining it to Susie after High Jinx was finished with her. And you failed. You failed even with Maxine”

“Don’t you talk me on Maxine!” he said finally raising his voice

“And you want to call yourself a man. Yah! Anybody can make it with Maxine – except you. Everyone knows Maxy will go with anyone who asks her nicely and buys her an ice cream”

“Shut up!”

“Two cans of cider, you won’t even have to ask”

“Shut up”

“Except you, ya loser”

“I kill you, you say Maxine again”

He fixed Umbundi with an intense stare as he sensed someone approaching him across the infrastructure

“You back off now, son. I’ll talk him back. Good job done”

Jim turned to see a policeman crawling along the girder just off his right leg.

“Ok, officer. I’ve done my best. I think he’s calmed down a lot now. Might be about to come back”

He switched places with the officer and headed back to the main walkway. He positioned himself closer to the centre of the bridge, farther up wind and climbed back over the parapet. The officer was making progress, inching closer towards Umbundi as Jim checked the wind and prepared his exit back over the fence.

“Maxine!” he yelled at the top of his voice. 

Incensed, Umbundi looked around losing concentration. Jim watched as his hand slipped on the cold steel. The officer made a grab for him, but no. There were gasps in the small crowd as those who could see watched the slow motion as he scrabbled for and missed the lower cable. A disbelieving silence descended on the crowd as he hit the water and a rush for the downstream side of the bridge as he surfaced .... and disappeared across the weir on the fast current. Gone. Jim sat back on the parapet gazing blankly towards the people on the other side of the police cordon. Then turned to focus on the bridge supports. He was sure he could just make out his bag. It was near enough right up against the main suspension pillar, and well-nigh invisible against the rocks unless you knew what you were looking for. 

He walked slowly along the closed footpath towards the policemen at the far end of the bridge

“I did everything I could. Thing is officer, he’d failed his rite of passage, so I guess there was no way back whoever was out there”

“Failed his what?”

“Its an African custom. He’d have been an outcast and a failure in his own culture so there was no incentive for him to come back. There was no saving him”

“That’s ok son. Its ok. you did well. Sometimes we all do our best and yet we still miss out”

“Yeah”

“But are you ok?”

“Yeah. I’ll be fine”

Craig had kept pace with him and was there to help him as he swung back around the gate

“You ok?” Craig asked

“Yeah. That is pal, I just need a few minutes on my own”

The traffic was moving again and the small crowd was dispersing, most of them back towards school. 

But Jim avoided the crowd and slipped quickly onto the side path and skipped apace down the two hundred steps to the river bank. Find the bag, get back to school. All is not yet lost, he kept telling himself. 

Craig turned suddenly sensing someone behind him 

“Who fell?” asked Lance without emotion

“Umbundi”

“Hmm” Lance muttered a few comments to himself  “proper job”.

Lucy had crossed the road to be with Mr Umbundi

“Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry”

“Sorry Lucy?”

Lucy suddenly felt silly. He may well think that she was at least partly responsible and Mr Umbundi frowned at her

“I am! I just feel sorry for you. And your wife”

“Thankyou. But you shouldn’t. You see. While it ought to be a very sad thing Lucy..”

“…Ought?....”

“Yes” he repeated “It ought to be the saddest thing when someone of whatever age loses their life. But there are some cases when no one, without exception, is sorry to see them go. One of these is the dictator in my country whose only positive contribution to civilisation will be to die and do everyone a favour”

Lucy looked noticeably shocked, but Mr Umbundi continued 

“You know the other day when we were talking there were some things I did not tell you. We heard of the death threat through my sister-in-law. Usually all these threats are carried out inside 24 hours so you have to move quickly. She said she could hide us for two days till we could get a flight but only on condition that we took her son with us. My wife says no, we will take the car to the remote border crossing and take our chances with the jungle and the freedom fighters. It is then my sister-in-law says that our plan is discovered. She says that the guards will be here at dawn and we have to leave immediately with Dalazi. She knows he is disturbed and that he believes religiously in the ancient customs and that she can no longer handle him. The only hope for him is that we bring him to England where he can get the treatment he needs. My wife says she will leave me if we are left to try to control Dalazi, and I think she means it.  Of course, we also think that maybe it is my sister-in-law that feeds our plan back to the authorities to force us to take Dalazi. And of course the border agents are waiting for a couple, not a family of three. Despite this, I still hope she is surviving, because one thing they like less than the opposition is a double agent. But if she is, then she will now get her life back. I get to keep my wife. And you and your friends can be safe again”

 “I suppose I should close the school for the day” said Professor Jenkins as Lucy confirmed the news at the gate as they returned

 “I should think not!” Lucy exclaimed, but interesting that he thinks I’m a trusted source of information

“Stone me! We’ve just witnessed something from which everyone, without exception will benefit. And you’re thinking about pulling 600 late rents out of earning a crust to look after kids who should be in school! S’plain daft?”

The professor was unnerved at being unexpectedly on the sharp end of Craig’s tongue as well as Lucy’s

“Oh dear, but as a mark of respect to the family?”

“I suggest a party would be more appropriate”

Mr Umbundi turned to her

“I’ll leave the partying to you. In the meantime let me say it has been my privilege to meet you. I certainly do not want to be the opposition when you are the president in power”

He held out his hand for Lucy to shake, turned and walked slowly away

The Professor turned to her from watching him out of sight

“Back to work”

“Business as usual, Sir”

Craig found himself reflecting on the whole thing during Physics. It all seemed to be ending well, but then Umbundi was dead – well presumed dead, last seen disappearing downstream. 

Break time was for keeping his ear to the ground, and then home time – with Lucy. This was always a quiet, wind down time – and the café was open on the east side of the park. 

They’d only just sat down at a table next to the fence when Maxine came by and yes she would love a coke, if someone else was paying. 

“I guess that’s all over now” said Maxine. 

“Yeah, agreed Craig. The Bill have decided that Umbundi was the guy who attacked you after all. Maxine nodded and shrugged

“And they’ve given up the hunt for whoever strung Umbundi up cos there’s no point because no-one’s pressing charges, cos no-ones made any kind of complaint”

“Hmm” said Craig “So maybe I can let you into a secret. So long as you don’t tell anyone”

Both girls suddenly perked up

“Go on then Craig. What’s this?”

“I know who strung him up”

Maxine’s eyes dilated. “You do? Please tell me it’s not one of my family!”

“Why’s that?” asked Lucy innocently

“Cos they’ll want some kind of, well, repayment. They’ll want paid back for whatever revenge - if you get what I mean”

Lucy looked puzzled

“I mean” explained Maxine “it’s not a big deal, I mean, the guys. Like, they spend real money and take real time. And all I do is co-operate and share the fun”

Lucy was shocked, again, as Craig shook his head and moved the conversation in its original direction 

“As far as I know he’s not related to you”

“Oh, thank the lord for that. So was it Jim?”

“No, not Jim”

“Jason?”

“Not Jason”

“No?”

“No. It was… Lance Dunson”

“Lance? But I hardly know him. I think I’ve only spoken to him a couple of times”

“Fair point, Maxy. But it’s actually nothing to do with that. He’s…”

“Hmm” grunted Maxine “I’m a little disappointed now. Would have thought someone would take up a bit of revenge on my behalf”

“They probably would have. I’ll bet they went out looking for him. But when they got to the park they found him already strung, so they, like, went home” suggested Craig. 

“Ok, well, maybe. But thanks for making me feel better – like you always do”

Lucy clocked the look in Maxine’s eyes as she said that and wondered that if she looked at Craig like that what inference he’d take from it.

“Its just the way he said something up on the bridge. But the big deal is that he’s going out with Clare Radcliffe”

The girls looked at each other as though the penny had suddenly dropped

“But it’s not really finished” rejoined Lucy changing the subject only slightly “I mean, this has had a major impact on lots of us, and in some ways we’ll never be the same again. Don’t you think so Maxine?”

“Yeah Lucy’s right, I mean, no-one’s gonna believe that Lucy is just an ornament in the corner of the Maths class anymore. I mean, she’s a force that can take on the whole school, and there’s not many that can do that and win – even the likes of Jim Ansen, or Jason”

“Yes, but what about you?” he asked Maxine

“Me, yeah. I’m, like quieter, more thoughtful. Maybe just a bit older. Hope maybe I’m not quite so stupid”

“Anyway, what I want to know is, are you two gonna be together forever?”

“Craig and Lucy looked at each other simultaneously.

“I dunno” said Craig. “Kids change as they grow up. Everyone changes as they get older. If you like the change, you’re ok, if not you break up - I guess.”

“Yes” nodded Lucy. “If you like, or at least you can live with the changes, and they fit in with your own direction, then there’s no problem. If not, you either work it out or go separate ways”

Her voice tailed off a bit 

“So until we recognise how we’re changing” said Craig “who knows”

Maxine got up to leave “I need to get back. Me da’ll worry about me. Think this may have affected him a bit too”

“Bound to have”

“Thanks for the coke”

“Do you think this will have lasting effect on everyone?” asked Lucy as they continued through the park

“Not everyone. Some folks who weren’t really involved will just shrug it off. Others, well that’s different. I mean, look at Maxine. Try anything for a laugh. Here there and everywhere all at once if there was trouble to be found. Now? quieter more thoughtful you could say almost reserved or introverted. But I ’spect she’ll recover, you know, bounce back”

 Lucy stayed quiet. “And what about me” she said at length. 

Craig thought for a while. 

“Do you think I’ve changed?” she prompted 

“Lucy, you’re bound to be a bit different. You’ve been through the mill over the last few weeks. What with your folks having problems and then getting involved in all this”

“But have I changed?”

“I think you’re gonna find the rest of the world has changed. I mean all the guys are gonna see you in a different light now”

 “But things happen when you’re young. They affect the way you are. You know, your whole personality” she speculated

Craig nodded “Yeah. It’s just part of growing up and everyone does it differently. And you’re gonna find things different around school”

She looked quizzical

“The whole place is buzzing about the way you took on the High Jinx. I think you’re gonna get an invite to join the school council to put the students perspective. The People’s Champion, and all that”

Lucy was quiet. Like she would be Mr Umbundi and the School would be the government party, but that was all quite scary and Craig could see she’d disappeared into contemplation as they walked to her gate.

Lucy on the Attack

It was the following week and Lucinda was in REM

Most kids took it to mean ‘rapid eye movement’ which is a kind of sleep, because it was usually so boring. But it was supposed to be ‘Religion, Ethics and Morals ‘and it was not going well. 

Draw something to represent world peace, the mature student teacher had commanded. 

Drawing was not Lucy’s strongpoint, but it did occur to her that there was a widely used Chinese symbol of harmony and without getting too despondent, that would do especially because this particular trainee had not endeared herself to the class with her abrupt manner and arrogant posture.

Unusually, Jim Ansen was beside her for this exercise, as she carefully crafted the curves of the symbol. Jim, however, was busily drawing different shades of people in varying positions of love making, signifying, he claimed, social integration and racial harmony.

The piercing eagle eyes, fell and rested on Lucinda’s work. 

“And what is that?” she demanded sounding increasingly supercilious 

“It’s the Chinese symbol for equating good and evil, miss”

“Rubbish”

She snatched the paper from her and stuffed it unceremoniously onto Susan’s desk.

“Tell me, what does this signify?”

Susie was taken aback and hesitated longer than she would tolerate and she snatched it back to ask Jim Ansen instead

“Its” Jim hesitated

“Well?”

“It’s the symbol for sex position 69. That is oral sex, Miss”

Susan and Lucinda held their breath. Would he get away with that!

“Exactly. Thankyou. And Lucinda, there is no place in this room for that sort of thing”

“Pity” muttered Jim, but hardly audibly

She shared a shrug with Jim, as the teacher moved on to victimise someone else.

It was later that evening that she was searching through the encyclopaedia in the study, when her dad poked his head round the door.

“Looking for something?”

“Yes, but I can’t remember what it’s called”

“Sounds like its bugging you”, 

“Yes, but.. Oh, maybe it doesn’t matter”

He  bent down beside her “Come on, Lucinda, I’ll help you look if you can give me a clue. Is it important?”

“Oh, maybe not. But, daddy, there’s just too much I don’t know about”

“That’s a tough one. Almost everyone knows only a fraction of a percent of everything there is to know. I think the trick is knowing a lot about a few things and have a fairly sketchy knowledge of lots of others. But there’ll always be subjects you know nothing about”

“I suppose so, but I got into trouble today for not knowing something which apparently is common knowledge”

“But you gain more knowledge every day of your life. Maybe you just haven’t come across this yet. So what was it?”

“I don’t think I should ask you”

“Really! There’s no such thing as a stupid question. If you don’t know it makes sense to ask”

“Ok then, but promise you won’t be cross”

She related the incident that led into a rare conversation with him. Andrew made sure he didn’t appear judgemental. Of course his little girl was growing up, and of course there were things she’d come across that she knew nothing about. But that, at least, said something relatively innocent about her relationship with Craig. And in the context, no he didn’t need to be concerned about the company she was keeping.

“Ah” he said as he suddenly clicked “You’re looking for the Chinese Yin and Yan symbol. Under Y. Should be volume 22”

He pulled it from the shelf and found it in seconds. They read the first few paragraphs together

“So, I was right!”

“It appears so. I would have thought your teacher would know that. It’s hugely significant across all of Chinese culture, balancing good and evil. And its taken on an international acceptance as well”

“Can I take this to school? Promise I’ll bring it back. And.. .. Thankyou”

Lucinda was nearing the science block entrance when she caught up with her.

“Hello, Miss”

“Oh, hello Lucinda. Is there something I can help you with?”

“Well, yes”

A number of her class were funnelling in towards the door but stopped seeing them talking. Susan was there and Dexter, Lance and Jim were loitering close by.

“You see, I was confused yesterday, but I wasn’t sure enough to be able to explain it. Look”

She opened the book “This is what I was drawing. It’s Yin and Yan, the international symbol of harmony, and that exactly fits the brief you set”

The group listened intently. There was an expectation here, after the previous episode where Lucinda had taken on the Professor, and won.

Miss read the first couple of paragraphs.

“Yes, well that’s all very well, but we’re not Chinese. In our culture in means….”

“Oh, yes miss, I did research oral sex as well. I asked a fella I know and he told me everything about it”

A giggle ran through the group rising to total laughter as Lucinda closed with “But he said it’s not to everybody’s taste”

Jim and Dex keeled over laughing while Miss glared at her and moved on without a farther word 

“Good one, Lucy” said Jim as they made it to the Chemistry corridor

“Thanks Jim” she replied still nervous about being anywhere near him

“See – if someone had wound me up, I’d like as not just floor ‘em. But that doesn’t work so good on teachers. But, see, you. You just outsmart them, with what’s it? Humiliation. Yeah. And that’s clever. That’s way more clever than I could do, cos it works on everyone”

He peeled off to the B group class, frowning and clearly thinking about it but Lucy felt that maybe she’d gained some credibility from the school’s main bully. And that was progress, probably.

The incident became the topic of conversation in the staffroom, and at break it was buzzing. A number of teachers were quietly admiring the recent development from arguably the quietest girl in the year, while others were becoming concerned that they would be the next victim of humiliation. The trouble was - she was right. 

“I don’t want to have to watch every single detail for fear of humiliation”

“Well, just don’t pick on her, she only does it in retaliation. Its not proactive”

“One things for sure” said Art Jackson You don’t want to get on the wrong end of her tongue”

“Bad choice of words from our English department – in the circumstances”

“Quite. But she’s an interesting pupil. We’re about to start Romeo and Juliette and I asked what type of play it was. And what she said was, well. It’s a love story, so it must be a tragedy”

But the next afternoon, Art found himself in the firing line.

Lucy was looking puzzled as he opened the lesson, and Art had asked her if she was all right.

There was a pause just long enough to alert the class that Lucy may be about to say something controversial.

“Sorry, sir, but why are we doing Romeo and Juliet?”

“Because it’s on the syllabus, and there will be questions on it in the exam”

“But surely there are other Shakespeare plays on the syllabus too?”

“Yes, there are quite a few, but what have you got against Romeo and Juliet?”

“Well sir, it’s just that, and recent events have reinforced this, there’s just far too much violence. This play is, I believe, about two rival gangs that are at each other’s throats and ends in the sad and violent deaths of the two title characters. I think teaching this in schools just increases the likelihood of people believing that this is a normal and acceptable way to behave. I appreciate that it was written several hundred years ago, but parallels will be drawn with modern society and that would give the impression that nothing ever changes and therefore represents an acceptable norm. So there would be even less motivation for anyone to change it to make the world a better place to live”

“So you’re saying that it’s too violent to be a set piece?”

“Yes. I’m saying that teaching about violence encourages violence, and is there not a comedy such as ‘As You Like it’ or ‘The Merry Wives of Windsor’ in the exam instead?”

Art was lost for a direct answer. The decision had been made at the pre term syllabus meeting, although, he recalled, without any discussion. And now….

“Does anyone else have a view?” he asked, hoping that either a solution would spring into his head, or a hole would open up in the floor underneath him 

“I think Lucy’s right” said Dex “But sometimes you need to remember that the world out there is a violent place”

Jim Ansen joined in “With loads of kids, violence is a way of life, and death. You just have to get used to it”

“So is it not even more important that we present these kids with an alternative when they come to school, maybe present a different way of living, or at least some light relief rather than perpetuating their misery?”

“Lucy” said Art “I’ll raise this at the department meeting later today. In the meantime, we’ll press on with some background on William Shakespeare himself, and the society he lived in, and delay starting the actual play till next time”

“Thankyou, sir”

Lucy was contemplative and insecure on the way home. Craig tried to be sympathetic, but this was a case where she’d started the issue, rather than just react to it, and to Craig that was different.

“I’m not really that bothered what play they choose” she said eventually “I just think they ought to pay more attention to the wider issue of what impact it’s going to have, rather than just hiding in their own blinkered microcosm”

Craig stopped walking “Lucy. Listen. Please. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. I… I know these issues are important. But you’re not resilient enough to take the flak”

Lucy bit the inside of her cheek. She felt like she was being told off.

“Oh, Lucy. Reacting and defending yourself when you’re dropped in it is great, but this? This is looking to improve the world on behalf of person or persons unknown”

Cue Little Piece of Heaven – Elles Bailey

They walked on in silence with Craig getting increasingly worried, but he could see she was thinking, or sulking – one of the two. They reached her gate. Craig’s concern was that in trying to stop her getting too far into this he’d dug a great big hole for himself, and he knew that when you realise you’re in a hole you stop digging

“Ten past eight?” he said hopefully 

She looked disappointed, but nodded and smiled. He watched her disappear through her front door, and took an absolute age to walk back to his house.

“So what’s up with you” asked Suzanne as he helped serve dinner

He heaved a big sigh “I’ve upset Lucy. I didn’t mean to, or maybe I did – because I’m trying to stop her getting into trouble”

“But you’ll see her in the morning?”
 “Yes. I guess”

Darren had come in on the end of the conversation “I’d phone her this evening “

“Yeah?”

“Yes Craig. Don’t leave it overnight”

“I don’t know what to say, dad”

“You say ‘sorry’ and that you are desperately worried about it and that you were only trying to save her from some confrontation”

Lisa arrived “Girl trouble, Craig? They’re nothing but trouble. Actually, I don’t have too much to do with girls, I prefer boys”

“Lis’ ! that’s cos you’re a girl – Oh never mind”

Craig procrastinated till mid evening, and eventually talked himself into taking his dad’s advice

“Telford”

“Hello Mr Telford. Could I possibly speak to Lucinda, please?”

“Who’s calling”

“It’s Craig, Mr Telford”

“Lucinda, Craig on the phone for you – she’ll be here in a moment”

“Craig?”

“Hi Lucy. Listen, I’m really worried that I’ve upset you. I was only trying to look after you......”

 “Craig. It’s ok. Actually, you’re right. I’m not Mr Umbundi taking on the dictator. I’m not the people’s champion and I don’t want to be on the school council”

“Well, I wanted to say sorry”

“But you don’t need to because you’re right.  I’m just a fragile little girl who’s disappointed in herself for trying to climb out of her box”
 “Well ok. But I’m sorry anyway. I just hope I haven't upset you too much”

“Craig, it's ok. I know you were only trying to help, but, oh, I guess I just don't like being wrong”
 “You're not mad at me then?”
 “Not at all. And you're not mad at me for being stupid are you?”
 “No, not at all. See you in the morning?
 “Of course. Looking forward to it. Bye”
 
 “Who was that” barked Drew.
 “Craig”
 “Craig?”
 “Yes Craig. We walk home together sometimes”
 “Humph . What does he want?”
 “He was concerned he'd upset me”.
 Lucinda recited the episode from the English Lit lesson.
 “And what did this Craig have to say about it?”
 “He was warning me not to bite off more than I could chew”
 “Humph. Well at least one of you has got some sense. You're becoming quite the little activist aren't you? Well, be careful. Taking on the establishment, no matter how well meaning, is a major risk. The establishment is there to look after itself and to make money for itself, not for any altruistic motives. It may look like they're at each other's throats, labour versus conservative, commerce versus ethics, one manufacturer against the next. But when they come under collective threat you will find the most unlikely bedfellows. And they're ruthless at crushing the threat. Then, when that's done they can get back to their own petty squabbles and making more money”
 “Yes dad, but surely the teachers are supposed to be working in the best interests of the kids?”
 “I think you'll find a lot of that, and certainly more than most industries. But they also need to limit their workload, so if they've set up a syllabus for one year they'll try to use it the next in the interests of self-preservation”
 “I suppose”
 “Look Lucinda, even if you decide to become a full time activist or charity worker, rule number one is live to fight another day. You won't help yourself, or be available to help anyone else, if you knock yourself out on day one. Think about what will be lost, if you lose. And think about the cost of winning. You may help some of the underprivileged who are unlikely to thank you. In any change there are always winners and losers. The winners are those who benefit from the change, and the losers are usually those who are making money from the existing system, even if you class those people as criminal. Lucinda, what you need to do is stick to your tried and tested formula, that is, think it through to the end before you start”
 
 Lucy was less deflated the next morning. She'd already decided to drop the whole thing before Art collared her before assembly.
 “Lucy, I've looked at the syllabus, and you are right that 'As You Like It' is there. But. All the notes for Romeo and Juliette have already been printed, and we'd have to change the B group as well because of the joint revision sessions before the exams”
 “I agree Mr Jackson. I’ve  been thinking about how much work it would be for you to change it. I think we should just forget the whole thing. Maybe next year?”
 “Thank you for your understanding, Lucy. I'll have to raise this in class tomorrow, in order to close it down, but I wanted to clear things up with you first.”

 True to his word, he opened with it in class the next day
 “You will remember that Lucy raised the very valid question of whether there was a Shakespeare comedy instead of Romeo and Juliet that we could study instead, in order to reduce the overall level of violence appearing in the curriculum. Lucy?”
 “However” continued Lucy on cue “the lesson notes, the revision notes and the timetable for joint revision sessions with the ‘B' group have already been printed, and it's a huge amount of work to do it all again. Given that, it makes more sense to stick with Romeo and Juliette, at least for this year”

 “I thought you were up for the fight Lucy?” said Jim Anson as he caught up with her on the way out
 “No Jim. As soon as I realised I wasn't going to win, I backed out”
 Jim frowned at her
 

“I thought it through last night again and decided its a non-starter. I'd be better using my energy somewhere else”
 “Wish I was as clever as you Lucy”
 

But she was in reflective mood again that afternoon on the walk home.

“I don’t mean to disappoint everyone, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to join the school council, or any other anti-establishment group. I don’t think my ego is big enough to want that kind of hassle. But I’m more concerned about how all these events are changing me. I would never have raised this issue in English before. Like, I think Maxine is still a lot quieter since – well, you know since when. So do you see any more changes in me?”

“Lucy, its real hard to say. Sometimes when things happen, people change, but folks close in don’t notice, they just accept different situations on different days. I mean, if you don’t see someone for a year you’ll see the differences, but when you see them every day you don’t notice”

“So what do you think? Do you think you’ll still want to walk home with me?”

“Of course I will. You won’t have changed that much. Grown three heads or something. Lucy, seeing you after school is the highlight of my day. Although I guess that sounds a bit stupid”

“No”

Craig looked crestfallen “Is that a no, or no, but?  Wow. Surely I haven’t changed that much too?”

She put her finger up to his lips to silence him.

“No, I think you’re just the same. You’ve been the same Craig that looks after me every day after school, who’s right beside me all the time, even when you’re not there.. .. I was just thinking”

She took hold of his arm gently 

“Craig, a long, long time ago, maybe over a month ago you asked me to go to the cinema with you. You said you’d rather do that than go with Maxine. We know why it never happened. But… Do you think that invitation might still be open?”

Craig was suddenly speechless. 

“Wow yeah it sure is”

“Well. I’d like to accept that invitation, if its still open” Craig was nodding furiously

“You see, I like our walks home together, but somehow they don’t take seem to take long enough and I was hoping we might be able to spend a bit more time together. And.. And I guess I was hoping you might think the same way”

Struth! 

“And I was hoping, that …well, that it wouldn’t be too big a change for us to accept”

“Lucy. Oh Lucy. I’ll go out with you every day of the week, and twice at weekends”

He took hold of both her hands impulsively, 

“I’ll sort something for Saturday”

“We can’t choose the things that change us. They just happen to us but maybe we can try to stop them interfering with the things that matter”

“I’ll sort Saturday, you make sure its ok with your dad”

It was too much of a public place for a full sized kiss but she reached up and kissed him gently with a peck on the cheek.

I’ll not be washing for a month now. He called as she reached her door and turned with a wave and the prettiest smile Craig had ever seen.

“Cinema? Who with?”

“Craig. He’s the boy I walk home with sometimes”

“Craig. Ah yes. He’s the sensible one who’s trying to keep you out of trouble”

That was not quite the description she would have used, but it was hardly worth arguing as she figured that it might just describe someone acceptable to her dad

“Ok. But be careful. And Lucinda, here’s £10 in case you need a taxi or something. And don’t be later than 10.”

Saturday evening came - and went. Lucy had tried to look smart but had found it a struggle as she had never done anything like this before. She tried on a number of outfits and settled on a rather conservative dark pencil skirt and floral pattern white top. It would have been nice to have some help, and she considered phoning Susan, or even Lisa. But Lisa would only tell her jokes or make fun of her, and Susan would ask too many questions, well, she would have said, it depends what impact you’re trying to make and… . And oh, is this not why a girl has a mum?

But mum wasn’t there. She’d hardly been home and some of her meetings now seemed to be set up for the client site instead of her office and she wasn’t even in Birmingham which made getting home even more difficult. And when she did get home late on a Saturday it was only a few hours before she was off again. Why bother? Della’s efforts at preserving her family had worked up to a point, but this hadn’t resolved the root cause. And with Della now in Durham that line of defence had dried up as well.

But Craig said she looked fabulous with enough enthusiasm to be convincing. 

The movie was difficult. Lucy found herself sitting on the edge of the seat on many occasions wondering why the hero or villain didn’t do what she considered obvious to avoid the next disaster. Quite a number of couples around them had clearly given up watching and were paying more attention to each other than to the screen and Lucy began to feel that maybe she was being slightly neglected just as Craig slipped his arm around her. The cuddle was soft and gentle and comforting. She found herself leaving the plot behind and thinking instead about her and Craig, and maybe it was that that made her miss some vital points in the film

“I didn’t really understand that” she said on the way home after they’d both agreed it may not have been the best film ever made “Why didn’t that hero bloke get together with Jill right at the start?”
 “Because then there wouldn’t be any storyline left for the film”

“Hmm. And Jodi. Why did they have to kill her? That was unnecessary, and so sad”

“Lucy, that was probably slipped in there for exactly that reason. As a talking point. Or maybe the producers couldn’t afford to keep her on for the sequel”

“What?”

“Lucy, its all fiction.”

“Good time?” barked Andrew as she got back

“Yes, thankyou. But the film was a bit odd. Even the hero seemed to miss the patently obvious solutions”

“Ok, Lucinda. But you also have to remember that the film was created to make money, not to be analysed, or to be nice to everyone”

The walk to school on Monday touched on Saturday night, it was dominated by home-work and Craig trying hard to tell her not to go making any more trouble without actually telling her not to go making any more trouble. But the walk home was a bit more them rather than just her.

“But I still feel so sorry for Karl. It nearly made me cry when I thought about it in Chemistry”

“Karl?”

“Yes! Jodi’s husband. Just the look on his face when he found her dead”

“Lucy! Its all the product of a script writers imagination. That scene was there at the end to generate emotions like that to get everyone to go back and see the next film in the series. Maybe he’ll get revenge or something”

“Well. Maybe, movies are not really my thing. I think I’d get too involved with things like that and I’m still naive enough to believe it was real”

“Maybe we should stick to our world reality”

“Next weekend we’ll have to think of something different. Unless there’s a really good film on. Do you think your dad will let you come out again?”
 “I don’t see why not. He seems go think you’re sensible, and I wasn’t wearing anything outrageous, and I got home on time”
 “Ok, why don’t you see how flexible he is and I’ll try to think of something else. Except its getting cold in the evenings. But nothing too adventurous. We’re both a bit old fashioned. Maybe we could just do a picnic by the river, but it might be too cold. Maybe just coffee and donut at the café at the library – then you could tell your dad you were going to the library”

“Either of those, or maybe both? You choose.”

“But I don’t want you to think I’m boring”

Craig wracked his brains. Somewhere that wasn’t boring. Somewhere inside because it was getting towards the middle of October and the weather wasn’t looking good. Sitting by the riverbank in the cold rain was unlikely to help his case. Café in town? But he didn’t want to be with other kids – there would be too much comment and too much comparison. Library? A bit like school, surely? But on checking the events page in the paper, the library might not be a completely lost cause. Saturday evening, String quartet. Maybe that would be Lucinda’s thing although he himself couldn’t remember ever having heard a string quartet. But this was interesting, instead of a second violin this quartet had a full sized harp. Even if it wasn’t a particular interest of hers, she would surely be impressed.

Thursday saw the plan all change. Lucy caught up with him at lunch break looking wide eyed and nervous.

“Craig…”she started slowly hoping that he’d realise she was building up to something “did you set anything up for Saturday?”

“Yeah. But it’s a surprise. I…”

“Craig….I’m so sorry. But I can’t make it….”
 “But why not! Is it me? Or has your dad grounded you for something”

“No. No Craig. Its not you. And I‘m not grounded. Dad’s ok with us going out together. But we’re going out to dinner. Something special, but I’ve no idea what. Its in Birmingham. Della’s coming down from Durham and there’s two of mum and dad’s friends there as well”

“Oh wow!”

“Craig, if I had any choice at all I’d go with you. But its not like that”

“Oh. Ok. I guess that’s the trouble with surprises”

Craig walked her home after school on Friday as usual, but the atmosphere was a little down beat with both of them disappointed that the Saturday date was cancelled. But Craig tried to raise the air saying this dinner of hers sounded mysterious.

“I hope not. But mum’s been working up there a lot. Maybe she just found a really good restaurant”

It was Saturday, but in seemed to be a lot more complex than it ought to have been. No-one found it obvious. Ok, Jane had stayed Friday night in Birmingham anyway, and Stuart lived there. Carole could go home for the weekend and Cordelia could come down from Durham more easily than all the way to Somerset. So that left Andrew and Lucinda to get up to the Midlands.

Except it didn’t quite work out that way. Carole decided she’d have to work Saturday to have any chance of meeting the stage deadline for the assignment. So Lucinda went up early by train to spend a rare afternoon with her sister while Jane and Carole went into work. Not wanting the girls to hammer his credit card all afternoon in the Bull Ring, Andrew would stick with his original golf appointment and make Birmingham in time for dinner.

It was late, at least half an hour after their reservation time. The girls were at the restaurant first looking out of the first floor window across the car park but were surprised to see someone who wasn’t Jane get out of their dad’s car. 

“Hey, Luc’. Who’s that with dad, cos its not mum?”

“Don’t know. I guess it could be the other lady on the invite list. Carole, isn’t it.”

And sure enough, Andrew introduced them, after explaining that the traffic was horrendous with a multiple crash at the M50 junction

“This is Carole. She’s Stuart’s partner. But she’s also the consultant that’s doing the takeover feasibility study for us at the moment. Seemed sensible to travel up together rather than her get the train and me drive”

But there was no such simple explanation for her mum arriving so late with the last member of the party. Della also picked up that they seemed very close beside each other as they came through the doorway, which was by no means a squeeze. Then they sat close together at the table, but no matter. 

The dinner was going rather well, if a little disjointed due to the diverse mix of people and ages who didn’t know each other. 

The main course was coming to an end and Stuart had already finished when he pushed his plate away and leaned across the table

“You’re probably wondering what the point of all this is”he opened, although Lucinda hadn’t considered that a point was needed for a family to get together with, or without, a few friends.

“You know” he said looking as though he was trying hard to be thoughtful “everyone meets certain issues as they go through their life. Most of these relate to relationships, because these change shape as people change and their circumstances change. You may know that Carole and I are in the final stages of our separation. And we all know that Drew and Jane have been fighting something of a losing battle to stay together. So we’re solving all these issues at once what with Carole working with Drew down in the west, and Jane working up here in Birmingham. So the point is,  Jane and me are moving in together”

“What! When?”

“Starting, well, now. Carole, you’ve got your hotel room, and most of your stuff lives in a suitcase anyway, so we’ll be living at the flat for the foreseeable future.”

“NO! Just stop right there. Mum, Dad. We went through all this before my exemptions . We all agreed I need a mum, and a dad and ..”

“But you’ve still got a mum, Jane here, and a dad, Andrew over there” retorted Stuart.

Della looked exasperated “I don’t think you get the point of a family! It needs to be together!”

“Maybe it does. But Jane is away on business at least 5 days a week, a lot of it up here in Brum. Andrew will continue to work fourteen hours a day. You’re way up in Durham, and Lucinda is really the only one at home”

He looked at her blankly as though his point was foolishly obvious

“Stuart and I have both been happy since we started seeing each other. And neither of us has had that for quite some time. So it’s the way forward for us”  said Jane definitively

“Dad! Do something.”
 “I don’t think he can” said Stuart

“No” continued Jane “you can’t stop someone going. You can only stop them coming back, remember?”

“We” announced Stuart “will be skipping dessert, but the bill is all on my account so stay as long as you like”

“Mum?”

“Don’t worry Cordelia. I’ll be able to get up to see you in Durham much more easily from here in Birmingham” and was gone, holding hands and with an unusually light step as they disappeared through the door.

Cue Bad Cover Version by Pulp

“Can’t believe it. Its unbelievable, Its not really happening. Is it?” breathed Della

“Nor me” exclaimed Carole. “This is all new to me. Its…”but Carole’s words tailed off not knowing what to say next

“Well, I’ve got assessment time first thing in the morning. I’m going to get my train”

“Do you need a lift?”

“No, thanks. Its only two minutes from here”

Della had tears in her eyes, but was too wound up to cry as she picked her coat from the stand 

“Dad, I’ll call you tomorrow so you can tell me it’s all a sick joke” and left in something of a flurry.

The three of them looked at each other as their individual brains tried to come to terms with it all.

“So what do we do now?” asked Carole

“Have dessert” replied Lucy “I mean, it's all on Stuart's bill, so why not”

“Lucy! This is serious and you’re thinking of pudding!”
 “I agree with pudding, but you seem remarkably calm about all this” Drew commented to Lucy

“I’m not hungry any more” wailed Carole softly
 “I suppose so. I think these things are a huge shock the first time, especially with Della going postal. But then, after that, you realise the world will keep turning and the sun will come up tomorrow. Ohh just look at that lemon cheesecake! But you, and mum, have been pretty miserable over this last year. So maybe you'll be happier with Carole”
 “With me!”
 “Sorry? I thought this was a straightforward swop” she continued despite the incredulous looks from both the adults “Dad, you turn up with Carole. Mum turns up with Stuart, and then you leave with Carole and mum leaves with Stuart. Seems straightforward, isn’t it? And this was set up for me and Della. No? The only change is me taking the train up and driving back with you. And that's hardly a big deal on its own”
 “But, Lucy, this is this first I've heard of this”
 “Yes, this is all new to me too”
 “You mean, you two weren't an item before tonight?”
 “No, but there's also a certain future implication in that statement”
 “Hmmm. Even though you spent all yesterday and most of today and then turn up together. While mum and Stuart spend all weekend together up here. Still, it wouldn't be the first time I've got the wrong end of the stick”
 “Lucy, your dad and I aren't involved with each other in that way”
 “But dad has been ten times happier since he first mentioned he was working with an attractive consultant” Lucy continued despite a number of counteractive ‘buts’ from Carole “It just doesn’t make sense any other way”

“Well. I guess there’s nothing else to be done other than just head back to the South West then?”

“I guess so – But. I’m feeling a bit numb.”

“Oh, Carole. You were splitting up with Stuart anyway”

“Yes, but you and Jane weren’t”

“Well, clearly we were. Only I didn’t know. And this isn’t going to help us stay together. Maybe it was just a matter of time anyway. And if she’s made her mind up, and she’s happy with Stuart, then maybe it’s not all bad anyway”

“Drew, that’s a bit harsh!”

“Daddy, does that mean mummy will never come back?”

“No, Lucinda. Of course not. She’ll still want to see you. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she makes more effort to connect with you than she did before”

“I think I’m becoming quite sad about this. But, then again, I’m not sure what I think”

“What I think, is that it’s like I was quietly on my way to find a bomb disposal expert, but suddenly it’s exploded in my face. It’s all very well Stu taking Jane back to our flat, but I thought I was going home for the weekend, so I cancelled my hotel. Oh, I suppose there’s a Hilton just round the corner from the station. That’ll have to do”

“I don’t see how this wife swop is going to work if you check into a hotel without dad. And then, how would I get home?”

“Lucy! Its not a wife swop! I didn’t know about this. And now I’m homeless, and all you can do is make fun of me.”

Lucy ‘s face dropped, mortified that Carole was now so close to tears

“Carole!” she touched her forearm “I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean to upset you. I was trying to .. to lighten it so maybe we didn’t all just start crying. Please Carole?”

“Look, Lucinda. Me and Carole didn’t know about this. But. I can see where the coincidences lead you. You see, Carole, Lucinda tends to concentrate on working things out from first principles through logic. And that, occasionally, leads to some interesting conclusions”

Lucy nodded and Drew continued “Anyway, Carole, you should come back with us and stay at our house at least till Monday while we decide what to do and you can check back in to your hotel. I think it would help, because we’re all in this together”

“Oh, Andrew, I can’t do that. Apart from anything else it would add one more element to Lucy’s logic train. And it might be seen as prejudicing the report which I still have to finish”

“But we’re meant to be working closely together on that report”

“I didn’t think it was supposed to be that close!”

“Ok. So have you got any better ideas? It’s gone 9. We won’t be back till nearly 11. Or you can see if the Hilton has any rooms”

Carole phoned the hotel and announced it was full up.

“Our house then. We’re not scratching around all over Birmingham for a spare room, when we know where there is one, or even two!”

“Please come, Carole. Or I’ll feel bad I’ve upset you, then abandoned you, homeless, in the city centre, and then anything might happen to you!”

Carole managed to break a thin smile “Ok. And Thankyou”

“You sit in the front” said Lucy “and I’ll sit in the back. I might just even fall asleep. Maybe when I wake up it’ll all be a bad dream”

Traffic was unexpectedly heavy, and Andrew had to concentrate on driving while Carole had time to reflect. Stu had always been a direct sort of character, and something like this should have been expected. Sure, there was a foregone conclusion, but it was typical of Stu to jump the gun to his own advantage. Now he was the big boy. He was the dominant. He had planned this and left everyone else floundering with no choice. Yes, she was better off without him, but it was still hard when the end actually came. Or maybe Drew was in on the plan and it was only her and the girls that didn’t know. She glanced across at him. Was he the kind of guy who’d do a deal like that? ‘Sure, Stu. I’ll take her off your hands. Straight swap. Ok?’. No, Even in the short time she’d known him. Stu would do something like that. Andrew wouldn’t. 
 
 South of Worcester the traffic cleared a bit and they made better progress. Conversation was still absent, neither of them wanting to get into a serious discussion until they'd had a chance to sort out their own head. And Lucinda didn’t wake up until they stopped in the driveway
“Are you going to forgive me” opened Lucy
“Of course I have. You were only trying to help everyone cope with the initial shock”
“Are you going straight to bed”
“No, I think I'll finish my English homework now I've had a nap”
“Ok well first you can show Carole into the living room and maybe get her a drink while I make sure the spare room is in a suitable state”
Ok thought Lucy. Now if Lisa was here she'd say a suitable state was a complete mess and that way Carole would have to share dad’s room, but she wasn't Lisa, and she didn't know how Lisa ever managed to say these things and still keep her head attached to her body. And she also knew she couldn’t get away with it like Lisa did.
“And can you pour me a scotch” came the call from the top of the stairs
“It's a lovely house” said Carole as she sat down on the settee.
“Yes. I just hope we're able to keep it through the inevitable divorce. But I don't want to think about that because it makes my head hurt trying to work it all out. I just don't have enough facts”
“Lucy, I don't think any of us do”
 
Lucy was stuck on question 6. She finished the rest of the paper and decided to brave the living room. After all, there wasn't anything between dad and Carole, so there wouldn't be anything to interrupt, would there?
She pushed open the living room door. They were both on the settee but far enough apart not to be suspicious
“Hi. I'm a bit stuck dad. Do you think you'd be able to help me?”
“It's a bit late!” he snapped, but then immediately mellowed out remembering that they were all on edge, not just him. And not only was Lucinda the only thing of any value he had left, she would be depending on him now “Bring it over” he smiled “Not my best subject, but I'll try. At least it will get us concentrating on something else.”
Lucy read the question on sub themes in her set book.
“I don't suppose there's a text book to go with this?” asked Andrew
“Yes, but honestly. It's pretty much incomprehensible. I think that’s why I’m stuck”
“Could you read the question again for me” asked Carole joining in.

She nodded and thought for a moment. Then she went on to explain the narrative, the time differences between scenes and characters and a dozen other elements of dividing and analysing the exact significance of the frequency that certain words were used. Lucy snuggled up in between them asking just enough questions to keep her talking, and listened, spellbound until she eventually stopped

“I think that’s about everything I know about it. I think I answered the question somewhere in there. Oh dear! I do hope I haven't waffled on too much.”
“Not at all” said Lucy enthusiastically “it's fascinating”
“Have I earned my lodgings for tonight then?”
“I would say doing Lucinda's homework like that more than covers it”
 
Next morning Drew was up first.
“No Carole?” asked Lucy
“Not yet”
“Maybe I should take her a cup of tea, and make sure she's all right”
“Like a good hostess” added Drew
“Oh thank you Lucy. Yes I'm ok. Except. .. Oh you haven't got a spare towel have you, I could desperately use a shower”
“I guess dad didn't put one out” she said returning a moment later “if you need any more, they're in the cupboard on the landing. Come down for breakfast anytime you like”
“Oh, don't wait for me. I'll be a least half an hour. I take a while to get moving in the morning”
“I'm sure dad won't wait, but I will. Sometimes I feel I have to wait for my tummy to wake up before eating in the morning”

The plan for the day was there was no plan. But there was a National Trust open day that afternoon with craft demonstrations and a chance to try things out. It hardly went to plan being declared by all that it was a decided failure. Everyone had had fun so it wasn't a disaster. Lucy nearly took out a pigeon with her way too high crossbow shot. Carole managed to tip a whole pot of red paint down her jeans, and Drew brought up a large bruise on his thumb with a hammer while making a nesting box.
But they were all laughing together about it and that was more fun than Lucy had had with her own family for a long time. These old houses were not really Lucy's thing, but today was an exception. She overheard some of the discussion about Carole's report on the walk back. The problem seemed to be that the company was very efficient so there were no spare people to do big new projects. Where do you find time, asked Drew, to organise this takeover when everyone is working flat out doing their existing day job.
It's not that common a problem Carole had said. Mostly companies have some spare capacity. The trouble then is that the spare people are not the best qualified or suited to do big new critical projects. If they were, they would already be fully occupied. Yes, he’d replied , like in my company…..

It all sounded so much more interesting than going to school.

But Drew hadn’t planned on cooking for Lucinda and Carole and wasn’t confident about what was in the fridge at home. Which was all the excuse that was needed to round off the day on a more upbeat note in a town centre steak house before the three of them drove ‘home’.

“Daddy, can I go to Craig's for dinner tomorrow?”
“Have you been invited?”
“Not yet, but when I phone him he'll invite me. I was just checking ahead of the event”

Drew pushed his glasses back. “Lucinda, I’d like to see if we could have a chat tomorrow evening. We both may have had time for the shock to sink in and I want to know what you think. I’ve no problem at all with you going to Craig’s, but could you make it not tomorrow?”

“Sure, dad. I’ll see him at school tomorrow anyway, And it might not be convenient for his family. Will Carole be here as well?”

“I don’t know. We agreed she should stay till Monday so that she wasn’t under pressure to find a hotel over the weekend. But we haven’t discussed anything beyond tomorrow”

“I assumed she would be staying”

“Do you want her to?”

“Sorry! I missed that. Is it me that you want to do something?”

“Hi Carole. Well, maybe now is a good time for the discussion”
 “What discussion”

“Whether you stay here or if you go and live in a hotel like you have been”

“I can’t just stay here! I..”

“Why not?”

“It’s your home, not mine”

“Yes, but we have spare space here, and I’m concerned that you might find it depressing alone in a hotel room. Hotels are good – so long as you have a home to go to as well”

“Yes, that’s true. But what does Lucy think?”

“Me? It’s nothing to do with me. It’s up to you two. I’m just a spectator in this game of life”

“Oh Lucy, this is your home too”

“Yes, well I wasn’t thinking of moving out. I don’t have anywhere else to go!.. .. Oh, daddy. I didn’t know the world could change this much overnight. And poor Carole. Oh Carole! You’ve not got a home to go to anymore. So you have to stay here because everyone needs a home. I don’t understand how Stuart can do this. And mother! How can she do something like this. I never want to see her ever again”

Andrew folded his arms around her. Oh! My poor little girl

Lucy turned her tearstained face to Carole “you should stay here. You haven’t got another home”

Drew noticed that Carole’s eyes were also misting up “Lucy, that’s really thoughtful and kind of you. And I must admit the thought of evenings alone in a hotel doesn’t really appeal right now. So maybe I could stay for a few days.”

“So is Craig your boyfriend, Lucy” she asked changing the subject.
“Kind of. He's a boy and he's my best friend, except maybe for Susan”
“Sounds like a boyfriend to me. Have you been together long?”

“Yes” she said vaguely “But we just like to walk home from school together”

“Don’t you see him apart from that”

“Sometimes, Carole, but we don't do a lot of the things some of the boys and girls do when they're going out together. But we might go to the cinema on Saturday”
“Oh dear” Carole sounded disappointed “is he not very keen on you?”
“Oh yes, yes he is. At least I think so! It's not him. It's me. I just don't feel old enough yet, if you know what I mean”
Carole sat down to be at her level
“Yes.. .. I do. Its just I remember all the things I used to get up to at your age. And some of them I must admit I wish I hadn't”
“Bit of a terror, were you?” said Drew suddenly reappearing
“Not exactly terror, more, well, adventurous”
“I think I prefer to know what I'm getting into. And the implications. I don't think I do stress very well. Are you going to tell me what you used to get up to?”
“I think you ought to be careful doing that” joined Drew “I don't want Lucinda to get too many ideas. I'd rather you weren't a bad influence on her”
“Maybe” she whispered “We’ll just not tell your dad”

Monday morning and Lucy was withdrawn and quiet on the way to school. And nearly as much on the way home. She’d said almost nothing in Chemistry, and Craig got the impression from somewhere that his best bet was just keeping quiet and letting her know he was there for her by holding her hand.

“How was dinner?” he asked eventually. Considering the mystery surrounding it the previous week he was surprised that she hadn’t volunteered anything about it. But she didn’t answer. Instead she moved on

“What did you do on Saturday? Were you able to change the plan you set up for us”

“No, unfortunately they weren’t offering refunds. So I went anyway”

“What, on your own”
 “Nooo…”he said evasively

“Oh my! Who did you go with”

“I… I … I went with someone else…”

She stopped walking, largely because of the guilt in his voice. This can’t be true! 

“You went with another girl? Craig!”
 “Well, you weren’t here…”

“So who was it? Was it someone I know?”

“Em, Yeah”

“Oh no. Not Maxine. Please tell me it wasn’t Maxine”

“No, Lucy it wasn’t Maxine”

“Nina. Oh no, not Nina surely”

“What! Miss water melon. Give me some credit!”

But suddenly an even worse thought occurred to her “oh no – you didn’t invite Susie did you? Craig, surely not my best friend!”

“No. Although I do think Susie’s a whole load cuter than the girl I did go with”

“Craig, why are we walking home together when you want to go out with someone else. And someone I know as well!”
 “Because I don’t want to go out with her. I only want to go out with you. But the tickets were quite expensive. I got them especially for you, and I didn’t want to waste them. So I asked …. Lisa to come with me”

“Lisa! Lisa! Craig! What are you trying to do to me! Give me a heart attack?” she threw hers arms round him and nearly squeezed the life out of him

“Lucy. If that’s the reaction I’m going to get, I’m going to wind you up every day”

The thump on his arm actually hurt and later he checked out the bruise. But it was only what he deserved

“Anyway, you didn’t tell me yet how dinner went “

She stopped walking again “Craig. The food was lovely. The evening was a complete disaster. An absolute, unmitigated and total nightmare”
“Lucy. You know you can tell me about it”he hazarded “You ought to. A problem shared and all that. But you have to tell me?”
“I will” she teased sounding a lot brighter than he had expected “but not now. Actually, what I really want to do is to tell you at dinner because I want everyone's advice”

“Well, you can come right now. I’m sure mum can stretch whatever it is to include you”

“No, Craig, not now. I need to talk to my dad tonight. I think it could be interesting”
 “I didn’t think you talked to him much”

“Yes, that’s right. I didn’t used to but its been getting better recently. That’s one reason I think it might be interesting.. .. or it could just be another disaster”

“Ok, tomorrow. I’ll tell mum this evening and we can go straight over after school “

 “I do hope they don’t think I’m intruding, or taking advantage, but what I’d like to do is tap into your families ‘knights of the round table’ approach”

“It won’t be a problem, Lucy, really it won’t”.

 It was late that evening when Lucy popped into the living room. Drew’s attempt at cooking had been passable, and now all three of them seemed to have calmed down and almost accepted the situation.
“What do you think about mummy leaving like this” Andrew had asked rather carelessly and the question took Lucy off guard. This must be the conversation that he had said he wanted to have with her. She plonked herself on the armchair facing the settee where her father and Carole were sitting, this time, she noted, a bit closer together.
“Lucinda, what would you say if I suggested that Carole stayed here a few more days?”
She shrugged, rather rudely
“I'll take that as ambivalent agreement” replied Drew crossly
“Whatever. It's not really anything to do with me. I just live here. At least until someone just rocks in out of the blue and turfs me out”

But Carole picked up the thread
“You know, Lucy it is to do with you. Its all to do with you”
“No. It's not Carole. Look. You get born and naturally you have a mother. She might be good or she might be bad. Then maybe you change your mum for whatever reason. She might leave or you get moved on. As a kid it's not your choice. And the replacement may be better or may be worse or maybe just different. But you don't have a choice about any of it. You just make the best of what you've got at the time. So no, Carole, I'm sorry, but it's got nothing to do with me because I am just a pawn in this game, not a player. All I can hope for is that at the end of it there’s some adult who cares enough about me to point me in the right direction because right now I’m still too young to know”
Carole was deflated. As always, she couldn't fault Lucy's logic, but it hurt all the same, although she wasn't sure why it should. She’d been about to break up with Stu anyway, but clearly Lucinda was thinking she might just take over from Jane as a seamless transition. Her speciality was seamless transitions during company takeovers, but this was different. She wasn’t ever meant to be personally centre stage.
 
 Dinner was served when Craig broke the idea.
Darren looked suddenly nervous, but Lisa was on form “sounds exciting” she started

“Maybe. We'll see. But what I’d like to do, if its ok with everyone, is to wait until after main course”

“Is that just to increase the suspense” asked Suzanne innocently trying to make sure the atmosphere stayed as light as possible

“No, its because I don't want Lisa's dinner falling out of her mouth when her jaw drops open”
Darren laughed out loud. It wasn't often that someone out-teased Lisa, but Craig was more concerned. This must be something serious, partly because Lucy wanted to bring it to their table, and partly because she was joking about it. And now he felt sad sorry and guilty about winding her up about his Saturday date. He collected the plates, as all eyes turned to Lucy

“It’s all over to you Lucy” said Darren with anticipation. She smiled and nervously bit her lower lip.
“I want to tell you a story. A story of what happened last Saturday. Then I'm hoping you will be able to tell me what, if anything, I should do”

“Maybe I should put the pudding on hold” said Suzanne “then maybe we can take that as we think about it, whatever it is”

“Once upon a time” started Lucy “there was a family of four. Father Andrew, his wife Jane, Cordelia and Lucinda. Due to a big project at work, Andrew called in some consultants, and the consultant that was to take the work was called Carole. One afternoon, Carole's husband, called Stuart, was meeting her from work, and at the same time Jane was meeting Andrew. Naturally, everyone was introduced to each other, but it turned out that two of them knew each other already. Jane had known Stuart at school. A few weeks later, the happy six decided to have dinner together. This was arranged for Birmingham because that was where both Stuart and Carole lived, and was easier for Cordelia to get to from Durham Uni. Are you all with me? It was an up-market restaurant, the food was great and the event was going quite well, although there were a couple of things that were not quite right. The travel arrangements had become very complicated. Jane had some business in Birmingham earlier that day, and Carole was working in Bridgwater. I didn’t place enough significance on it at the time, but Cordelia and me got there first, and then we saw Stuart turn up with Jane, and then Carole had travelled up with Andrew. Anyway, straight after main course, Stuart leaned across the table and told everyone that he and Jane were moving in together in his flat in Birmingham, starting right then. They were skipping pudding to move in immediately. Carole was speechless,  Della went ape, and burst into tears, and then left and took her train back to Durham and dad just stayed quiet. He does that when he is so surprised he needs time to consider his position. He’s very good at controlling knee jerk reactions. Anyway, Carole now had nowhere to live so she came home with us, and she's still there. And I'm here. And I’m not sure how to react”

She stopped and looked around the table. Everyone was either polite enough or stunned enough to let her finish “Look! I told you Lisa's food would fall on the table”
 But despite that, she was first to comment.
“Oh “she said “that means you can tell Della that you've rented her room out to a lodger
“Lisa! She'd go postal”
“Exactly!”
“Lisa, do you have any ambition in life apart from to wind everyone up?”
“No, I don’t think so. Wait. I wonder if you can do a degree in wind up. After all it should be easy, it should run like clockwork!”

Darren opened for the more serious discussion “you seem to be taking it very calmly, at least so far”

“I suppose so. I was thinking about that myself. And I think it’s this: When you find that something you thought was rock solid was actually quite fragile it’s a huge shock and you, like, freak out or fall apart, or whatever it was I did before. But when you find that something you now know is fragile falls apart, it’s not such a big deal. Its almost expected”

“Well Lucy, it’s a hard one. But to be honest, I don’t think there’s much you can do. You can shout and scream and make a huge fuss, but the effectiveness of that depends on who you direct it at. So what about your dad? Is he ok?”

“He seems ok so far”

“So it depends on what you want to achieve. If you desperately want your mum to come back, you would have to talk to her, on the phone, or better, go to Birmingham.”

“But I’m not sure I do. She’s been spending more and more time away”

She frowned and squinted although it didn't help her to think “Jane was getting more distant all the time. I think we used to be quite close, but after the.. Oh I mean, the weekend, the one after Dell went ballistic, it's been going downhill since then. And her actions made Carole homeless. Lisa, imagine that Suzanne came home one evening and told you and Craig that she’d found two kids she preferred at Barnardos, and they were moving in that night and you had to go. I mean it’s unbelievable that anyone can behave like that”

“I think, me and Craig are fairly safe on that count, but Dad! Well! Maybe he’d better watch out, now we’ve got the idea and the precedent”

“Well, maybe. But I’m not sure I want to know people like that”

“Your analogy really brings it home” added Suzanne “You have to think that there may be something else wrong. I mean some medical condition or something”

“But there’s even less I could do about that”
 “You see, the way I made it add up is that it's just a simple wife swap.”
 “Are wife swaps simple”
 “Only if they're the same size and can wear each other's clothes!”
 “Lisa! Do you ever take anything seriously?”
 “I hope not. Mum, is it right you tried this, but couldn't find another wife to take dad on?”
 “you see…”Lucy continued undaunted, but actually rather relieved that Lisa could continue to make light of the situation to prevent it becoming miserable “…Jane and Stuart turned up together and then left together, and ditto dad and Carole. Conveniently, Carole even had her suitcase with her because she'd checked out of her hotel that morning. The only issue was that Carole was really upset. What she said was it was like she'd been quietly on the way to do a controlled explosion, and suddenly the bomb went off in her face. So that bit confuses me”
 “What's Carole like. Is she nice”
 “Oh yes, seems very pleasant. Different. She's a little shorter than Jane, and a size bigger, and all her clothes are designer, you know Louis Vuitton handbag costing five hundred pounds. That sort of thing”
 “Did your mum say she'd phone?”
 “Jane. She will now be known as Jane because that's her name. And no, she didn’t. She's just gone. But it might not be all bad. I think dad’s angle is that without Jane, he can move in the direction he wants to go. But he has also said that, what with Della in Durham, and no Jane, I am now his number one priority, which is good in some ways”

“Lucy, you said you were looking for advice. And the great thing with advice is you don’t have to take it. But I think you need to stick to your dad. It means you have a safe home. Your alternative is to track down your mu... Jane, and living with her sounds very precarious. The world moves on in unpredictable directions and sometimes you just have to accept things the way they are and try to make the most of it”

“That’s sort of where I got to, but it’s going to be very different. And hard”

“Well, that’s somewhere we can help isn’t it. We’re always here to help you”

“Yes, like, if you did decide to go to Birmingham, and I’m not saying you should, I’m quite happy to drive you up there. If your dad doesn’t want to go, that is”

“And you’re welcome here any time you like”

Dinner, Carole?

But while Lucy had planned to go to Craig’s, Andrew had set up something else entirely

He had been looking for her since mid-morning and now in the early afternoon was still surprised to bump into her in the top corridor. Carole looked around furtively as he approached, and, seeing no one else was there she squeezed his hand as they met. Her eyes widened as she smiled ‘hi’.

“This evening” began Andrew 

“Yes, I was thinking about that”

“Yes, I know you’re used to eating out all the time”

“Yes, I’ve eaten in a restaurant nearly every day for the last five years!”

“Yes. But its kind of difficult to invite you round for dinner when you are actually living there, but then I don’t think going out for dinner is very special if you do it every day”

“Depends who you’re with”

“Yes, anyway, I thought you might like it if I cooked dinner for you”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because you’ve hardly sampled my cooking. However Lucinda is going to Craig’s for dinner, so there’ll only be two of us.”

She looked more questioningly as he continued “So I was thinking rather than just a spag bol slurped on a plate, I’d do something a bit more special. What I mean is, a bit more romantic”

He waited for her reaction. It’s a long time since he asked a girl for a date, and this was harder because of the situation. And the fact they knew the down side of recent events without knowing very much about each other 

“I just thought maybe a quiet evening together, and we could get to…”she put a finger up to his lips “Sshhh. I’d love to. 7? It can’t be too late or we won’t be finished before Lucy gets back”

“So I need to be out quite early, do you want an early lift home, say 4.30?”

“Probably best. I can work on the final edit at home better than I can here anyway”

Andrew hadn’t done much cooking recently. Jane’s justification was that she looked after the children, and doing all the cooking was her line of proof, but the techniques were coming back to him. He knew he’d done all this before. He just needed to remember how.

Time flew as he did the prep, got the pork into the oven,  set the table, found two tall candles and got changed from his business suit. In the meantime Carole tried to concentrate on the report. It was getting there, but her mind kept drifting away, and as Andrew said later at dinner, your life is now an open book. Write what you like, or just scribble away.

But as 6.30 approached, she changed out of her work clothes and into a casual dress, and then again into a smarter skirt and top. What impression did she want to give? He certainly seemed keen on treating this like a date. He’d already said that; and she’d accepted it. And she’d been looking forward to it, and still was. But she was a free-ish woman, and she knew his circumstances as probably soon to be single again. So where was the problem? 

She went down to the dining room just before 7. He’d dimmed the lights and lit the candles. Everything seemed thoughtfully done. Two chairs only at the table, with the others pushed back against the wall, candles at the ends of the table so they could see each other across the centre. She tried to think back to the last home dinner date she’d been on, but decided as she regressed that she’d rather not remember most of what was now churning through her mind. She drifted through to the kitchen and Drew immediately handed her a glass of wine.

“I quite like cooking with wine. Sometimes its even part of the recipe”

She found herself standing very close to him and she also found her heart was racing, You weren’t expecting to feel like this, calm down she told herself because if you don’t it could turn out to be one devil of a night.

“Come on” he urged her back towards the table “dinner time”

[cue tracks from Le Liste by Rose]

Carole was enchanted. The prawn and crab starter was delightful, and, as Andrew plated the pork with lemongrass sauce, she reflected that even at the age of 42 she had never experienced something like this. Of course she’d been out to dinner, even to some of the finest restaurants in the world, and she’d been to dinner parties, and to some where a private chef had been employed just for the occasion. But never with someone who had taken the trouble to do this all by himself, and just for her. And then as an added surprise she suddenly realised that the soft melodic music in the background was so nonintrusive because it was all in French.

Dessert was light, slightly sharp, sweet, fluffy, refreshing and lime. The lime theme continued to the after dinner gin and tonic and with that on top of the wine, Carole was feeling decided mellow. She took the remains of her wine and slumped down on the settee next to him 

“That was nothing short of wonderful. I can’t believe you did all that just for me.”

“I was thinking I wanted to get to know you better”

“You were? You mean you’re not anymore?”

“No, I mean I don’t know you at all. But I‘m also thinking maybe I only want to know where you’re going, not so much where you’ve been. In the circumstances, that’s a tall order, but do you have any plans for the future. I mean, you knew this was coming?”

Carole snuggled into him a bit more “No Andrew, I didn’t know this was coming. I didn’t know me and Stu would end so abruptly, or on that day. I didn’t know he’d turf me out of his flat without notice, and I didn’t know I’d meet you”

“But now you’re a free agent. You could go anywhere in the world. Maybe take an overseas assignment for a couple of years?”

“I need to think about it a bit. Its all still so new. Maybe I’m still in shock. But its funny, when I had a stable home I wanted to travel the world. Now I have no ties, all I want is a safe home”

“That sounds about right. There’s only so much uncertainty that you can take. So its excitement when you can always go home if it doesn’t work out, but the priority is to make a safe base if you haven’t got one”

She leaned her head back to look round at him better. She desperately just wanted him to cuddle her. It was so relaxing, so calm. With Stuart, the conversations were invariably short, sharp and pointed. He was well practiced in telling her exactly what they wanted to do. Decision made, it was go and do it. In complete contrast here, the tones were quiet, the music soft French ballads, not Stu’s jarring thrash metal rock. And Andrew wanted to know what she wanted. Stu was only about what they - no make that he - wanted 

“More gin?”

“No thanks, still got some. Hey! You’re not trying to get me drunk are you?” she laughed sitting up straight suddenly realising she’d slipped down at an angle resting on him”

“Not at all. Whatever I do I want to do it with someone who contributes their part, not do it to someone who makes no contribution. And that’s the same whether its because they don’t want to or because they’re drunk”

 “And that means getting drunk together, not independently”

“Sounds very philosophical”

She fell back to resting on him

 “Its more comfortable down here” she said by way of explanation, though none was needed. He slipped his arm round her waist, and a wider contentment spread through her as now she was getting the more intimate response she had wanted.

“So do you have some plans for your future, although this must have been more of a shock to you than it was for me”

“Kind of. But I have more constraints than you”

“You mean your daughters?”
 “Yes, particularly Lucinda. Cordelia can look after herself, even though she doesn’t want to. Lucinda is a different matter. I’m not very close to either of them and its my fault. I’ve always spent extra time at work but increasingly over the last nine months”

“Did you need to?”

“No, I just didn’t want to come home and see Jane. Anyway, I need to redress that with Lucinda. Its too late for Cordelia, but I must try to get up to see her every couple of weeks, though I doubt if she’ll appreciate it.”

“So the girls are your priority”

“No, they just need to be considered in the plan”

“Ah so there’s a bigger plan”

It all sounded de ja vue as he remembered back to shouting this at Jane nearly a year ago.

“Maybe its not a plan, but I do know what I want”

The wriggling Carole had been doing to get even closer and more comfortable had separated her top from her skirt, and Andrew slipped his hand onto her tummy

“you’ve got beautifully soft skin”

She put her hand on his, just to confirm it was ok

“Knowing what you want is usually a good start” she hinted

“What I want? What I want is a god job that pays enough, but gives me enough time for Lucinda. I want to go on relaxing holidays to warm beautiful places. I want to create shared memories with someone that wants to be with me. I want to go out to nice restaurants with someone who is pretty and looks after their appearance and wears nice clothes because they want to, not just because I want them to.

I want to be with someone I can be proud of and is proud of me. And at the end of the day, I want to go home to a nice house and go to bed.. .. with someone who wants to go to bed with me”

 His quiet voice tailed off a little towards the end as Carole turned to him with tears in her eyes. She buried her face in his shirt “That’s so beautiful”

“I guess I’m half way there” he continued softly “I’ve got Lucinda. I’ve got the job and I’ve got the house. Just need someone to share it all with”

Cue You and I by Tarja

He bent his head forward and they met in a kiss that caught Carole by surprise, not least because she wanted it to go on forever. This wasn’t the way for forty somethings to behave. This was teenage dream stuff that she just didn’t want to end.. But it had been so long since she’d felt like this about anyone, and even if she didn’t make it with Andrew, she was sure now that she would never go back to Stuart or anyone like him. She broke off  

“Maybe you could let me try to do all that” hoping she hadn’t said too much too early just as she heard the front door shut with a clunk.

Lucinda appeared through the doorway as Carole tried to sit up quickly. 

“Well, you too look like you’re having a good evening” she smirked

“Your dad cooked a wonderful meal, and we’ve had a delightfully quiet evening together”

 “What about you” asked Andrew “Did you tell them what has happened?”

Lucy nodded “Its only fair dad. And it means they’ll understand if I get a little quiet or upset. Oh dear! You’re not cross, are you?”

“No, not at all.” he said softly “Starting now, I’m going to make sure I look after you a whole lot better than I have done. But a bit of help from Craig and his family will be welcome as well”

 “Yes. They’re really nice people. And Lisa is so funny. I don’t know how she gets away with some of the things she says. You know. there isn’t a subject or situation that she can’t find something funny to say”. 

They were sitting slightly apart now, and Andrew patted the settee space for Lucy to wiggle her way in between them.

 “Actually, I’m doing all right so far, but thankyou dad.

“I’ll help too” offered Carole

Thankyou Carole, But oh! Do you want me to call you Carole, or can I call you mum?”

“Oh, Lucy. I think it’s a bit early for mum. Carole would be just fine.”

“Oh, Ok, But what I really wanted was a mum”

Carole turned to her, very aware that Andrew was also sitting next to her

 “Lucy, I’d love you to call me mum, but I’m not sure it’s in Andrews plan. Anyway, you’ve still got your mum”

“No Carole, I haven’t. And I haven’t had for a long time. Jane has the empathy of a medium sized volcano, and you can’t be a real mum behaving like that.. .. But dad’s got a plan, then? Do I figure in it?”

“Figure in it! You’re central to it. It’s built round you”

“I thought it would be built around you”

“No, I’m still a free agent I’m dispensable and replaceable. But Lucy, you’re not”

They folded their arms around each other with tears in their eyes, then held on to each other just as tightly as she’d held Andrew only an hour ago

“Do you want a gin” Andrew asked Lucy “I’ll get you a small one. I think its important you try these things, and you’re old enough. Of course Jane would never approve, but then…”

“Its funny Lucy. I’ve never been happier in my life than with you and Andrew, and I’ve cried more since I met you than I have in the whole of the rest of my life”

“What’s up with you two?” questioned Andrew as he returned with the glass

“Mum’s just having an emotional meltdown”

Andrew was taken aback by the address, but let it pass. After all, maybe it was a pointer in the right direction.

“Sip it” Andrew warned

Lucy tried it and screwed her face up. Then tried again. 

“Maybe its an acquired taste” she offered “that I’ll try to acquire”

“Its also known as ‘mothers ruin’” added Carole

“True” conceded Andrew “but you’re not a mother, at least not yet, so you’ll be fine”

“That’s Lisa’s kind of humour”

“I’m glad I’m following in accepted footsteps”

The mood between them was so much lighter, so much more anticipating fun rather than the impending doom with Jane

“And what did Lisa have to say about our.. .. situation?”

“Lisa!. I told them that Carole was staying with us for a few days so she said it gave me the chance to phone Cordelia to tell her we’d rented out her room to a lodger”

They all laughed

“But, I suppose you won’t be needing the spare room much longer”

“And what’s that meant to mean” asked Andrew

“And what sort of woman do you think I am?”

Lucy’s face fell “Sorry. I was thinking you were my mum for a moment. But what sort? I think you’re very pretty and very vulnerable .. and looking .. .. for security… ..  Just… just like me…”

She broke down in tears again and covered her face with her hands. Two arms folded around her, one soft and reassuring, the other strong and secure.

“Lucy, we’ll get through this together. We’ll include Carole as well, but she has to make her own mind up, she’s upset too and no-one should make any commitment until they sort themselves out”

“Ok Daddy. I guess I’m just not as good at Lisa’s humour as she is. The difference is, she gets away with it”

“Come on, you, bedtime. I’ll bring you a warm towel in the morning”
 “Daddy, you haven’t done that since I was 11”

“Well maybe I need to bring two for the next four years to catch up”

“Maybe I’ll just bring one as well” smiled Carole

“I’ll come up and give you a kiss in a minute”

“G’night mum”

Andrew finished loading the dishwasher and went up to Lucy. He sat on the edge of her bed

“I’m a bad dad. But I’ll start to make it up to you. Promise”

He heard Carole in her room, “Night Carole” he called and made ready for bed. He’d only just crawled in, beginning to think maybe he had drunk too much when Carole slipped through the door. She was wearing a silk babydoll nighty 

“This was part of what you wanted as well, wasn’t it?”

They curled up together. And promptly fell asleep.

Shopping with Carole

The week wandered on. Jane hadn’t been around much before, and wasn’t here now. Della was in Durham as expected. Carole was here instead of her hotel, and at the very least it made the place feel lived in

“Are you going out with Craig again on Saturday?”
 “Yes daddy. We’ve managed to get some tickets”

“Is this something special?” asked Carole

“Going out with Craig is special to me” she replied sheepishly taking the question more seriously than Carole expected

“How would you like to go shopping with me on Thursday? Its late opening”

“Ok” agreed Drew “I’ll expect some damage to my credit card. But, Lucy, I don’t want it shredded!”

This was all new for her. She remembered going to buy a party dress with Jane and coming home with something decidedly drab. Drew had bought her some nice clothes over the years, but this was different. She had a special occasion in mind , or at least, Saturday night with Craig. And she had a personal shopper to go with her. Someone who already knew her way around the designer brands. 

Friday evening was different too. She spent the early evening trying to cook something for dinner from her limited repertoire. And Carole’s main contribution seemed to be to make off the wall  comments that had both of them giggling while Drew was at a work dinner

“They’re discussing the takeover” admitted Carole “I thought I’d be invited to answer any questions that weren’t explained in the report, but it seems not”
 “That means the report must have been so good you weren’t needed”

And that kind comment was enough to persuade Carole to offer to show Lucinda how to do her hair properly. 

But Saturday, Carole was on her own. She’d heard that Stuart was away on business and she knew from experience that he’d make the most of being wherever it was that his company had sent him. And that meant he wouldn’t be at home. And that meant she could go and collect her stuff, not that there was much of it. She’d never hoarded things. She had a limited wardrobe even though she kept buying new clothes because she continually donated her old ones to charity shops. She sat back in her car on the drive north. She loved her car. It was the most expensive thing she’d ever bought. She tended to live in hotels and while her company only expected to pay for 4 or maybe 5 nights per week, she often made a deal with the hotel to get the other two or three at a reduced rate due to the continuity. Stuart’s flat had been home for her. But really, she didn’t have a home. She’d never had a home of her own. She’d had her own room in her parents house growing up, and her own room in Halls when she was at Uni and her own room in the hotels she stayed in in every city of the world. But she’d never had her own place. Not her own flat, her own house or even her own caravan. She’d never owned anywhere that she could cook for herself. Entertaining had always been in a restaurant….

And now Drew. And his five bedroomed detached house with its manicured lawn and carefully tended flower beds. And Lucinda. Carole had never really slowed down enough to think about children of her own. Children! That would mean a house, and probably a husband and worse than all that – responsibility. They’d be relying on her. Her clients relied on her expertise and precision at work. Outside work was a reprieve from all that. And work was one assignment at a time, then move on – good, bad or indifferent. And Lucy would never be a daughter, she was already too old for that. She could become a friend, but there were less risky ways of getting young friends than to move in with their father. She wasn’t cut out to be a suburban housewife. She’d avoided all that through the most dangerous period after leaving uni. No. She was a nomad. She was a nomad by choice. She had enough money in a bank somewhere to buy a house outright, even in a more expensive area. But she loved her work and the lifestyle she’d now got used to. Ok, so she’d liked sleeping with Drew, but she admitted to herself, she’d liked sleeping with quite a few of her clients

There was the possibility of an assignment in Barcelona and by the time she’d put her box of photographs in the boot and the rest of her clothes in the back of the car, she’d decided that was her preferred option. Drew was nice. The house was nice. She’d quite happily accept another dinner invitation from him, and stay the night if that was on offer too! But no, she wasn’t in any real danger of settling down and when her assignment with Eric was completed, she’d move on, just like she had from every other assignment. She stopped on the way back for something to eat and watched the families and couples come and go. But she was self-sufficient. She had that self-confidence and she didn’t need any passengers as encumbrance. She’d be back at Drew’s by mid evening, but it wasn’t going home. 

 Lucy to Cindy
 It was early Saturday evening when Craig rang the bell. Lucinda had always been ready on time before, but now? Maybe this was the exception that proved the rule. Darren was tonight’s taxi driver and was right behind him, having inferred from the delay that there might be a problem
 “Hello, Craig. Come in a moment. She's been getting ready for ages. Don't know what she needs to do”
 “Lucinda! Prince charming at the door! Darren, how are you? We must fit in a round of golf sometime soon eh?”
 “Love to, but I'm pretty useless really”
 “No matter, it's the walk and the company that counts”
 “It's all right you saying so when you play off 8,..”but the conversation was interrupted as Lucinda appeared down the stairs. Craig was dumbstruck. The usual black-ish pencil skirt and pastel top had gone and here we had a sculpted, patterned mini dress in shimmering violet, matching shoes with a medium heel, wavy hair that tumbled all over her shoulders across the pastel coral chiffon scarf”
Craig flashed a glance around. “Wow. You always look gorgeous, but this is something else”
“Oh my goodness, Lucy. Is this really you?” asked Darren
“Well, it took a while, but it was worth the wait. This is what you were out doing on Thursday, yes?”
She nodded, the pearl drops in her eyes twinkling like a starlit sky.
“Well, I'm now even more seriously worried about the damage to my wallet. But if going shopping with Carole makes you look like a Barbie doll, I'm going to start calling you Cindy”
“Yeah” said Craig, still mesmerised “I'll go with that”
“Do you like it?” she asked Craig, with a swirl of her skirt
“Fabulous, unbelievable. and I’m lost for words”
“You'll be fighting off other blokes from all sides tonight” said Drew, bursting with pride that his little girl was finally taking an interest in growing up, well, dressing up at least.
“No he won't” she said taking the comment more seriously than it warranted “because we’re not going anywhere that you would find that sort of behaviour. We’re going to a classical concert by a string quintet not a soft rock disco”

Wow, thought Darren. That’s not what I expected

“Jeez, you two, are you going out, or are you just gonna stand there gawking at each other”
 “Come on guys. You'll miss the start and they won't let you in”

Dinner with Georgia

Monday again. No Jane. Cindy at school and some serious nervousness around the take-over, generating a suitable distraction. 

Deep thought was not the best activity while walking down the corridor. But there was something missing – maybe just something wrong, or not quite right. The meeting had gone well - Carole had perfectly summarised the commercial drivers and identified a number of additional risks. Yes, it was a good report. But…

“Oh! Sorry. Oh Georgia, I'm sorry. I was thinking about something. In fact I was actually thinking about you”

“Everything you need to think about Georgia is between her legs” came a muffled snigger from somewhere inside the room she'd just escaped from. She closed her eyes in embarrassment. Here she was walking straight into the second most important man in the company and some ejit makes lewd comments. 

Drew pushed at the open door and stepped inside looking stern 

“Comments like that are inappropriate in this office. Take that as a warning”

“Sorry, Mr Telford” she apologised back in the corridor 

“Don't be sorry! It's not your fault. Anyway are you in a hurry? And before you ask, everything I was thinking about you is about what's between your ears”

She smiled sadly at him 

“No. I was just rushing to the loo before I get my coat. But I'll be back in a sec!”

Drew waited where he was, still pondering. 

“Do you know much about the takeover discussions? It's quite confidential. Did Carole involve you?”

“No, I agree, and no, Mr Telford. In that order”

“Hmmm. We need to talk about that”

Carole was still tidying her few things out of his office, and Georgia suggested that the Kings Schilling would be suitably quiet at this time of evening.  He explained the suggested takeover to her as they walked to the Schilling, but Georgia was looking increasingly concerned as they say down. Drew was increasingly surprised. Not only was she pretty, tactile, flirty and intelligent, but she also was able to explain in terms he understood, the various technical issues that a sudden increase in data volumes or number of users would give.

The clock had moved on to dinner time, but here was someone who understood the company issues, the solutions and the costs, and Drew had seldom learned so much in such a short time. 

“Could we continue this discussion over dinner? Did you have anything planned for this evening?”

She looked at him suspiciously, but he leant forward across the table

“Georgia, Its been wonderful just having a drink with you even though we talked about work most of the time. So informative, and it will be of immense value at the meeting tomorrow. But you also raised a number of points that I think would benefit from greater clarification. So, I’d like to continue this over dinner, then I will drive you back to your house without interruptions to make sure you get home ok. Then I want you to come to tomorrows ten o’clock meeting. There are so many major issues that you are familiar with that the Board has no concepts of. This was planned as a business meeting and I have no intention of even trying to take advantage of less senior members of staff”

“Oh wow! Thankyou Andrew. Its been lovely. And knowing I’m not at any risk makes it so much nicer – and quite unusual”

This was interesting. Eric clearly had some of the same issues at home as he did. His solution was to find a sugababe, even if she wasn’t fully committed to the idea. He reflected on his own solution – try to repair the damage, or if not, then find a new wife. Young female members of staff were not on his menu.

Back at the office, the meeting opened with a touch of frost

“Are you in the right meeting, Georgia?” opened Eric coldly. She was taken aback and wondered if she should vacate immediately

“Yes” replied Drew on her behalf “Carole’s completed her assignment now. It’s a pity she didn’t include Georgia in her interviews. She has raised a number of questions with me that we should consider. And if we’re not agreed that she can make an invaluable contribution, I wont invite her to the next one”

Oh Wow! Again. There’s an introduction I wont forget.

But the takeover was Eric’s baby, he was pushing the idea and most of the board were following.

“Yes” said Drew “like sheep”, while the issues Georgia was explaining only served to increase the trepidation.

Drew invited her to lunch after the meeting. It was a simple invitation But she also knew it would be largely work related, and this time she was looking forward to it knowing that she wasn’t under threat.

“Yes, unanimous agreement that you were invaluable. Which was the plan. But Georgia, those answers and the ensuing outbreak of reality have killed the takeover. Your proof that the financial projections were inaccurate and the retraining effort - even if it’s a guess at this stage - is the final nail in its coffin. It was Eric’s baby, and sorry, but he’s blaming you for the miscarriage”

“Well, maybe he can get back with whoever he conceived it with and start again. That might even get him off my back”

“Are you always that polite about your Managing Director?”
 “Oh m’gosh! You wont tell him will you?”

“Georgia. Whyever would I do a thing like that.?”

 Stirring up trouble between members of staff at whatever level was another thing that was simply not on his agenda

But taking her to dinner again would be wonderful light relief, and he was fairly confident she’d accept – if he asked the right question

Jane’s Disaster

In Birmingham, Jane was faring less well. Stuart’s rant was ringing in her ears, not just once but on loop, with echo 

‘I thought you were Fun!  fun fun fun fun……  Up for anything! ..thing thing thing. You’re Not … not not not not not. You’re  constrained. Conventional. Embarrassment ment ment ment ment. Burst into tears! We were all looking forward to this. And Paddy was wrong – there’s no problem . Just because you’re blubbing away is no reason not to get it on.

Well, you’re out. Get out out out out out. Take what will fit in your car car car car car and clear off off off off off. Right now now now now now. And don’t come back.

But she was in shock. How could a guy, any guy, expect his girlfriend to sleep with two of his friends as well. Was that normal in his circle? But it was completely off her radar. Doing it in public was off her radar. Doing it with three of them while the others watched was – unthinkable. Is this what he was about? Using her as some kind of bribe or bait for his dodgy commercial deals? Did Carole do this? Not that she really wanted to know.

But now she’d put her little case in the car, and two boxes and now she was just going to check if there was anything else that she’d missed in her haze. Probably was because she was so wound up. Disappointed, furious, degraded,…

But the door was shut. Locked. And the loud music inside would mean he’d never hear her anyway. Well, whatever it was she’d left behind, it would have to stay there. It can’t be that important.

She headed north and shivered herself to sleep in her car at the motorway services.

No job, no boyfriend, no flat. And everything else she’d worked for during the previous twenty years – yes that was all gone as well. How could he? She thought she could rely on him, but no. She was already upset for failing her probationary period and instead of sympathy and help he took advantage of her situation, her reduced consciousness and awareness and take her for a few drinks so that she could be the centre of the ultimate humiliation.

But now she was free again. Cumbria, the sign had said, and she was headed in only one direction – forward, not thinking of anything, not heading for anywhere.

Blue light. Blue light? Blue Light! Now alongside me. What? Waving at…me?  Slowing down? Stopped.

“In a hurry, ma-am?”
 “No. I’m not going anywhere”

“And the speed limit on an English Motorway is?”

“70?”

“And you were travelling at?”

She shrugged. She had no idea “70?”

“No, ma-am. Not 70. We clocked you at 94, and that was after you’d slowed down a bit”
 “Really? I had no idea”

His colleague produced a breathalyser, which she passed.

“Not been drinking this morning?”

“Not since last night”

“But you seem unusually distracted. Ma-am, your current condition is giving us a suspicion that you may be driving under the influence of narcotic substances. With your agreement we would like you to accompany us to the police station for farther tests”

“Am I under arrest?”

“No ma-am. You’re helping us with our inquiries”

The wpc at the station was in no way sympathetic. That is, until the results of the tests all proved negative, but Jane continued to show little concern for her situation and the wpc started to get concerned.

“I’m just distracted” Jane said “I lost my job, and then my boyfriend threw me out at midnight”

She nodded “But driving at nearly a hundred miles an hour without even noticing the blue lights behind you? That’s more of a due care and attention offence than just speeding”
 “Maybe I should just check into a hotel here and not go anywhere for a couple of days. Maybe I‘d be safer”

“I don’t know, Sarge. She’s suffering, I don’t want a ticket to push her over the edge”

“But we can’t have people tearing around at that speed – even on a quiet motorway”

“No, but if we just charge her with speeding, she’ll be back on the road in minutes. That can’t be right. She’s emotionally unstable. And she’s co-operative. Its unconventional, but her hotel option would give her time to get a grip. We don’t want to have to scrape her and a few others off the side of a bridge”

“Mrs Telford….”

Oh, what? Is that me? Oh yes, of course it is. In name if nothing else

“…You said you were going no-where in particular and that you might just stay in a local hotel for a couple of days…. You’re not over the limit and your drug tests are all negative, so if you do that, and promise me not to drive your car for two days, we’ll say no more about the incident on the motorway.”

“Can you recommend somewhere?”

“Yes. And I think we should drive you over there”

It was as good a place as any, wherever it was. She left her car keys in her pocket and walked down towards the river. Standing on the edge, she felt wobbly as she stared into the water watching it ripple against the banks and wondered what it would be like to feel it replacing the air in her lungs.

She returned to the hotel and then to the river the next day. She listened to the sound of young children on the swings in the park and watched the leaves on the trees swaying in the breeze. No-one spoke to her even though she spent hours sitting motionless on a bench and she hardly ate. She really didn’t feel like it – or drink, even just water. 

The next day her head was a little clearer. Clear enough in fact to contemplate the sea – and walking out into it and keeping walking. Or the river and floating in it face down, the chemist and whether she could buy enough pain killers to mix with the whisky she’d steal from the drunks by the kitchen door, the railway and maybe catching a passing train and the motorway bridge either off it or into it. Or maybe just not eat – ever. 

But her two days was up. There had been no compulsion, it wasn’t a court order, but it was a generous offer. And now she was free to go. Go where? Go anywhere. She’d always been free to go. Ever since forever she’d never been manacled in a dungeon. She’d chosen her job. She’d chosen to stay with Drew. She chose to go with Stuart, she chose….. everything she’d ever done was her choice and now look where she’d got to. She wasn’t even sure of that. But one thing was for sure – she didn’t belong here. 

I want to go home, she told the river – except I haven’t got one. But I’m not a wanderer. I like being in one place and sitting on my own settee and having friends and cooking dinner and….

The hotel hadn’t been cheap. She had no income. She’d got no redundancy. She didn’t know how much more she could extract from her joint savings account, or how quickly she could raise money by selling some shares. And she didn’t know how long she’d have to survive on her own. 

Back in Somerset she checked into a hostel. It was used mainly by men of the road referred there and paid for by the council. It seemed to have plenty of spare rooms, and when she saw the state of them she understood why. Maybe a roof of any kind was preferable to sleeping under the stars, or maybe not. Maybe those guys had some sort of self-respect even if it was restricted to their own world.

She felt bad. She hadn’t eaten for days and was now feeling shivery. The bacon buttie in the greasy spoon eased her starvation, but made her tummy feel like it would reject this oily offering. The fight that broke out persuaded her to leave forgetting about both those issues. But what to do? The sun will come up tomorrow and you, Jane, will have even less. How long before you have to sell your body just to stay alive? 

That evening she overheard a quiet conversation in the hall. How much? Was that all? Is that all it was worth?  The guy in the hall had left without completing the transaction. The girl was distraught and offering a price reduction but to no avail and Jane burst into tears. And she had given up her entire life for… 

The girl turned towards her

“I can’t even turn a trick” she whispered “I’m gonna have to steal some food, somewhere. Oh my. How did I ever get here”

Jane felt the words were so appropriate. She reached into her purse and pushed one of her two five pound notes into the girls hand

“What do you want for that?”

 “Nothing. I don’t want anything. I’m just sharing what I’ve got” and her own tears concluded the conversation. She headed for the stairs letting these new revelations sink slowly into her head through the fog and the haze. 

Cue I Will by Billy Fury

Retro Jane

Next day, the reality sank farther in.

“Can’t be doing with this place” an elderly man was saying to her without introduction “Too many rules. Too many restrictions. Too much organisation. Can’t be doing with the responsibility of all that”

He slung his small rucksack over one shoulder and headed back to life under the hedgerows.

Was that it? Was she running away from responsibility? Responsibility for her family, the girls she’d brought into this world, everything she’d worked for. And responsibility for herself?

That night, she woke in a panic. She checked the clock ticking aimlessly in the corner. Quarter past two. The sweat was pouring off her face and dripping onto her nightie. She felt shivery. And cold. And wet. And frightened. She pulled the grubby cover up round her neck and looked around in the darkness at the musty smell. What the hell had she been doing? Wake up girl, she told herself now sitting bolt upright. She fumbled for the light switch and looked around. Torn curtains. Sparse, Spartan. If it had been smart it might have been minimalist. But it wasn’t. It was scruffy, run down, it had seen better days - maybe twenty years ago. It was better than a hedge, but not much. She rummaged in her Louis Vuitton for pen and notepad. Tomorrow, always tomorrow. No! today! At 9 o’clock, she would phone Gary. No, before that 8 o’clock go for a proper breakfast, then the chemist – weigh herself to start getting back in shape, then after Gary, buy new dress. Yes, Dress, not scruff-pants or jeans or tee shirt, and a lightweight jacket. No, not bomber jacket, leather jacket or puffer jacket. Then go to the bank and organise the release of more money from somewhere.

Plan!

 She sank back to the headboard only to find it didn’t exist and hit her head on the wall. She closed her eyes. Later today Jane, you are going to start to get your life back.

This wasn’t just a decision finally made, it was a declaration of determination. She would win, even if the enemy was herself! Now with that commitment she slept better and then the espresso cleared her head and woke her up. You are not a wreck, she told herself, at least not any more. Drew had believed in you, and maybe still did, even if he wasn’t here to help. 

But words he’d said filled her thoughts. Ok she knew why it had all come tumbling down, and she knew it was all down to her. Like everything else, it was her choice. But he’d supported her all the way through despite everything, yes girl, everything – Adam, and even Stuart. 

Cue Hades Bride (There was a time) by Karen Lovely

Oh my goodness! Stuart. Try not to remember. There had never been a chance for them and it all reminded her of why she never went out with him at school. And Drew was so right that no matter who she found as a partner, they’d want her body as well as her mind, even if they didn’t want her mind. She’d always enjoyed that kind of thing with Drew so why did she turn it all upside down? She’d asked that question so many times and she knew the answer. But she couldn’t admit it to herself. And anyway, it was done now, and later, maybe, she’d think about how to solve that. But first it was Gary. No, get head together, brain in gear and phone Gary.  

“Clare, Its Jane, Jane Telford. Can I speak to Gary? Is he in?”

“Jane! My! How are you?”

“Very well, Clare, and you?”

“I’m ok. It’s a bit hectic here but we’ll get through it. Yes, I’ll put you through. See you soon maybe?”

“Maybe. Hope so”

“Jane. This is an unexpected surprise. Are you well?”

“Yes, Gary. I’m good. How about you. Clare suggested it’s a bit busy there”

“Busy? That’s one way of putting it. But what about you, what are you up to?”

“Not much, actually. The Birmingham job didn’t work out”

“Oh dear. Whyever not?”

“The fraud bit was ok, but then then I was expected to do the follow up interviews. You know, the policeman bit and get them to confess, or hurl abuse, or break down in tears – and that was only the blokes. And that’s just not me”

“No, I agree with that. I really don’t see that playing to your strengths”

“No. So I‘m looking for something else, and I was hoping you would agree to be a reference for me, when I find a suitable opportunity”

“Well, yes, Jane. Of course I will. What sort of thing are you looking for now? I could angle the reference accordingly”

“Oh. Thankyou. That’s really kind. But what I’m looking for is something like I was doing before. I think I was good at that. I liked it too. Its just that personal circumstances persuaded me that a change was needed”

“So is that all sorted now as well?”
 “Not exactly. Its more gone full circle. Clare was saying you’re really up to your neck. I don’t suppose you’d consider taking me back?”

She bit her lower lip, surprised and pleased that her previous direct attitude hadn’t deserted her completely. But there was a pause at the other end of the line. 

“Well. There’s a thought” said Gary eventually followed by another long pause that prompted her to interrupt it

“Of course, I doubt if my old job is still there, because you were talking about reorganisation, but you’re still in shipping and I do know something about that industry”

“Hmm. Look Jane. Can you get down to the office? Say tomorrow at 10.30”

“I certainly can!”

“I’m promising nothing, so don’t get excited. But I need to be somewhere else right now, and that gives us both time to think about it. It’s just a chat and that’s all, Ok?”

“That’s wonderful Gary. Thankyou. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye”

She clicked the phone off and let her head fall back as if thanking whatever gods were watching for at least small mercies.

She called Drew’s office, but Diane convinced her that Drew really was out all day. She didn’t want to wait till tomorrow. She’d made the decision, so the sooner she got on with it the better. But instead it was new dress and bank – had Drew topped up that joint account? Then more coffee and lunch and a walk by the river to consider what she should say to Gary next day. 

She was sure there were fresh rodent droppings in her room, but a proper hotel was out of the question for the time being, without a job and living entirely on savings. She tried to read her book, but had difficulty concentrating. There are too many other things that she should be doing, but none of them right now.

She gulped in air to stimulate her courage. Do it now she demanded of herself trying, and failing, to think of a reason to delay. 

Down at the nearest cafe there seemed to be something of a disturbance. Not exactly a fight, but certainly a heated argument. She walked on to the next phone. Grabbed all the courage she'd been building up in both hands and dialled Drew. 

“Telford”  

“Hi Drew, its Jane. How are you?”

“Jane! To what do I owe this dubious pleasure?”

“Oh, I was just thinking about a few things, and I wondered if maybe you would be free to have a drink with me tomorrow evening?”

“Actually, it's not that convenient. Strangely enough, I happen to have a 15 year old who needs looking after and dinner cooking”

“I know, but maybe early, so you can get back for her. What about half past five in the Old Bell”

“Oh! So, you’re back in town, then?”

“Yes, and, and it would be just great if you could spare a few minutes”

“Oh, all right. But it’ll only be an hour, I need to get back for Cindy. Is there anything in particular you wanted to talk about. Maybe I need to consider beforehand?”

“No...”she said with the melancholy drifting back into her voice uninvited “...I just wanted to see you”

 Cue Love Walked In by David McWilliams

Back at the hostel two drunks looked like they’d passed out in the foyer. She stood the cider bottle back up and stepped over them avoiding the empties, and wondered if maybe they were only lying there so that they could look up any passing skirt, and she was sure the rodent drippings had multiplied. 

Clare seemed pleased to see her the next day. She made her a cup of coffee while she waited. 

“I don't know what the delay is. I don't think anything new has happened that can't wait till later. And Trevor was in the office with Gary”

“Jane! How nice to see you. And looking lovely, if I may say so”

“Hi Gary. Hello Trevor. It's good to see you guys as well. How's business?”

“As bad as I think you'd expect” replied Trevor dryly. 

This put her on guard. That was a bit aggressive, so keep sharp, girl. Somethings not quite right here.. 

“I explained to Trevor that you were unexpectedly available, and he .eh. .. agreed to join us for our chat”

“Great”

“So, what went wrong?” asked Trevor with neutral emotion. 

Jane explained, but he seemed unconvinced. Trevor had largely been responsible for clearing up the mess that ensued after Jane had left. It wasn't directly her fault, but she was the only person who knew how things worked, how to get things done, who to talk to, who to call in favours from, and who to help out to build up the favours in the first place. 

Gary tried to explain what had been happening. It's really more of a damage limitation exercise than a proper recovery. We haven't had time to start that yet. Given an example, Jane quickly explained what she would have done.

“Oh I see!” exclaimed Trevor, with more enthusiasm than Jane could reasonably have expected, but Trevor was just glad that she'd given him a solution, and his attitude seemed to mellow. 

But she couldn't but look puzzled and her body language gave away the question. 

“You see” Gary said “Trevor is firmly of the opinion that you actually orchestrated this whole issue. He thinks that you planted the major issues before you left, with the intention of turning up again offering to sort it out - at a price”

Jane was stunned – again, but sat silently listening 

“Which is why..” Trevor continued “..I'm not surprised to see you back here”

“For my part” Gary said “I seldom subscribe to the conspiracy theory because there's never anyone bright enough to conjure up the plot. But in your case I would have to make an exception”

Jane looked from one of them to the other. Maybe I was only invited in here to be accused of causing the problems. Which in a way, I was. But it wasn’t deliberate. It wasn’t planned. Oh my! If I’d planned the last two months I’d need certifying! 

“No way” she said definitively “Come on you two. That's way too high risk for me. No guarantee there'll be problems you couldn’t solve, no guarantee you'd invite me back, no guarantee you'd pay up and in the meantime I lose my job and my pension continuity. And the stress in the meantime! It's a plan. But it's not my plan. Gary! If you'd thought that, you'd have phoned me before now with an offer. And I wouldn't have taken a job in Birmingham. I’d have sat at home waiting for the call”

“Hmmm all good points. But my question is, can you two work together. Trevor, if Jane comes back, you'd be working for her”

“Yes, well at least then the mess would be her problem”

“Hmm and you and I, Jane. We often didn't see eye to eye”

“No. I know. We've frequently disagreed, and its fair to say I usually have an opinion. And I can be quite vociferous. But Gary, I always supported the decision when its been made, and worked as hard as I could to make it work, even when I had a different solution to start with. I mean, I could have tried to make it fail, but I never did. And an alternative point of view is always a good thing, even if it is only used to reaffirm your own option”

“Hmm again, good points. Although I think there was more to your perspective than simply devil’s advocate”

“Well yes. But you did accept my suggestion on a number of occasions, and they proved successful”

“Quite so. Trevor, if it was your decision. What would you do?”

“Me? We need someone who can sort things out and get us back to a stable base. That means in the current environment, someone heading up not just my team but Maria's as well because we need to work so closely. But there’s always conflict there. Now, Maria would never work for me, and in any case, none of my team are capable of stepping up, we found that out when I was away for four days. And, I can't put in any more time what with both my parents now needing extra care and all of these conflicts are part of the problem”

Oh my! Surely I’m not responsible for all of those issues as well! Or did they just surface at the same time?

“So?”

“So, I'd bring Jane in, if she's available. And agrees. Of course, in the event she didn't set this whole disaster up, she might not want to take on the recovery task, now she’s seen the scale of it”

She sat quietly while she was discussed in the third person, taking note of a number of points for use in self-defence later on, should the need arise until Clare tapped the door 

“Sorry to interrupt, but I've got a call that I think you ought to take”

“Ok Clare. I'll take in in your office. You two stay here”

“More coffee, Jane?”

“Thankyou, yes please. Oh Trevor, I'm sorry to hear about your folks. Is it all sudden?”

“Thanks Jane, but no, it's been building up for a while. It's just a big restriction. Ideally, I'd ask Gary if I could go down to four days a week, not step up to doing six”

“Well, we've worked together before, and that went ok”

“Yeah, but you'll have to convince me it's not part of your master plan.”

“I'm flattered you think I might have a master plan. If you knew the problems I've had these last two months, I think you'd agree it wasn’t pre-determined”

“So what's the plan!” asked Gary returning to the room

“Gary, we need help of some sort. Jane knows the systems, she knows the people. She's been there, done that and won the wet tee shirt competition. And she's available”

Jane reflected on whether ‘winning a wet t-shirt competition’ and ‘being available’ in the same sentence quite fitted in with polite office protocol, but maybe some of these things you just have to let slip.

The Old Bell was busy as Drew scanned round for her. She was already sitting at a table with two small gins and an almost full bottle of tonic. She greeted him and moulded her face into a smile which she hoped would partially mask how scared she really was 

“Thanks for coming. Cheers” she said as he sat down

He looked across at her sad but not distressed face. This looked awfully like the Jane he used to know with the nervous smile, the understated dress, the minimal make up and the careful hair. She asked about the girls. She’d not spoken to either of them, but he convinced her she ought to, for them if not for her. He asked about her car and said he’d just that week renewed her insurance for her.

But time ran out so quickly. It wasn’t a bad meeting reflected Drew as he drove home trying to think of what to cook for Cindy. But Jane had been calm, controlled, polite, flirty even! She hadn’t been demanding, or hard work or defensive or .. oh Jane, how many more times am I going to let you break my heart! He felt the drip of  tear welling in his eye. Fleck of dust he convinced himself as he turned into the driveway. 

Dinner with Cindy was unusually subdued, to the extent that he asked her if everything was alright. 

“Uh hu”

“You and Craig ok?” he probed

She smiled her melting smile ‘Yes, Craig’s ok. He’s invited me to dinner on Thursday. Is that ok?

“Of course”

“But I don’t like leaving you alone. I should be home supporting you and…”

“No. No, Cindy. You should be out enjoying yourself. So long as all your homework’s done”

“Tomorrow” Drew answered when Jane phoned him the next day. Cindy’s going to Craig’s. No, she goes to see his sister as well. Apparently she’s hilarious. She just finds humour in everything”

The Italian Restaurant was empty as they sat down for an early dinner 

“I thought we might just take a walk by the river afterwards” Jane had offered as an explanation.

They sat down on the dry grass on the knoll where the water swept round the hill in a wide arc.

Drew chuckled “I used to come here a lot” he said as if reminding her but she didn’t rise to that bait “It was a kind of special place for me, once upon a time”

“Really?” she said calmly

“Yes” he said sadly, almost in exasperation “It reminds me of a girl I used to know”

Drew knew that big boys didn’t cry, but right now he didn’t feel very big as he smiled a short hopeless smile at her

“Why have you brought me here, Jane?”

“Because it’s still a special place, for me too”

“Yes” he continued “I used to come here with a wonderful girl called Jane”
 

She laughed a careless smile as Drew continued “Yes, she was pretty, and intelligent, witty, flirty”

 “What else are you going to tell me about her?” she asked with interest rather than derision

“Not much. Its all far too sad, and I’m sure you didn’t bring me here to be sad. To remember maybe, but not to be sad”

“To remember?” she prompted

“Yes. To remember the good times, the years of happy marriage and our two wonderful children, and then something went wrong”

“Do you know what?” she asked almost mischievously 

“Not exactly” said Drew, now catching on to the third person descriptive. 

“She went out with some work colleagues one evening. I guess something went a little too far and it had a bigger impact on her than she expected”

“I’ll bet you got mad at her”

“No, It was her who was upset, not me. But maybe she took that as I didn’t care. She changed”

“Oh, so she turned into a new Jane?”

“Yeah. Unhappy, unkempt. Uncaring and terminally selfish”

Jane turned away from him, gazing at the river. Her voice lowered to nearly a whisper and sad, despite Drew telling her not to as she continued Drew’s thread

“And new Jane was unsuccessful. She quit her job and lost her new job. She had a disastrous affair, and abandoned her children, her home, her husband and everything else she knew. New Jane is a horrible person who spends a lot of time wondering how to end it all. But I wonder what you’d say to Jane if she showed up here right now?”

Drew chuckled in a wry croak, but continued to play along with the drama

“I’d say, Hi, remember me. I’m Andrew. We used to have good times together. But that was a long time ago” and then more wistfully “We had loads of good times together, a long, long time ago, in a very distant land”

“And” she said hesitantly “what do you think she’d reply”

Drew picked up a faltering hint as her voice quivered

“I think she’d say, ‘Yes’. But that was a long time ago and the world has turned so many times since then. So what do you think she’s say?”

“That’s hard” replied Jane, faltering even more “Because the original Jane hasn’t been around for a while, so I don’t think she’ll show up. She was replaced by New Jane. She was horrible, but I think she’d say. Yes, I know you from somewhere, but I don’t remember any good time, only bad. Drew, so much has happened. I know you can’t turn the clock back and go back to everything as it was. Too much history has been added. But what you can do is recreate the past. You can rebuild things that used to be, but starting from a new perspective in a retro kind of way. You see, that would create Retro Jane. She’s very authentic. In fact she uses many of the original components and parts. So much so that some of them are already getting worn out. But she retains many of the good bits from the old model. Do you want to know what I think she’d say?”

Drew was startled by this, the characters in the act were getting confused with the real people, and he became suddenly convinced that this had been the plan all along. Its certainly the sort of charade that the original Jane would have created, given certain circumstances.

But now he didn’t know if he was supposed to be the real Drew or the role play Drew, and maybe now it didn’t matter, and maybe there had only been one Drew all along, while he was still unsure how many Janes there were supposed to be. And he was even less convinced that he could tell the difference between the real Jane and the retro Jane. But she was watching his every move as carefully as her limited concentration would permit

“Yes” he replied more cautiously “yes, I would”

Cue The Real Me by Rosanne Cash

“I think…” Jane started slowly “I think she’d say.. .. she’d say - Yes, I remember you. You’re Drew, You’re the Drew I met when I was at Durham Uni”
 She choked momentarily “You’re the Drew I went to the chapel after an international law lecture and prayed you’d invite me out”

“I didn’t know that”

“You’re the Drew I cried all night over when you went out with Ellie Worcester and failed my first term basic accounting exam the next day. You’re the Drew I fell in love with. You’re the Drew I married, the Drew that supported me, that gave me two wonderful daughters. You’re the Drew that forgave me without a word even for the worst things I did. And was always there for me even after all that when I needed support and money and … love”

Her voice faltered and tears had formed in her eyes and were now streaming uncontrolled down her face but she continued blinking then out of the way 

“You’re the Drew I dumped for my own masochism and misguided independence. And the Drew that wanted my mind and my time as well as my body, but I was too selfish to give it to you even though it would cost me nothing. You’re the Drew that gave me a wonderful house and a lovely car and who looks after my children and does a better job on your own than I did with your help. You’re the Drew that has kept patience with me no matter what. You’re.. ..you’re the Drew that turned to me when I was at my very worst and said that no matter who we both were with, you would still love me forever”

 She collapsed into tears on his shoulder and felt his strong arms fold round her as she tried to continue while Drew found his own eyes misting up 

“You’re the Drew that now that I’m getting back in control of myself, I want to love me again. And make love to me again, and be impetuous again and spontaneous and be my Drew again, because now I know that without you I have nothing, I am nothing, I’m not even me without you”

She paused as she felt him squeezing the life out of her but managed to breathe enough to continue

“I’ll gladly give you everything you want, even if is just my body. Because then there would be hope that you might also want the rest of me later on”

She slipped her arms around him, clutching him like there was no tomorrow sobbing into his shoulder. He folded his coat around her against the now cold breeze and felt the flow of tears down inside his shirt as she pressed her cheek against him. He dabbed her eyes with a tissue 

“Please Drew,” she said “please don't reject me now. Not now that my head’s beginning to clear, although you've every reason to. You might not want the risk, or maybe I've hurt you and the girls too much to ever recover, but I promise I'll be the best Jane that there’s ever been”

She pressed against him and they sheltered in silence inside his coat for several minutes, with her hopes of getting back together rising with each passing moment.  He helped her up

“Come on, its getting cold”

They walked back along the riverside path with Jane treading carefully rather than not caring if she slipped and fell in or not

 “I'd invite you back to my place” she said as they got back to the road, “but it's just not feasible”

“No?”

“No. It's a pretty rough place. Certainly not the sort of place they wear business suits and park 7 series BMs. And it's assumed that any girl taking a guy back with her is charging for the privilege. But.. But” she spluttered urgently “We.. we could take your car up to that lay by on Pebbleford Lane”

“Now you are sounding like someone ...”

“Please! Drew, that's a bit harsh!”

“But I've got to get back for Cindy. I can't be late.”

“She'd understand”

“Maybe, and maybe not. She still thinks you deserted her. And if I'm late she'll think I'm deserting her too to be with you”

He drove her back to Southampton Street and they exchanged a peck goodnight. 

“See that's posh” slurred one of the drunks in the foyer “Hey! Show us something we haven't seen before”

She ignored the comment and stepped over them, remembering what she'd overheard Drew telling Cindy. It doesn't matter if a boy looks up your skirt, it's how you react that's important because that's what dictates what happens next - something, or nothing. 

She collapsed onto her bed, but the tears continued. How was she expecting him to forgive her and take her back after everything she’d done, and the girls! Especially Cordelia. Poor Della, up in Durham, all on her own with her only hope to rely on herself to ensure a life of her own. This battle was won, but the war had just started. 

“Have you told Cindy yet?” she asked with mounting trepidation as he sat down in the Old Bell the next day. 

“No I'm taking her out to dinner later. I'll tell her then and hope the fact it's a public place reduces the visible reaction.”

“Oh really!”

“Well drink up then”

“What for? We've got another hour. I'm only meeting her at El Fredo’s, just up the road”

“Yes but I want to do something first.”

“Where are we going?”

“Not sure. But the lay by in Pebbleford Lane sounds a good bet.”

Drew looked bewildered. They'd mentioned that as a potential remote spot for some intimate activity but... 

“What did you tell me?” she frowned trying to remember “Don't do anything unless you have three good reasons for doing it. If not, do something more important. Well. One, I want to, two, you want to... “she paused and slowed becoming more serious “three - I want to prove to you that I'm serious about all this and all the things we used to enjoy together and four, that I can behave like the old Jane with impetuosity and spontaneity, even if it sometimes borders on silliness. My car?”

Jane slept better than she had for weeks. Maybe it was the oxytocin levels that were up and calming her down. Maybe it was the increased security of having a job again - maybe and getting back with Drew and Lucinda - again maybe. Or maybe it was just that she was recovering from whatever it was and wherever she'd been and looking forward to life, rather than continually contemplating death.

On  Monday  she got to the office early, but Gary was already there. The briefing was depressing. Some clients had already served notice, more were expected. Trevor had made it clear he was attempting damage limitation, already accepting a level of casualties. Gary was clear that Jane's job was recovery, with minimum loss. It was nerve wracking walking that business tightrope, so it was mid-afternoon before she got to phoning Drew. She'd been dreading this as well. What if he hadn't sold Lucy on the idea of her coming back. And she'd only rented her room till Friday, what would happen after that? 

“Telford”

“Drew! It's Jane” she stammered more nervously than she could ever have imagined “I..I Just wondered how you got on with Lucinda last Friday?”

“Jane! Yes, it went ok. Not magnificent. But then that wasn’t expected anyway, but ok. Look I can't talk now. Old Bell half past five ok?”

Jane accepted the delay as just another step along the path. No need to panic, just she'd find out a couple of hours later. And after all, he’d said it had gone ok.

But now the tables were reversed as Jane got to the pub. Drew was at the corner table with two glasses of gin and a bottle of tonic 

“Yes” he said “I had five minutes to get along the road from where you dropped me. I could see someone standing near the entrance, and as I approached, I thought, my goodness, she looks gorgeous, and then when I got nearer she moved towards me like she knew me. But yes, it was Cindy and I hardly recognised her. She looked stunning and at least 25. Anyway, we're having dinner and I said to her that you had been ill, but you were getting better again, with a real prospect of returning to your old self again, like the one we all knew before, so long ago. And she said, oh really - So she'll be moving back in? I agreed, and she said, well, just in time, with a strange smile that I couldn't tell if it was happy or relieved, or maybe just how did that just happen”

“Really? She must have some angle on it?”

“For sure. Dinner moved on, but I wanted to be sure she understood the impact, so I said, are you ok with you moving back in, and she said, yes, actually, it gets her out of a dilemma. I'd already commented that she looked stunning, and she said yes, it's part of the plan. What she was doing was that she'd decided that she'd treat it like we were on a date, and she'd get dressed up accordingly. So that later, obviously, I'd take her back to my house. She said that with you moved out and Carole gone as well, she imagined that I would be suffering from lack of activity in the bedroom, and that she was going to suggest that she filled that gap! I said well yes, you look absolutely wonderful, but you're underage, and anyway you're my daughter. Yes she agreed, so it would be important that no one found out or I'd likely get locked up. She said those do-gooding social folk are only too quick to believe children who make up stories about something going on, but they'll never believe someone who says it was their idea and all part of a plan for very good family reasons. It a tough one. I didn't want her to feel rejected, so I said that it's important that I could come and sit on the side of her bed at bed time without her suspecting that I might just be there for more nefarious activities and that we were able to trust each other. But she said, it hardly matters now if you're moving back in. 

She asked if I was cross with her for this, and I said no, not at all. I'm pleased that she cared enough about me to want to do this. She said, oh no, I don't want to do it. It'd rather give my thing up to Craig in the meadow near the waterfall. But I would do it for you because you're my daddy and you've suffered enough already. I said I was also pleased that she and I were able to talk about stuff like this, and that she could look so grown up, when she wanted to, and that I wouldn't tell Craig what her intentions were for their walk on Sunday. She thumped my arm, and said don’t you dare, but she said, don't expect her to call you mum. It's Jane, She accepts that you’re her mother, but that doesn't make you her mum. You need to earn respect and trust and love and that doesn't happen just by rocking up. I told her Thursday, to give her a couple of days to get used to the idea”. 

Home?

It felt strange, ringing her own doorbell. As if maybe she’d lost her key. But it wasn’t her door. It used to be her door. ‘Oh, hello Jane, come in’. Like it used to be ‘Hi mum’. And ‘dad’s getting dinner ready for 7’. Like it used to be ‘when’s dinner mum?’.

It was like her whole life was in the past tense. Which, she reflected, it was – and is. And only what she did from now on would contribute to the future. Right now there was no future – no plans, no dates in diaries, no looking forward to events. But it was an open book! Yes, but with blank pages. She’d burned her bridge way back when, 3 months ago. 

Now, returning, it was restart. Not a continuation of anything in the past, a full start from the beginning again restart. But only for her. Lucinda and Drew both had continuity – Drew with his work, his golf, his friends, his daughters… And Lucinda the same – School, Craig, friends like Susan. And her? No. Work was a restart. Drew, was a restart, Lucinda another restart and maybe Cordelia would be a restart or maybe even she’d already lost her forever. And friends? She’d have to skip round the last three months when they met friends from the previous era - that is, more than three months ago. Oh my! The weight pressed down on her and she collapsed onto the settee. The seriousness of the situation she’d created had started to sink in just over a week ago when she suddenly realised she’d walked out of everything she ever loved – and it had been her choice. She’d realised that she’d always had the freedom. The freedom to go and the freedom to stay, and to go out with friends and colleagues and the freedom to be herself. But she’d chosen to exercise her freedom and had brought destruction to everyone. Except it was her that was suffering most. Back then she had every freedom. Now! Now she was constrained by the circumstances she’d created. How mad was she? In giving everything up, she’d given up her freedom. A week ago it crystallised into a dream – a mere possibility to be able to go back to where she was. Then it had seemed possible. Now, as the situation evolved in front of her, it was beginning to look impossible all over again. She was no longer free to choose. Now she no longer had a choice. It was too late. It was too formidable. It was too much. It was her against the rest – against the whole world. Her only choice was to leave. The choice of her staying was with Drew and Lucinda. 

But this was her home! No, this used to be her home and now it was an alien place. There were few changes to what she remembered, but maybe they were significant. There used to be a photograph of Drew and her on the mantlepiece. Now there was just a picture of her. Drew had put her picture above the fire to replace their picture, like maybe it was of an ex-girlfriend. But the alternative? No she didn’t need to go back to that fleapit hostel, she wouldn’t go back there. And she’d make some kind of breakthrough at work, even if she had to engineer it. Work. The people were the same, the papers were the same, the processes were the same the clients were the same and her? She was – nearly the same. The same old Jane but with a bit missing. A bit that was three months long, A bit that had caused serious damage to the company, and the company was prepared to let her try to repair it, But for how long?. Oh my! No security there either. And if she didn’t manage to recover at least some of those client accounts she’d be out on her ear with nowhere to go. She collapsed in tears burying her face in her hands

“Don’t cry Jane” said Lucinda as she opened the door.

“Sorry. It all gets too much sometimes”

“Hmm. Well, you caused it”

Oh my! No sympathy there 

“Its not been easy for us either, strangely enough” Lucinda continued

“I know. And I’m sorry. And I’m going to ty to make it up to you”

“Hmm. Well blubbing like a five year old isn’t going to help”

Oh my. This was her own 15 year old talking to her like she was her mother, rather than the other way round. Jane hauled in her final reserves and looked up to face her and nodded. 

“Maybe we can all help each other?”

“Hmph. Maybe” Lucinda dismissed the invitation “Anyway, dad says dinner will be on the table in 10 minutes. So, you might want to go upstairs and tidy yourself up”

Cue See Me in Shadow by Delain. From the Lucidity album

“I guess I’ll be in Drew’s room?”

“I guess. That’s partly what this is all about, isn’t it? But one thing I’ve learned recently is that anyone can tell anyone else what to do. But its up to the individual as to whether they do it or they take whatever the consequences are. So my view, and Dads too, is that you do exactly what you want to do. If it fits in with where we want to go, that’s fine. If it doesn’t, then that’s fine too –only it takes us all in different directions”

“But.. But, you never have a completely free choice when there’s other people involved”

“Actually Jane. I think you do. And its you that proved it. You can decide any time you like to exclude everyone else. What you can’t do is decide to include them because that’s their choice”

Jane withered inside. Maybe this was going to be a whole lot harder than she’d imagined. Maybe she’d only pretended that things were not that bad. Maybe Gary taking her back had created a false sense of security and now reality had smacked her clean on the nose. She tidied herself up as Lucinda had suggested wiping away the tears and smudged makeup, and repainting to a minimalist level. Straighten her blouse. Find a new skirt maybe. Well, an old one, but different. But that was an issue too. This one was too big! Oh dear had she lost that much weight – she thought she’d put on a stone, but no, that was in the second month – more recently it had all disappeared – and more. But a safety pin would pull in the waistband of a A line, and maybe they’d not notice the difference. And if they did, she’d claim that at least she’d tried. As if trying would be enough. Trying is never enough. Only success is enough.

Dinner looked amazing. Home cooking, for the first time in weeks and weeks. 

“Wow” she said, raising some enthusiasm “You know, your dad used to cook fantastic meals when we were at uni. He’d invite people for Sunday lunch and it would go on all afternoon”

“Dad’s been teaching me to cook too”

“Maybe I could help with that too?” she said as invitingly as she could

“Maybe” Lucinda dismissed the offer flatly

Jane’s heart sank again. She’d really wanted to get off to a good start with Lucy, but this was going to be a challenge.

“That was amazing, Drew” she said as she finished

“You look like you need it” Drew replied “Looks like you’ve been losing weight”

“Yes, I have, I’ve dropped down to size 10. I was up at size 14. Actually, I think I need some new clothes. A lot of the old ones are just dropping off me”

“Really, the boys at work will be pleased”

Drew admonished her with a single look, but it didn’t stop Jane from shrivelling again

“Maybe, Lucinda, you’d like to come shopping with me?”

That seemed to have hit a nerve.

“I’d like that”

Jane suddenly felt a light come on “But” Lucinda continued “only on condition you don’t even try to buy me anything”

“Oh?” Jane said questioningly rather than disappointed

“NO, I am not for sale”

And that was Jane put squarely back in her box – again..

But then later Lucinda said goodnight to her with a hint of a smile, and while this progress might be miniscule, any progress was a start.

She sat on the edge of her bed. No, their bed, no wrong again. It was Drew’s bed. She had deserted it three months ago. No, wrong again. She had deserted it ten months ago. She tried to think back to the fun times they'd had together in that bed, but it seemed a whole lifetime ago. It came to mind the last time they'd made love in this bed. She remembered feeling devalued, and guilty and used and it wasn't Drew’s fault, it was that slime-bag Adam, or, no, it wasn’t Adam. It was her. She should’ve said just ‘no’ and nudged him away And they all had paid the price. But the fumbled attempt in the car a couple of days ago that she had initiated to prove she was serious about getting back together had not been a complete success, but they’d had a huge amount of laughing and wriggling and giggling, and that, she had decided marked it as a success. Now, she wasn't sure what to do. Get undressed? Crawl naked under the covers? Find an old silk babydoll? 

Oh my! What would Drew be expecting, and the reality hit her that after 20 years of marriage, she had absolutely no idea. If it was a new relationship, there’d be an excitement; if it was an existing one she’d know what to do. But this was something different. She remembered back to when she couldn’t even bring herself to touch him. Her emotions had frozen her. She was guilty and she’d had to shrink away. Drew hadn’t been cross. Sympathetic if anything, but then that had led to a 10 month hiatus and she couldn't let her body react like that again. But she'd been ok with Stuart at the start, so she should be ok with Drew. She hadn’t been worried about that short term boyfriend, why was she so worried about one long term husband? Because, she told herself, this was important, and that wasn’t.

Well, remove the safety pin for a start. Ok, if she stood up, her skirt would fall to the floor, but maybe that wouldn't be all bad. She tried to concentrate on looking forward to this, and she remembered what Lucinda had said about if what she wanted to do related to what the others wanted. So? What did she want to do? And maybe Drew would like it too. It wasn’t just that this was a necessary step to get back into Drew’s life, but this was always something special that they had shared – before she’d destroyed it. And now, it was just another piece that needed rebuilding. She tried recalling things they used to do, but now the door opened and it was time to find out.

He smiled at her gently 

“Thought you'd be in bed and asleep by now!”

“No, I was waiting for you. It's been a long day, but it's not over yet”

“Yes. But it's a big step forward”

“Cindy’s going to be a bit of a challenge”

“Yes, but I can't blame her”

“Oh Drew, I do realise the extent of the mess I’ve caused, but I can only go forward from here. I can't undo it, not now. I just need to restart with everyone individually”

“Yes, but Jane, I can't help you with Cindy. I can't take sides. She's very, very fragile, and vulnerable. The only thing that has held her together these last couple of months is Craig. He's such a steady influence on her. I've a lot of time for that boy, and there’s not many I could say that for”

“Some pieces of this puzzle are going to be harder than others. I just need to stock up on patience”

“Me too. I'm finding it quite a strain to keep a balance, try to keep Lucinda in perspective although as I said, Craig's the one who's stopped her from going completely open loop.”

She leaned his way for a cuddle, and ever so slowly, their clothes disappeared onto the floor. 

Saturday morning had developed into housework day, but with Jane helping as well, it was all over by midday. 

They headed for the Coach and Horses in the town centre for lunch and now with Drew pointed in the direction of a round of golf, the girls turned towards a round of retail therapy. Jane was looking forward to it, albeit with some trepidation, and to getting to know her daughter again, now in her new guise as Cindy. But just two minutes from the pub, Cindy turned her in through the door of Alyson’s Salon. The place was quiet, and bright, sophisticated and expensive. 

“You have an appointment for Jane Telford?”

Jane? Who? Me? 

“Of course, if you’d like to come this way, please. Can I take your coat? And a cup of coffee? 

“Cindy!”

“It's ok. Jane. I'm meeting Susan. She's got something she needs to tell me. You'll be about an hour and a half. I'll see you back here” and was gone. 

Jane accepted the stylist’s recommendation for something not too drastic, and sagged back in the chair to reflect that if Cindy had set this up, then hope was beginning to appear on the horizon. Hope? Hope, she thought. It's a terrible thing. A promise of something better when you're most vulnerable with the chance of it actually happening being close to zero. Hope. An unreliable playmate that Jane had been avoiding for years in favour of planning and action. Now however, it seemed to have taken up residence and there was nothing she could do about it. 

“You ok?” she asked as Cindy returned looking pensive 

“Hmm yes, but Susan's getting herself into some trouble. Love the hair, by the way. I think that's a move in the right direction. Daddy will like that”

“Well, thankyou for setting it up. It wasn't expecting that”

Cindy was still pensive 

“Is there something that we can do for Susan? “

“Yes, and no. I know the best thing for her, but …”

“But?”

“Yes, the best thing for Susan is if I dump Craig, then he'd go out with her, and she'd be back on the straight and narrow, that's where the but is, because I don’t know anyone else remotely like Craig that I could put her together with”. 

Jane was slightly alarmed by this after what Drew had said about Craig

“But you’re not thinking of leaving Craig are you?”

Lucinda seemed to choke at the question

“No way! No way on this earth, of any other. But that's one of the few things that would help Susan, so I need to think of something like that”. 

They spent another two hours in and out of every fashion shop in town, noting possibilities and moving on to the next one to see if something better would jump out at them, and then back round again for a second viewing. Jane remembered what Lucinda had told her and pointed out things that she thought would suit her, but was careful to stop short of offering to buy them for her. Lucinda bought herself a dress, and Jane bought 4 outfits – two for wearing to work and two for more social purposes. Lucinda kept her new dress on after trying it on in the shop, but it was only when they got back to the pub that Jane found out why.

They’d agreed to meet Drew back there and now Jane and Lucinda were in need of a rest and a drink. Jane had planned to stop for coffee half way through the afternoon, but she’d found it was going rather well and there hadn’t been an obvious break point after her time-out in the salon.

 Now back at the pub Lucinda headed straight for the bar 

“What would you like to drink?” she asked in earshot of the barman “G & T?”

Jane hesitated, not because she was considering an alternative, but because she wasn’t expecting her 15 year old to get away with buying drinks in a bar.

“Two Gin and Tonics please – with a slice of lime”

The barman was clearly considering asking her how old she was, but she continued with unsurmountable confidence “And can I open a tab, please, if I put my card behind the bar? We’ve got another couple of people joining us, then we’ll get something to eat”

“That’s very kind of you” said Jane as the barman conceded defeat on presentation of a credit card and clinked some ice into their glasses. 

“Two people joining us?”

Lucinda nodded as she took a large sip from her glass.

“Yes, Craig and I are going to the cinema later, and I thought it might be a rush getting home and out again. So I invited him down here with us”

“Oh, Cindy, That’ll be nice to see Craig again”

But now Drew had ordered his beer as Lucinda waved to him.

“Is that on their tab, sir?”

“Oh, have they got one? Well, yes please then”

He sat down looking suspiciously at Cindy 

“Jane’s tab?” he asked Lucinda suspiciously, who simply shook her head in reply

“I wonder how I knew that”

But to Drew it was obvious. Lucinda was demonstrating that she was very much in control, and Jane would just have to take second place. This was alpha female behaviour.

“Are we eating here too?” he asked “Its just I thought you’d be running short of time for meeting Craig”

“No problem daddy. Craig’s meeting us here”

And Jane reflected, Drew had no issue at all with Cindy drinking alcohol. She did at home, and now in the pub. Three months ago she’d have had an issue with it, but now she felt it wasn’t appropriate for her to interfere, even if she was still her own daughter.

“Get yourself a drink” invited Drew “Its on Cindy’s tab” as Craig showed up just before six.

“Only a coke?” he questioned as Craig sat down

“ ’Fraid so Mr Telford. With Cindy looking like that, I’ll be fighting off every other bloke in town and you can’t do that with too much ale down your neck”

Cindy thumped his arm, embarrassed “No you won’t. I’m not interested in going out with anyone except you”

Jane noticed that they were just quietly holding hands under the table as the small talk revolved around what films were on, and what might be on Drew and Jane’s agenda for the evening. 

But the answer seemed obvious. They were in town anyway, they didn’t have any children to look after, they had only just met up again after an enforced break. Yes, they too would take in a movie.

But, as Cindy signed the bill, Jane reflected that she reckoned Drew had noticed every girl that had come in through the door, while Craig hadn’t taken his eyes off Cindy for more than a second. And she farther reflected that once upon a time Drew was like that with her too.

Simply sitting with an arm around each other resulted in Jane being comfortably relaxed as they left the cinema to find Cindy and Craig, And at home they fell onto the settee as Cindy said goodnight to Craig in the hall before his walk home.

Cue Always With Me – Danny Bryant’s Redeye Band

But Jane had to declare the evening an unexpected success and that, hopefully, would set the scene for reducing the friction over the next few weeks.

She had noticed the chemistry between Craig and Cindy, and now on a Sunday afternoon Craig had drifted into the kitchen while Cindy finished getting ready. 

“Cindy seems really keen on you” Jane had heard herself saying

“I was hoping she would”

“And what about you?” she asked rather cheekily

“Me? Mrs Telford. I don’t ever want to go out with anyone else”

“Not even Susan”

“That would be a tragedy, Mrs Telford. Not only would Cindy lose her boyfriend, she’d lose her best friend too. I could never do that to her”

That was another case of taking other people into account as an influence on your own action and Jane felt again that she’d been put back in her box – yet again. And maybe she should just accept these situations. But Cindy was her daughter, even if she hardly acknowledged it. She treated her more like a sister than a mother, and hardly at all like a mum. Maybe, Jane thought, that’s where she had been hoping to get to, but not for another 10 years – Is that an ambition? To have your 25 year old daughter treat you like a sister? And was it not just the case that in the last three months Cindy had grown up at least 5 years.

Susan 

Jane could have found it all too stressful, but instead she summoned determination, careful calculation and focus on her vision of the future. Working with Trevor and Maria was a tightrope that she'd walked before, and that combined with the equally difficult tightrope walk at home was a very delicate balance. It was also a week before she discovered that Adam was in the country again visiting a lot of international clients but popping in and out of their main office. She resolved not to ignore him completely, or to raise any memories of their last encounter, but he greeted her with what she considered a very lewd smirk when they eventually bumped into each other in the corridor. Jane was polite enough as they exchanged pleasantries, but apologised that she was already late for a client meeting and moved on without, she hoped, seeming to run away. 

It was the next evening when she found Lucinda gazing into space from the settee in the living room at home

“Penny for them?” she asked hopefully 

“Hmmm. Oh hello Jane. I was just thinking... “

“Yes, it looked like it was something serious”

“Yes, it is, I think. No. It is serious.”

Jane sat down as a cue to Lucinda continuing 

“I'm worried about Susan” she said eventually “She's got man trouble. I mentioned it after I’d met her while you were having your hair done. But I think its got worse”

“You mean, boy trouble”

“No, Jane. Boy trouble would be ok. This is man trouble. She was over meeting her dad at his work, and he was with this guy. Older bloke about 45. Somehow they got talking and he asked her out. At first she said no, because of course he's three times her age, but he scowled at her and said, you wouldn't want your company to lose this contract would you. I think that spooked her a bit, so she agreed to meet him. She's met him twice now, and the second time he was more, what would you say, friendly, intimate maybe? She only told me because she tells her mum and dad she's meeting me in town as a cover. And now she's worried that he'll go too far but she's worried about that contract, whatever it is. He's American and I think she's hoping he might just go back and disappear and solve all the problems. 

“Maybe she could just explain it to her dad?”

“Hmmm. Do you remember how well me and dad used to get on a year ago? Well, that's how well she gets on with her dad. Actually, that's one thing we had in common that made us best friends.”

It was nice that Lucinda was now talking to her, but Jane was still at a loss as to what to recommend until Lucinda mentioned who Susan's dad worked for. It was already ringing several bells in Jane’s head, including one great big alarm bell. And the alarm bell was that this description matched someone she already knew. 

The next day, she found herself milling through the supplier files. Yes, found it, and yes, it was a substantial contract due for renewal the following week. 

It wasn't hard to bump into Adam, and it wasn't hard to find out that he was meeting someone that evening. And it wasn't even hard to persuade him to take her for a drink after work just to fill in before his date arrived. 

Nor was it hard to hang around outside the pub and covertly watch Susan arrive and return back inside with a subdued, unobtrusive wave as she went into the loo and then back out through the main door. 

“What were you doing back in the pub?” accused Adam the next day

“Silly me, I left by hairbrush in the loo. Was that your date, then Adam? She's very pretty. Where did you manage to meet her?” she asked hoping rather that he would accuse her of prying, but no 

“She's a secretary over at Davisons. I was over there discussing the contract renewal and we just got talking”

“You seeing her again tonight?”

“No, tomorrow. I'm flying back after that. But it means I'm free this evening, if you're up for it?”

Jane dreaded to think what 'it' might be that she should be up for, but did want a quieter more private location for what she had to say. Another early drink, but with no intention of staying. 

Adam was a little suspicious as they walked the short distance to the Kings Head. 

“I am free all evening - and all night” he'd said pre-emptively “unless you have to rush off”

“Yes, I have a busy evening. I just thought a quick drink would set me up for it”

She let the conversation drift for several minutes. It was almost time for her to go as she put her glass back on the table 

“Adam, your date. You wouldn't be using the contract renewal as some sort of lever on her would you?”

He sat up, alert, suddenly suspicious “what makes you think that”

“Oh, just a possibility. And I wouldn't want anything to damage our company’s reputation”

“So you're familiar with that company then?”

“Not especially. But I am familiar with Susan”

“I didn't tell you her name was Susan”

“No, But you didn’t have to. And I do hope you haven't been too, what shall we say.... intimate with her, or maybe even taking advantage so that she co-operates for all the wrong reasons?”

Adam glared at her for interfering as she got up to put her coat on 

“You’re sounding almost jealous” he hazarded. But Jane simply smiled and left.

She breathed a sigh of relief outside in the cooler air. Yes, she was now back in control of herself, and yes, she could say no.

Lucinda was also pleased with the interference. She even phoned Jane at lunch break to say that she'd talked to Susan and persuaded her it was ok to not turn up that evening.

Adam found Jane in her office and offered a very condescending smile. I'm having trouble contacting Susan he opened 

“You mean to cancel this evening?”

“No, to change the venue so we don’t risk any unwelcome interference”

Jane managed to ignore the vicious look

“Really, Adam, you’d be better not to turn up at all”

“Why ever not?”

“Like I suggested. To avoid bringing unwelcome publicity to the company”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Maybe you can tell me where I can get hold of her, since you know her anyway?”

“Well, if you do need to contact her, you won’t find her at Davison’s, where her father works. She’ll be at High Ridge Comprehensive, where else would you find a schoolgirl on a Thursday afternoon?”

“Schoolgirl?”

Now it was Jane’s turn to turn on a sly smirk. She glanced at her watch “She’ll be in English Literature right now sitting next to my daughter”

Adam gritted his teeth

“Well what d’you know! But I’ll be back in Chicago on Saturday”

“So! I’d forget about it if I were you”

“Yeah! We'll all forget all about it” he echoed 

“No. You'll forget all about it. I might just remember. After all, she’s not even 16 till next month”

Everything seemed to improve over the next few weeks, or maybe they all just started to get used to it. Jane felt that she’d got her work under control even though the situation with Adam was a little precarious. Christmas was approaching fast and Jane was looking forward to trying to re-create an old fashioned family occasion. 

Drew however, had other ideas

“I’m not so sure about that” he’d said “the situation is very different and we’re only just getting some stability. With Della back here as well it could be a disaster”

Reluctantly she agreed that going away for Christmas was a better option. It put everyone in a less familiar environment which, Drew said, would level the playing field more than staying at home. And he’d said, it solves the issue of any bulky presents. 

The plans were set and Lucinda seemed to be taking it well until she realised that meant not seeing Craig for a whole week. That in itself would tell Drew something. At least until his weekly conversation with Cordelia.

“I’m sorry daddy. I thought we’d just be at home. And I think the situation with Jane would make things quite tense. But I’ll come over on the 27^th with Phil”

Drew had to admit she had a point, and he too felt some nervousness about the holiday season. So many families suffered from the strain at that time of year. Maybe they would as well, and Della being invited to Phil’s parents place, well, that would give her an alternative source of security and a better focus than being stuck down in the West Country with Jane.

But then, as one door slams another one opens in its place.

Cue She’s Got the Love by Khymera

 Florida

“Hello Darren. Its Drew Telford here. Is Craig in hearing distance?”

“Oh Hello Drew, no he’s not. I’ll go get him”
 “No, no its you I need to talk to”

“Oh! I do hope there’s nothing wrong?”

“No, not at all.  Look, Darren, I was wondering if you have anything special planned for Christmas?”

“Not that special, Drew, just the usual family together. Why?”

“I’m taking Jane and Cindy to Florida for a short break. Cordelia was supposed to be coming too, but she’s been invited to her boyfriend’s parents. That means we’ve got a spare place and I wondered if you’d let Craig come along with us?”

“I say! He’d love it. What dates do you have in mind?”

“We’d travel out on the 19^th and back on the 26^th. Of course he’d miss Christmas day with you”

“Yes, but we could delay the whole show till the 27^th. Maybe invite Cindy as well, if they’re still talking to each other!”
 “I don’t think there’s any real doubt about that”

“Well, Ok, Yes. I’ll discuss it with...”

“No, I’d rather keep it a secret from both of them till we go to the airport. Just a little surprise from me to both of them”

“Ok, but I’ll have to let Suzanne in on it”

But it was Suzanne who came up with the rest of the plot sitting down with Craig the week before. 

“Now Craig” she’d said “I know Cindy’s going away over Christmas, so we’ve set up something to take your mind off it, but it’s a surprise, so we’re not telling you what it is”

It was only the next day that he was talking to Dex. Yeah, he’d said “I’m going with my dad to the 7s competition in Harrogate. Maybe you could come along as well?”

“Love to, but I don’t think I can Dex. There’s something going on. Mum has set me up for something. But she’s not saying what”

“Maybe, they already set it up”

 “May be, but mums even packing my case for me so I don’t get any clues”

“Well, you’ll have to look on the coat hooks. If you 4 seasons has been packed you know you’re going north”

It was just over a week till Christmas when Cindy stopped him in the playground. She'd clearly been upset and her eyes were still quite red 

“Hey! What's with you?”

“Craig! Just because I’m going away for Christmas doesn't mean that I don't want to go out with you any more”

“What! Whoever said it did?”

“And I know we didn't really agree anything, but I presumed…. Oh ok, tell me again about making assumptions! But I assumed we were going to the prom together”

“But we are. Aren't we?”

“Are we?”

“Struth! Maybe I should go out through the gate and come back in again. Consider it done. Cindy, would you do me the monumental honour of accompanying me to the prom tomorrow night? Please. Pretty please?”

“Craig?”

“Look, I know at this late stage that it doesn't give your seamstress much time to rustle up a new ball gown, but I was hoping you might wear that violet patterned dress that you wore just after Carole took you shopping, unless you’ve talked your dad into buying you something even more gorgeous”

“Well, yes. I can wear that if you want me to, but...”

“But, what?”

“But, but, but I was told coming out of English that you weren't taking me. You had a new girlfriend and you were taking her instead”

“I think if you thought that, you’d be a bit more upset than you are. Sounds like a most disreputable source of misinformation”

“I hardly think so! I’m barely holding myself together as it is! It was Susan”

“Susan?”

“Yes, they were all talking about partners. Susan’s my best friend so she thought I ought to know”

But the bell had just gone and farther conversation would have to wait. She composed herself as best she could and tidied her hair for Maths. Susan and the other girls would be there and she didn't want them to see her upset. 

Craig was waiting just inside the gate for her as usual. They walked as far as the park gate before she asked him again 

“Susan definitely thinks you're taking someone else tomorrow. Look Craig! If you are, you just tell me now and I won't bother getting ready if you're not going to turn up”

Craig stopped walking and she stopped a pace ahead of him 

“Now slow down there. Do you really think I would do such a thing? Do you really think I could do something like that - to you? Oh Wow. Just knowing that you think that about me has knocked me back into the middle of last week”

Lucinda bit her lower lip trying to resolve the disparate information.

“But Susan must have got it from somewhere. Even if it's the wrong end of the stick”

“That doesn't help with you thinking that I could do that. And to you! Not just anyone. To you! Surely you should have told Susan that you know I would never ever do such a thing”

They walked on in silence to the next free bench 

“You're really upset now, aren't you?”

“Yes. Because you think I'm that bad a person I could do that to you. That even in the impossible event that I wanted to go with someone else, I wouldn’t explain it to you. That I'd just let you find out, make preparations, look forward to it and ...”

“Stop it!”

“Ok. So, I'll tell you how someone might have got the wrong idea. I wasn't going to, because it might upset you, and I never want to do that.”

She moved closer to him, in part to hear more clearly and in part to say sorry. 

“Cindy, you know we've discussed before that we're both, well, you know, a bit behind the curve”

“You mean, especially me?”

“No, its not especially you, its me as well. But that’s not the point. And we are catching up. But. But, it's not uncommon for some of the lads, particularly at rugby, to tease me a bit about that, and the fact I still walk you home every day anyway, and they say ‘don't I know how much Hannah wants to go out with me’ and ‘I'd be better off with someone like her. Or Maxine as well, and I’d likely get a whole lot more out of her in one night. And they’re saying that Nina O’Neil was still looking for a partner if I still wanted to go to the prom even though we all know Nina is shaped like a water melon. Or maybe I was just chicken or a poofter or something. So I said, you guys just wait. If you must know, I am coming to the prom. And I’m coming with a girl called Cindy. And they said, so what's she like then, and I said she’s gorgeous, but you'll just have to wait and see what she's like. Because if you get dressed up in that violet dress and look anywhere near as perfect as you did when we went to the concert that night, they'll be blown away and I'll be so proud that I'm with you and that would silence them forever. But they then said, so that’s it! You’ve got a new girlfriend and you don’t want Lucy to find out which is why you’re holding out on us. And I said you’ll have to wait and see. And I guess that’s where the story comes from”. 

Tears had formed in her eyes again as she gripped his arm even tighter 

“I see. And I understand that. But do you still want to go with me. Even after all the horrible things I’ve been thinking about you”

“Of course I do. There was never any doubt about that. There's never been a doubt about who you are, only about the perception”

Drew took them to the prom in the 7 series creating just the entrance Craig was praying for and as expected none of his rugby team mates recognised Lucy being so dressed up and looking like one of the stars of the show. It was down to Susan to blow the whistle on it, but the point had already been made. Dex was dumbfounded. Maxine was over the moon 

“Oh, wow! Look at you, little miss elegant! Craig, I’m ever so pleased for you. Lucy you look fantastic”

Cindy was a little overwhelmed by the response, but Craig held on to her as tightly as he could 

“Remember Cindy, you’re meant to be leaving with me, no matter what other offers you get”

She poked him in the ribs “Now who is it that’s missing the point”she beamed.

Previously, they’d avoided bumping into the others, like they avoided the town’s cafes when they were together after school. But now they charged through the evening, joining in with the talk and the laughter and the dancing until it came close to the end. Now, as everyone was leaving the fine edge was taken off it because despite everything, it was the next day that she was leaving for her vacation.

Suzanne had packed his case, and Craig immediately checked the coat hooks in the hall. His new light rain jacket had gone, but his 4 seasons was still there. Maybe not Yorkshire? And all too soon Darren had his case in the kitchen rather than the hall, and was handing him a small envelope. You’ll need this, but don’t open it till you’re in the car”

“Dad? What’s going on?”

“You’ll find out any second now. Now, when the doorbell rings….”

“Answer it?”

“….Oh No” said Suzanne “pick up you case, out the back door, around the side, give your case to the man who’s out there, and get in the back of the car from the far side– all as quickly as you can. It’s all part of the surprise”

“Far side? Oh what! Ok, Whatever”

Craig was off on the first knock, scurrying around the corner of the house with no idea what he was doing or why, and nearly fell over Drew Telford

“I’ll take that – now in the car”

“Mr Telford! Where we going?”

“Florida, Craig. Quickly”

Craig dived into the back of the car 

“So, Cindy doesn’t know!”

“She will do any second now”

Lisa had answered the door and managed to keep a straight face as she told her Craig was going away for a few days and had just left that very minute. Cindy’s disappointment was tangible as she bowed her head. 

“Lisa – this is no time for teasing me!”

“Every time is time for teasing you, Cindy. But on this occasion its true. He left just seconds ago.”

Then with her head still bowed and disappointment clouding her brain, she returned towards the car. Oh well, never mind. Tis only a week. And we are going on holiday. And I only came round to make sure we had a date for after Christmas – following the near disaster before the prom. Maybe I can get to know my dad and Jane a bit better than…

Jane distracted her as she approached the car

“No” she said shaking her head, “Lisa says he's been invited away for a few days with a friend, and he's already left, only this minute. But I didn't see him. Did you?”

So it wasn't until she'd flopped back into the car and closed the door that she noticed Craig. 

Drew had set off promptly which took her even more by surprise 

Craig!” she screamed throwing her arms round his neck. What are you doing here?”

“Your dad says we’re going to Florida”

“What all of us?”

“Yes. As you know, Cordelia couldn't come, well, we couldn't waste the ticket, could we?”

“Oh my! Oh Daddy! This is going to be the most fabulous holiday ever”

Jane glanced over at Drew. This, she thought is why she had to come back. This is what it's all about and she glued herself to him all through the flight. It would be late when they eventually got there, but you had to travel a fair distance to get decent temperatures this time of year. 

They all fell into levels of sleep as darkness chased them across the Atlantic, and Drew gave them a nudge as they approached Orlando airport. 

“I guess that's the first time you two have slept together”he commented playfully.

Cindy hesitated for a second “I can't believe you said that! If I say yes, you'll think we've been up to something, and if I say no, you'll think we've been up to something before now”

Drew chuckled. “I'm glad to see you’ve still got your brain connected”

It was nearly midnight local time when they all finally arrived and fell into bed, and gone 9 before anyone stirred. They sorted out some breakfast at a beach café and explored the immediate area – the beach, the jetty where the small boat was moored and loafed around in the sunshine. 

Dinner was in the restaurant a short walk away which seemed ever so much longer meandering around the water line and dodging the small waves lapping the sand.

The dinghy moored to their jetty took its toll. With everyone messing around in it at the same time, falling into the warm sea was inevitable. Craig watched the dynamics. A few months ago, Cindy would never have been splashing her dad like that. At least, not and get away with it. Now, it was all changed. Jane looked fabulous in her bikini, and Craig immediately reprimanded himself for that train of thought, and Cindy - well she was just, unforgettable. Jane and Drew went off for an longer explore, maybe even to find a bar, and Craig and Cindy decided to take advantage of some time on their own and sat on the end of the jetty watching the sun go down casting spears of red across the darkening ocean. 

“This really is a fabulous place” said Craig as she snuggled into him “and it's even better being with the most fabulous girl in the world”

“I agree, it's wonderful. And I'm with you. My Craig, who has been patient with me all year, who stood by me through everything, who tried to keep me from getting into trouble, but not always successfully. I think this place is just right”

She thought back to what her father had said a few weeks ago, “Look Lucinda”, he'd said, catching her in the hall. “Sometimes there's no easy way of saying things. Its always good to wait for the right moment, but sometimes, time itself may not be on your side, especially if you don’t know when events are going to happen”. 

She'd looked at him dolefully trying unsuccessfully to think of something she'd done wrong. 

“So”, he'd continued, “I'm just going to tell you”

“Tell me, daddy? Tell me what? It's not Jane again is it? You've been getting on so well!”

The procrastination was needling her. What could be so difficult to say, especially from him. As he’d said himself, sometimes he was blunt to the point of being downright rude. 

“No its not Jane its about you. Cindy” he said looking straight at her “In the event that you get pregnant, you're having a termination, no argument, no discussion, nothing. I simply won’t let you write your life off from one silly mistake. Ok?”

“Erm. Ok” she'd muttered. Wow. That was a bit left field. “Ok. Daddy? What brought that on?”

“You’re growing up Cindy and, like I said, you can’t always wait for the right moment”

But here she was now, alone with Craig in the perfect setting 

“Right for what” Craig asked eventually repeating his confusion when there was no farther explanation.

“It's perfect,” she said “perfect for me doing something I've never done before, and perfect for me and you doing something we've never done together, and this perfect place would make it so memorable for the rest of my life. And I want the first time to be memorable. I mean, you do want to don't you? I mean, you've only been waiting for me because I said I needed to grow up first?”

“Well, yes, but it's both of us who had to grow up a bit, not just you”

“Yes, that's what you said to be kind. But I've finally figured something out. It stemmed from an off-hand comment Maxine made. I had mentioned that I was trailing a bit behind the pack, and she drifted off and said very wistfully, oh Lucy, I grew up so very long ago. And it's so out of character for Maxine to be thoughtful like that. And it finally clicked in. You don't grow up by getting to a number like 16 or 21 and then do things. It's the things you do and the experiences you have that make you into a grown up. You have to grow up actively, it won't just happen to you passively. So, next time we're alone, maybe on the beach tomorrow I think that might be the right time”

“You mean, instead of saying we should stop in case we get carried away and go too far, we..”

“Exactly, we just carry straight on and see what happens. It's just part of growing up. You want to, I want to. And we’ve only been waiting for us both to catch up emotionally. And I think we did that at the prom. Don’t you?”

Back at home, there was an urgent message waiting at the Telford house. Lisa had known Cordelia at school, even though she was in the year above. And now knowing that she was expected to join them at home on the 27^th Della had phoned her. What was the situation? Was Florida the last chance saloon and would she be better to keep Phil away. But Lisa’s assessment was far more upbeat than that 

“Its not perfect, Della. But nothing ever is”

“But is it still very fraught?”

“Not really, Della. Because Jane still seems to be doing everything she can to make it work”

“I just don’t know if Phil would be welcome. I mean, he’s not been invited and we’d, you know, be sharing my room”

“The way round that, Della, is that we invite everyone over here for our late Christmas dinner which is on for the 27^th. That’s you and Phil as well as Cindy, your dad and Jane. And if your dad has a problem with Phil sharing your room, he can share mine instead”

“Thanks Lisa. Not sure about that last bit, but the whole of the rest sounds good. It takes us out of pretending that we’ve turned the clock back a whole year, because that’s the bit that worries me”

“Getting nine around our table will be interesting, but I think if we all have a few drinks beforehand, we’ll make it work somehow”

That suited Cordelia a whole lot more. Not being on home territory, Jane might be reluctant to get out of line no matter what the situation was.

And the urgent message was the invitation to the rest of them.

But after the initial astonishment, Suzanne and Darren started to figure out how to do this. The solution was to prepare as much as they could on boxing day after their scaled down Christmas day, and then borrow the entire contents of next door’s dining room. They set  the whole dinner party up in the lounge which was their biggest room. And because they figured Drew and Jane wouldn’t have time to buy any presents for them, which they knew they’d want to do if only they knew the plan, they set up some extra little things wrapped up for everyone to give each other. The added twist being that no-one knew what was in the packages. 

Lisa was on top form and playing the comedian she seemed to avoid any exclusion from having a specific partner. It was the perfect setting for Cordelia to talk to Jane for the first time since she moved to Durham while Lisa kept Phil entertained.

But there was also a return invitation for New Years day.

Lucy’s letter

“C’mon Suzanne, we're due at the Telford’s in twenty minutes”

“It's only five minutes away”
“Not today. I can't see anyone driving - I'm still recovering from whatever dodgy beer they were serving next door last night”
“Ok, just a minute - we've got all the other neighbours at 6 and I need to get some things back into the fridge”
“What d’you mean not driving” exclaimed Craig “I'm in no fit state to walk!”

But walk they did. Lisa hadn't reappeared, although she had woken everyone up at around 10.30 to say she was trying to sleep off a monumental hangover.
 
They were welcomed in and as usual Drew had a connoisseur vintage Speyside and the conversation was as expected – the look back over the previous year was muted and the look forward was much more optimistic.
Cindy excused herself saying she had to get something, and returned almost immediately with a medium sized box wrapped in New Year paper and an envelope.
“Have you done a letter?” asked Jane
Cindy nodded, and then explained “Each year, since I was maybe 6, I've written a New Year letter. Last year it was to my nan, the year before it was to Della”
“And this year?”
She wiggled back into the armchair she was sharing with Craig
“It's to Drew and Jane” she said.

Craig gave her a questioning look which she ignored. Why Drew and Jane? Why not mum and dad or dad and Jane which was her usual reference.
“And it's from me. So, maybe you could read it out Suzanne?”

She opened it with a smile. 

“Well, I'm sure this is an honour” she said as she scanned it briefly. It was written in a very neat script on pale yellow paper to match the envelope and eyes turned with anticipation to her. She looked up sharply and took a deep breath having no idea what to expect.
“LfL - Letter from Lucinda
Hi. It's a new year now, and there's no way last year can take its place in history as one of the best. There have been some very low points but also quite a number of highs. It's been an emotional roller coaster, which I've been riding blind, or so it seems because so many times I haven't been able to predict what's about to happen, a dip here, a rise there or just a sudden 90 degree bend or like I’m about to fall off a cliff.

I had no idea at the start of the year that I’d lose my mum. I don’t know why she went away, and I don’t want to know, but coming in to the year I had aspirations for doing well at school and getting to know Susan a lot better. But as the year progressed, I developed three other things that I wanted so much more instead and despite the low points I could count the year as a success, purely because I've attained all three of these. Maybe it sounds greedy and I don’t mean to be, and I thank you all for the lovely Christmas presents, but that wasn't one of them. The holiday at Lake Garda was the best week of my life but then eclipsed by Christmas in Florida, but that wasn’t one of them either. Or the black flared dress that was unbelievably expensive, that dad only found out about when the bill came in, and despite all the trauma that wasn't one of them either. However, that did lead to one of the three things. After dad and me had screamed at each other for ten minutes, on how outrageous it was to spend that much on a dress I didn't really need and hadn’t asked him about, we sat down and talked for hours till the early hours of the morning. Without mum here, I desperately wanted to be able to talk to dad, and now I can. I see now that he was always there in the background and now he’s centre stage. He's always there for me and always straight to the point. He always has an opinion, and it's always worth listening to. And it's usually non-judgemental, even when I've got into trouble, or asking him to explain something that might normally be taboo”
Suzanne paused and read ahead silently as Cindy went over to Drew and put her arms round his neck “I love you daddy”

“I.. I'm sorry. But I don't think I can read the rest” she said with a trailing voice. The anticipating eyes turned perplexed as she handed the paper to Darren “because I think I might just cry before the end”
The anticipation returned, tinged with a certain apprehension on what she might have written as Drew refilled the glasses.
 
“But”' continued Darren' “I've also got the other two things I desperately wanted.
I've always known I was a bit behind the curve on emotional development. I was so overwhelmed that Craig worked so hard to sit beside me in Maths and I did try to explain. I know it's not been easy for him. I've leant on him so much more than I should have, and he's always been there supporting me, looking after me, and understanding me. From our first walk home through the park I desperately wanted Craig to fall in love with me, like I was in love with him and finally I think maybe he has.
And the third thing is that I wanted my mum to come back. Not some new improved independent remote isolated mother, but the old one I used to have two years ago - the one I started to grow up with even if she wasn’t here to continue the job. What I do know is that wherever she’s been, she’s back now and she’s still my mum. Welcome back mum. And, if next year, I can keep these three things anything else will be a bonus.
Love you mum and dad, Lucinda”

Darren looked up from the paper. As predicted Suzanne was in tears and Jane was also crying. 
Craig had gulped a little too much whisky at his mention, and was still trying to refocus his eyes. 
Cindy picked up the present and handed it to Jane. 
“This is for you mum, I'm so glad you're back”
She opened the box and held up the dress that was inside for everyone to see. It was the most subtle pastel shade, and beautifully tailored.
“This is the cocktail dress you went back to see three times, and then told me there's no way you could possibly justify the price. And no, dad, it's not on your card. I actually paid for this one”
Jane was beaming at her through the tears. “Thank you so much. And thank you even more for accepting me back”
We've got some of our neighbours coming round at 6 said Suzanne “you can join us at our house if you like”
“Jeeps!” Craig mused “How, am I ever going to be sober enough by 6 o'clock to talk to neighbours?”

But then he reflected on what Cindy’s second desperate want was. And he'd always thought he was chasing her! Well there was a sobering thought. 

End of Jane’s Choice